rooted in grace

What about the weather?

2007-10-03T16:48:00.000-05:00

Lately, I have been super motivated to go for a walk; I have gone for about 5 now. They have been great. I have been feeling very good about myself physically and it is helping me process some things.

Today, the scenery was breath taking. I wasn’t walking along a beach on the ocean or in an incredible forest but along the beach walk in Racine. The sky was the deepest hue of blue and the water was never ending or so it seemed. As I was looking out on to the water the horizon seemed to bend up into the air. Normally on a clear day the horizon seems to drop of at the ‘end’. But as I studied it for a moment, I realized that it was the icky weather from yesterday, the drizzle and fog, drifting off to MI. As, I thought about that picture which sticks so clear in my mind, the water going on and the dark clouds so far in the distance, I began to think about my ‘storms’ as we so often refer to them in the Christian world. I wonder if my life looks like that with the most recent storms off in the distance, they are not over us but we can remember the feelings they brought up and the hurt they may have ensued, we, people can see them in the distance when they look at us. I had gone for a walk yesterday, by the end my eyes were watering from the wind, my ears hurt from the cold, my nose was running but I was sweating because of the workout I had just been through. As, I saw the clouds in the distance I remembered how horrible my walk yesterday was, it was less enjoyable even difficult at times fighting against the wind. The earth yesterday drab in color and weak in feeling because this heavy fog lay upon it, the distance was so close because the fog made it so. Today, my walk was uplifting and enjoyable. The earth seemed bright and strong; at moments my eyes seemed to capture breath taking views, so crisp and clear. The distance was unattainable because it went on forever it seemed.

The contrast to these pictures seems so different yet so familiar, because as I walked I thought about myself. My life is like the earth moving in and out of ‘storms.’ There are some people who are going through storms and can be like the picture today in the midst of there storms. There is a part of me that desires to be like them able to hold there head high and let there emotions be ones of joy in the midst of sorrow. The other side wonders if that can truly be. I have had my fair share of storms, some people are amazed at the amount, I have tried so hard to keep my head held high and walk through them. There are moments when I can do nothing but crawl my way along feeling for the side for some guidance. During these times I struggle desperately to have joy in the midst of pain. No matter what I have done I can not seem to be like the other people whom I long to be like, but I wonder if that is really what I am striving for. I am not judging but when really crappy things happen and you are all alone with God in your closet you don’t run around skipping so why do that when others are around. I am not saying that you should mop around like the fog (although I will admit I have done that) but there is a moments to be realistic and find the balance. In the moments of crawling and being alone in the closet there is freshness in being real with God about not understanding and hurting. It is in that honesty that you can feel the precious words of our Father touching those hurts and bringing clarity. I know there is a balance between the two; I am trying to find that more and more. People tell me and I know, I wear my heart on my sleeve, ‘When Katee isn’t happy ain’t nobody happy.’ It is like the song when you’re up you’re up and when you’re down you’re down, this is true, this is how I feel. I am either up or down there is not much middle ground, today I think I have found some middle ground.

I know that God has brought each one of these storms to my life and He has brought me through them making me stronger on the other side. I am not saying I want to change who I am but I am striving to hold on to the hope better in the midst of storms.

I won't back down

2007-08-07T11:00:00.000-05:00

Lately it seems like the world has been crashing down around me. There has been much pain. Everything I touch or am apart seems to be being attacked. I will not stand for it. The spiritual warfare around me is so thick but I know that despite it all God is victorious. I will not back down from what He has called me to do to please people who think my life should look different. I know as I have said before that my life looks different to so many people but even in the midst of hurt and pain i know the Lord is right beside me. I will not back down....

Won't Back Down Lyrics by Mat Kearney

You woke the morning up
Running off the darkest night
The longest light I've seen

Here goes a chance I know
Cashing in on all my chips
Let all my ships come fly

These days, a little bit longer than the last
And all of your ways, a little bit stronger than the past
And your light, found my bottle in the night
Kept me in this fight, gave me second life

And I won't back down
I won't turn around and around
And I won't back down
Doesn't matter what comes crashing down
I'm still gonna stand my solid ground

You found me once and for all
I laid it down in the sinking ground
The hopeless undertow

Singing out the gentle sound
Rattling through my smoking screens
My broken dreams last night

Hallelujah ripped through my veins
I heard the hammer drop
My blood in the rain
Hallelujah came like a train
When all is lost
All is left to gain

Hallelujah

Things that make me go :)

2007-08-02T16:03:00.001-05:00

I know that some of you come on here regularly to check but lately there hasn't been much good to say. Not that God is not working I just feel like I am in a time and place where things have been tough and I am learning a lot. A long time ago I was challenged to make a list of things I love. In order to look on the bright side I am going to do it again…
(if you want to look back at it, it was feb. 2006 called Heading the Challenge)

April Fools
Architecture
Asparagus
Authenticity
Babies
Being random
Being held
Being loved
Being Stretched
Books
Blue Cheese
Bubble Baths
Burt’s Bees Lip Balm
Camping
Celebrating today (jw)
Coffee dates
Creation
Culture
Decorating
Dinner parties
Door County
Down Comforters
Dressing Up
Driving
Eating
Encouragement Cards
End of the day
Faith
Fall
Flip flops
Flowers from Mark
Frank Lloyd Wright
Fudge
Game Shows
Getting lost in a book
Gift Cards
Going out to eat
Going to the zoo in the winter
Grandmas and Grandpas
Growing into a better person
Hair Cuts
Having Dinner made for me
Holidays
Hugs that go on
Ice Cream
Integrity
Journaling
Kisses
Laughing
Letting Go
Little Michael
Long sleeve t-shirts
Loving
Mark
Michael Buble’
Mountains
My Family
My Parents house
New friends
New Recipes’
Oceans
Olay Ribbons body wash
Older couples holding hands
Old Friends
Organization
Pictures
Piggy banks
Play time
Playing in the rain
Prayer
Price is Right with Bob Barker
Quiet time
Random adventures
Road trips
Salt water taffy
Scrap booking
Sharpies
Sleeping
Smell before it rains
Smiles
Snow pants
Spring
Steak
Sunshine
Sunsets
Surprises
Talking
The look in a child’s eyes when they feel love
Truth
Tulips
Umbrellas
Vacation
Video Cameras capturing moments
Visiting old friends
Walking in puddles
Walking with Friends
West Wing
Wine
Worship Music
YOU

first week

2007-06-23T09:33:00.000-05:00

Our first week went pretty well. We had training and then on Thursday we began wRap Kidz on Thursday. Our Marquette Park site was great both days. We had a great amount of kids coming and more coming each day. At that site we have a family that comes every day the mom, Rachel will be helping us with game time.

Our new site at The King Community Center, was crazy both days. We did not really know what to expect with this site. We are doing it at a park next to the center, the park is not part of the King Center. There are day care groups that come to the park and the center uses the park also. So, it was a bit of chaos both days trying to work around these other groups. We are praying about what we are supposed to do with this situation, we are only able to do it on Thursday and Fridays. It is a little hard to decided what we should do, whether we move it back to the Lazarus House. In addition to the other issues there is a little issue of safety at the King Center because older kids are around and such. We just need a lot of prayer as to what God wants.

Other prayer matters: we are trying to work with the interns who have been around for a few years understand the new changes (nobody likes change), our communication to the new head interns so we can help them develop and take the leadership, and lastly out groups that are coming in that we would be one as a body for the time they are here.

getting started

2007-06-12T16:24:00.000-05:00

Well, we are just about to get under way with our summer. Our first day of wRap Kidz is next Thursday. We are getting so excited to get started this summer. We have many new things we are doing this summer and we have been planning and are ready to get going and try these things to see what works. Our training is on Monday thru Wednesday next and we are looking forward to see who shows up for interns.

I know this is a short post but we have been so crazy busy.

fire house

2007-05-11T12:25:00.000-05:00

Yesterday we met as a staff as we usually do on Thursdays. It was really good to be together again, things have been conflicting and one of us can not make it or has to leave early. We fellowshipped and ate lunch together. We shared how God was moving and people shared about what he was doing and someone said they didn’t want be as involved with Wrap Kidz as they had been but felt called to pray. We affirmed her over and over, we need such daily prayer coverage. I also stepped up with some God had been laying on my heart to take on more of the administrative stuff because the person who was doing it was finding no joy in it. They joyfully gave it over. It felt amazing for people to be in positions God wanted them and equipped them to be in. As we began to talk about praying we decided to take a walk outside and pray in the neighborhood. We walked over to Marquette Park, one of our sites for Wrap Kidz. We prayed on the grounds for our neighbors there and for the kids who would come to be loved this summer and God moved. Right next to the park there is a fire house; it is city property that will be now used for community work. We have been praying for this building for about a year and different things have happened postponing us being able to use the building. About a month ago we began praying more fervently that God would again get the balling rolling that we would be able to use the building this summer for Wrap kids. We prayed over the building yesterday. This morning our co-founder signed the paper, the building is almost ours. We will be sharing with two other organizations that are doing work in the community.

In addition to this answer to prayer, God is doing something else. We have been praying for our interns for the summer, many of you have been praying as well. One of our prayer requests has been for the finances for these students as many of them are in position that they need to get jobs and pay for their lives. So, we have been praying for God to provide for this however he wants to, whether it is a job that coordinates with the hours of Wrap kids or Him providing through people as he does with staff. While our co-founder was at city hall this morning signing papers, the Mayor asked him some questions about what we do. Then asked that we write up our program and what life skills we a building into the kids and that he has some money to give us, $20,000. We would be able to use this money to pay our staff and interns. Praise God.

I am working on putting into writing what we do. Please pray that I would get it done and be able to articulate what we do in a way giving God glory and the details we need to get this grant. Also, pray that the other two organizations sign the papers soon so that we can has use of the fire house. We need to continue to pray ever though we see the answers.

update

2007-05-07T10:58:00.000-05:00

It was about one year ago this month that I decided to make the move down to Racine and work with the Lazarus House. It is amazing to think that it has only been a year. It feels longer than that because I have seen the Lord do things I could have only dreamed a year ago. I know I walked into this path with my eyes only half open, honestly in the months before moving I didn’t fret about where the money would come from or how I would make it this past year. I am not sure what I thought would happen and I am not going to say that I fully trusted God; I know I had sketches of plans A, B, and C in my head. I couldn’t tell you what they were but I am sure I had some. As summer hit and I began to run out of the $2,000 I had saved to live off of ‘just in case’. I began to struggle with spending any money because I was unsure where the next amount was coming from. I began to freak out about how I could pay bills and have dollars in my bank account knowing rent would again be due on the 1^st. Then the Lord showed up. Or should I say I finally let Him take over and I began to see His majesty on display in each moment of my life. The blessings (physically, spiritually, and emotionally) were clear and I could not believe this was how I was called to live, what a privilege. In the last year I have: felt tremendous healing from suffering in my life, developed an openness to be in deep relationships again, mended current relationships damaged in the midst hurt, found a compassion I never knew I could feel for people whom are often shed in a negative light and cast aside, a new sense of wonder and awe as I am allowed to serve my creator, been provided material provision over my every need and many of my wants and seen thousands of answered prayers of my own, the ministry, and you. This letter could and should go on for pages. I want to share with you some miracles that only God could do this past year.

· $3115.92 for 12 months of Rent

· $776 for my cell phone

· $1512 towards my student loan

· A year membership to Curves for me to work out, paid in full by a dear friend

· $1300 in a variety of Gift Cards, money to pamper myself, money for dates for Mark and I

· A trip to DC to visit a dear friend and a trip to Atlanta for Passion ‘07

These financial provisions don’t include food, car expenses and a variety of other things! These are just the tip of the iceberg; I start with these because they are tangible and we often thank God for the good moments and the physical blessings, because they are easy to see.

Other blessings are: I am able to part of a staff that is more like a family. I have seen ministry miracles of financial provision after provision. We have seen God drawing the board and the staff on its way to being one body. God brought a plumber to us we have never met willing to do the work at a discounted price. We have recently cleaned out the building of things we have no need for much of it out dated and broken. Each time we go out into the community we are witness to numerous doors being opened and welcomed with hugs and smiles. There is no reason people welcome us other than God. God is also opening door among this city to allow us to use public parks to do Wrap Kidz in the summer, this summer we will be in two parks. We are witness to His strength when the days are long, tough. We are beginning to see more churches and individuals in our local community being open to the ministry and the neighborhood.

Being able to see God move in such a powerful way has broadened my view of who He is and draws me deeper in relationship with Him. We as a staff are adjusting many ‘programs’ because we see Him moving us to a new level ministry. We have always been a relational ministry with this neighborhood, but as God shows us more of his plan we need to move with it. We are in the midst going deeper on many levels with Wrap Kidz, youth mission teams, our interns, and the relationships God wants us to have in this neighborhood. It is an exciting time as we learn more of Gods heart. We are gearing up for a wonderful summer filled with 8 weeks of Wrap Kidz, 6 different youth teams, a new middle school program and intern spiritual formation time.

In addition to all of these preparations God has been teaching me so much. Lately, He has been teaching me about His gospel, the whole gospel. I am coming to really understand what I have known for awhile that the gospel is two fold, the salvation gospel and the social gospel, or being reconciled to God and being reconciled to man. Many of us have heard both but one is usually stressed more than the other. I think so often we embrace the salvation part and the social part of it is much too big for us or we think we are accomplishing it because we try to love those we work with or don’t get along with. When asked about the greatest commandment Jesus gives two of them, to love God and love your neighbor. We often say to love your neighbor as yourself but have we really thought about that kind of love and who our neighbors are? We have been reading a book as a staff called More than Equals. It is incredible and is truly changing the way I think about these things. Even though I work in the inner city many of our relationships with the people are not that strong (I know it takes time), but I have been here a year and have failed to make distinguishable friendships with any of my neighbors. Everyone is welcoming, yet we have not shared in meals together or done much together outside of us giving the ‘stuff’ or helping them out. These things are not wrong at all but my neighbors are so much more than simply needing things. I need their love and friendship in order to experience God fully and to embrace the whole gospel. In order to make disciples I must not simply be friends with people who look or act just like me but with people who do not. We bring people into relationship with God by loving those who are not like us. As I have been challenged with these thoughts I want to do something immediately, but I have realized that each moment I interact with someone else I am sharing the gospel with them if it truly a part of my DNA.

I know I got a little preachy at the end but the last few months have been more about God shaping me to more effectively live my life and be in ministry. Thank you so much for your support, I am humbled to be the subject of your prayers to our heavenly Father.

$1500, a dumpster, and Jamel

2007-04-01T13:45:00.000-05:00

Well this week has been very eventful in my life. I have been struggling on how to share it because I feel like I am simply praising God because good things happen and I don’t like that. My faith is so much more than simply praise in the good times, I praise in the bad times in fact that is the only thing I want to do when I am having a bad day, but I don’t always feel like writing about those days in this blog. Sometimes I do share the ick but not this week.

The week began well knowing that at the end of the week 2 of my best friends in Racine would be leaving on the next leg of the journey in this life. On Tuesday I was at home in the afternoon helping Mark get his Chia Herb garden together. My phone rings and Donna shares with me that there is checking waiting for me for $1,500.00. I was excited and the people in the room with me didn’t need a briefing on the conversation because they heard every word loud and clear form both ends on the phone. This was a huge blessing, that morning I had paid rent and then prayed, “Lord you know my living situation is changing as of May 31^st and I have more bills due in the next couple weeks, do what you gotta do!” About an hour later I received this phone call, the miracle was already on the way prior to my prayer!

Yesterday was Saturday and we had a work/cleaning day at the Lazarus House. We filled a 30 cubic foot dumpster, the kind the use when they are gutting a house. I don’t just mean full but we are inches from the do not fill past this line. After much prayer and God’s wisdom we felt it was necessary to do this, we gave a lot of good stuff to Habitat Restore, and gave 9 appliances to a scrap guy in the neighborhood who will be able to make some money off of them. You the pick up trucks with scrap metal balanced up way past the cab, that’s who came and picked it up. But we are glad to be supporting the local economy. We had a small group from Waukesha come and do most the work along with a few random friends and Katy’s mom. It was a great day of bonding and CLEANING! If you have seen the building prior to Dec. 1^st 2006, you should come back and see it now, it is amazing. I believe that all of us as staff walked away feeling like a huge wait was lifted off of us and building. Mark said as we left, “I feel like I can breath in the building again!” We also were able to bless some families in the neighborhood with blankets, sleeping bags, treat bags, Easter baskets, and other random things as we cleaned yesterday.

As we were wrapping up for the day Jamel came by, he is my friend form the summer. It has been an interesting year as we get to see him every Monday and Tuesday morning as the school we go to and eat breakfast with the kids. You can tell the weekend it was rough from Jamel because Monday is not a happy day for him, sometimes he walks by without a ‘hi’ or a smile others he comes running up because he can’t wait to see us. When Jamel was by yesterday he asked about when Wrap Kidz is starting again. He had a friend with him who told me Jamel was telling lies as they walked over. Stories of how he would come and play legos with us, each lunch with us on a picnic table out back, and do yard work. His friend didn’t believe Jamel until he told the ‘lies’ Jamel told and I said, ‘Yeah those are true, Jamel hung out with us a lot.” The friend was quiet and then said, “Let’s go Mel!” Jamel said, “You can go I am going to stay here.”

It has been a good week. I can’t imagine what God has in store for next week. Even if it is not as amazing as this week, which I am sure it could be, I will still praise him.

Snot

2007-03-13T10:32:00.001-05:00

So I am sick. I simply have a cold nothing big but it is annoying. I have been finally blowing my nose for about the last 16 hours. Don't get me wrong I am grateful that I am able to blow my nose and it isn't all stuffed up. But seriously I can not believe how much snot keeps coming out blow after blow. I know this is gross but I am just wondering where it all comes from.

must see

2007-02-26T10:37:00.001-06:00

Amazing Grace: The Movie - The Official Movie Website

I never do movie plugs but this is a must see by all of you! It is very well done and the story is passionate and moving. It leaves you with the thought that you can make a difference and it may not be easy but we all hold the ablitiy to do it.

It is so moving so take some time and go see this movie.

That you MY KING would die for me!

2007-02-25T16:36:00.000-06:00

I can't seem to keep up with life via my blog. It seems days go by and by but none go past without thinking ooh that would be a good blog. I have so many good entries in my head that never make it to this space. You may be glad that you don't have to read all of my thoughts.

I have been reminded lately through so many different places of how my relationship with God began and who was there and the moments in the beginning. Oh I am so grateful for those people who helped answer so many questions and simply encourage me along the way. I was in a class and we were talking about forgiveness and remembering the gratitude when you realize your sinfulness and truly how much Christ took upon the cross for us. I recalled the first moment I felt this surge of gratitude, we were on a winter retreat in a cabin in northern WI. We simply were hanging out with each other, there were probably 25 of us not too many and one night we had a time of worship, we sang Amazing Love. Some of the lyrics are as follows: Amazing love how can it be that you my king would die for me. This was the line that caught me and brought me to a place of gratitude for Christ death on the cross to forgive my sins. 'That you MY KING would die for me'. I remember at the end of the song blurting something out to everyone wanting them to experience the rush of emotion I was feeling and the grace that was falling down like rain upon me.

As, we are in this season of Lent I am looking forward to celebrating the death and Resurrection of my King once again this year. The newness that I feel each and every day because of his obedience to the Father. I know that I personally take so many things for granted my relationship with God is so easy to take for granted because of my selfishness. I often fail to feel the gratitude of being forgiven so much because I fail to see the depth of my sin. I know so often I walk around as if life is grand without a care in the world because I am a Christian and I give off this air that things are all in place because I am in a relationship with God. This is not an intentional thing I do but getting so comfy cozy with my life and how I have been blessed I don't think about how truly sinful I am. I have been reading in Leviticus (part of reading the Bible in a year) about all the offerings God required and when they must be offered to atone for different sins. There are offerings and God starts out says, "When a person sins UN-intentionally by straying from any of the commands of God, breaking that which must not be broken...when they realize it and become guilty(convicted) even though no one is aware... they should do X,Y, and Z with the priest to make atonement for their sin." Most of the time the sacrifice required an animal and then a whole sacrificial offering afterwards. My thoughts when reading this was I would have no animals left or time to take care of them because I would constantly be in the Altar making sacrifice to atone for my sins. I once again was filled with gratitude for the sacrifice Christ gave on the cross and the shed blood of a perfect Lamb of God for all of my sins. This Lent, I have been intentionally setting time aside to seek Him and once again be brought back to the depth of my unholiness apart from Christ in order to rejoice with gratitude and joy that My King would chose to save my from my sin and then use me in others lives. What a blessing to be used by him. I don't want to wallow in the gravity of my sin because I am made holy by God but we wash over this truth so often in the church because it is hard to live with a good balance of understanding the depth of our sinfulness and the unending grace God lavishes upon us time after time after time!

Again

2007-01-20T09:31:00.000-06:00

Well this is something 2 posts in less than 24 hours. I have just added some links on the sidebar fro the Lazarus House. One is for our myspace account, you don't need to have an account to view the events or pictures (i don't think) but you do to comment. We use this site to keep in contact with our interns who served during the summer to keep them connected to events going on.

Our offical site is under consturction we are working on it to be up with information on it in early Feb. Many of you have asked about getting more information and such so in time it will be at your finger tips.

Also just a tidbit of thought. I continue to go to BSF where we sing hymn each week. As I grow to understand the words and pay more attention to them I love hymns more and more. I love praise music of all kinds and I am growing in deeper affection for the words of these hymns as they hold so many truths. Below is one that struck me this week.

How Firm a Foundation

How firm a foundation, ye saints of the Lord,
Is laid for your faith in His excellent Word!
What more can He say than to you He hath said,
You, who unto Jesus for refuge have fled?

In every condition, in sickness, in health;
In poverty’s vale, or abounding in wealth;
At home and abroad, on the land, on the sea,
As thy days may demand, shall thy strength ever be.

Fear not, I am with thee, O be not dismayed,
For I am thy God and will still give thee aid;
I’ll strengthen and help thee, and cause thee to stand
Upheld by My righteous, omnipotent hand.

When through the deep waters I call thee to go,
The rivers of woe shall not thee overflow;
For I will be with thee, thy troubles to bless,
And sanctify to thee thy deepest distress.

When through fiery trials thy pathways shall lie,
My grace, all sufficient, shall be thy supply;
The flame shall not hurt thee; I only design
Thy dross to consume, and thy gold to refine.

Even down to old age all My people shall prove
My sovereign, eternal, unchangeable love;
And when hoary hairs shall their temples adorn,
Like lambs they shall still in My bosom be borne.

The soul that on Jesus has leaned for repose,
I will not, I will not desert to its foes;
That soul, though all hell should endeavor to shake,
I’ll never, no never, no never forsake.

forgive me

2007-01-19T12:57:00.000-06:00

Oh my word I am horrible. I was doing pretty good it was about every week with a blog and there have been many blogs I have thought to write but they never get on here. There have been some changes in my Internet access so I haven't been able to be on as frequently as usual. And to top things off ministry has been so busy since my last post.

Now that you know all my excuses I will continue. I don't have a specific blog right now, sorry to disappoint. But God has done some amazing things in the last month and a half. Last time I posted was simply the beginning of the out pour of God's provision for the ministry. From the 6th of Dec. to the 31st we received as a ministry $22,000+ from 24 different donors. December is usually big but not this big. We had been in the middle of praying to see God work as some people were starting to worry because we had a few bills piling up and work to be done on the building. God showed up and then some. It is just incredible to see him work. On the 3rd of Dec. we went at a staff to the prayer hut at Cedarly Pastors retreat and prayer together for a whole morning and into the afternoon. It was so affirming to to the Lord's hand after we committed as a staff to continue to walk by faith in all that we do. Not that we had last faith but it was tough with people on every side trying to fix our 'problems' and Gods tardiness in there eyes.

We have begun planning for the summer already which is so exciting to think about I can't wait for it to be here. Some prayer things for that: wisdom for the locations we are to be doing wRap Kidz at as we feel they may change this year, for interns who are committed to the kids and ready to grow with the Lord, for wisdom in structural changes we feel we need to make, for a possible new middle school program, leadership for other discipleship ministry for young men, and for us to continue to have the faith to step out on new things God has for us!

We are working on our website which is wonderfully exciting, please pray that we would get it done in the steps we have laid out with the information and structure that will be honoring to the Lord and his work here.

Overall things are kind of finally in a lull. Since Thanksgiving there had been much to do with things that were donated which needed to be delivered. We had a wonderful turnout of new families who came and passed out the Wish List Christmas presents right before Christmas. It was an awesome day. Then I left to go to Mark's parents at 5am on Christmas day after we did Christmas with my family on Christmas eve. We were there until the 29th and we came home and had a pre-new years eve party with friends on the 30th as we would be gone for New Years eve. We left on the 31st in the morning to take students to Passion in Atlanta, GA. We arrived home from that on the 6th and we had a busy week back with stuff at work. We did a movie night last week and then had a board meeting, and groups come in to deliver sleeping bags and a coffee house on Saturday. So needless to say we have been busy.

Thanks so much for your prayers and support. I am hoping to be better at updating this now.

Praise God

2006-12-07T12:01:00.000-06:00

I realize that what I am doing is different. This is not the first time I am making this statement. As I share my lifestyle, job and faith with people I always hope that the response will be different, that people will understand. I know that my lifestyle goes against the culture we are brought up as apart of in America. Mostly from Christians I hope that they will understand what I am doing and embrace it. I know I can’t expect that though. Don’t get me wrong there are people in my life that embrace what I am doing other than the people I work with. This has come up because just in the last few days as I have shared I have had more people try to fix my life. Try telling me what I should do to fix my financial situation and how I could be living ‘better’. Better always equals having a steadier, more consistent financial situation. I realize that I am part of this conversation also and I have a reasonability to share the ways God has provided and has been so faithful. Sometimes this doesn’t even work but I know I must be sharing in the miracles that God is doing. So let me share lest you think that my life is not as it should be…

About two months ago I received in the mail this flier for Curves for Women. It was a promotion to come in for 9 workouts over 3 weeks for 30 minuets each. Back about 8 months ago God told me that I needed to workout. I had tried a few things and nothing was working. I don’t think that I need to lose a lot of weight but more just be healthier. So, I signed up for this promotion, I really enjoyed it. Because I participated in promo my joining fee went from $159 to $29. Felt that God was opening the door for this because I went in the first place. I don’t normally do promo things. I lost about 4 lbs. over the three weeks. I was able to out on some pants that I hadn’t worn in awhile. One of my friends noticed and we began talking about Curves and she asked about the monthly rate and joining fee and how I was liking it. The following day was a hard day with family and she called to leave a message telling me she and another friend wanted to take me out to dinner and also that she wanted to pay for the year membership at Curves for me! Praise God. So I have been working out, I still really enjoy it and I feel better about myself. It is wonderful.

Another friend of mine also wanted to pay for my year membership, I shared with her that someone else already did it. She said well I know I am supposed to do something. A few days later she came back and told me she was going to pay for December rent.

This past Friday we were at our Directors house having dinner after shoveling and snow blowing the Lazarus House and their house. A funny noise was coming from the basement. Ron went down stairs and there was water all over, the water heater blew. They simply said, “God knew and has it covered.” Sunday evening friends were over and Ron joked about the water heater. As they were leaving the man asked what the deal was with the water heater. Ron shared and without hesitation the man said, “Go to Sears tomorrow and get the best they have and have them install it, bill me.” On Tuesday a brand new state of the art water heater was reinstalled into their house.

The ministry has been tight money wise, to the point of not being able to pay bills. Our board was starting to get worried. Yesterday we received $2800 for bills and current needs. Earlier in the week we received $240 also for bills and ministry needs. In a few days God provided for all the bills and then some!
This week someone also wrote me and shared they would be supporting me on a monthly basis. It was a letter out of the blue and ever so encouraging.

God doesn’t only provide financially!

God has provided about 100 people to adopt kids to buy them Christmas presents. Almost all the families were home to share this news with them. It was so encouraging to the families. We will have a Christmas party this Saturday to collect the lists and share the Christmas story with these kids and hopefully parents.

We are receiving Christmas dinners for some of our families.

Aside form the Wish Lists for kids we are also getting about 100 shoe boxes full of personal need items and a few presents.

One family we delivered a turkey to them at Thanksgiving. Over the summer a member of the family had a heart attack and then was recently laid off from work. As a family they made a decision to not celebrate Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner. They purchased a few presents and that was it. So, when we brought the turkey, it was a big deal they were so grateful. She shared the story and we found out that they weren’t going to have a Christmas tree either. We know someone who collects older artificial trees, ornaments, and lights. We called her and shared the need, on Tuesday she came and together some staff and she delivered it to this family. It was an amazing moment with the family! We plan to take one of the Christmas dinners to this family also.

God has been is so good.

Yet he (Abraham) did not waiver in unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith being fully persuaded that God will do what He had promised!
Rom 4:20-21

learning

2006-11-28T09:41:00.000-06:00

I have been neglecting this blog space. I am sorry for those of you who look here regularly to see how to pray and know what is doing in my life. I mist admit that life has been hard lately and I have not been living as if God is as big as He is. There have been many many blessings despite my unbelief. It is not that I have walked away from God or anything. It is just that I am allowing my circumstances to affect me too much. When it seems like a never ending sea of hurt around me and things happen not as I want them too, I get down and I lose my joy. I want to be gracious in the midst of tough circumstances and not let m emotions get so out of control. I know that it is okay to have emotions but the emotion that comes out most is anger or frustration that things are not going as planned or God is not coming through like I want him too. I know that all these things are in my life to make me more like Christ in the end. I am trying to be more like Paul in Philippians. I know it is an over used scripture.

“I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength.” Phil 4:11-13

I have used this scripture much and I have been annoyed when it is taken out of context but it is the cry of my heart these days when so much is going on in life and it seems overwhelming and we want to fix things or see people not hurt anymore or truly rest in the knowledge of who God is and how big He is. I want also be like Abraham who had so much faith in God and His promises that His life showed it.

“Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised.” Rom 4:20-21

I want to be the type of person who in the midst of trials and hard moment’s people to see joy and faith in my life, not anger and sadness because things aren’t going my way. I want my faith in the promises of God to be the circumstance of life that my emotions follow.

PSALM 145
I will exalt you, my God the King;
I will praise your name for ever and ever.

Every day I will praise you
and extol your name for ever and ever.

Great is the LORD and most worthy of praise;
his greatness no one can fathom

One generation will commend your works to another;
they will tell of your mighty acts.

They will speak of the glorious splendor of your majesty,
and I will meditate on your wonderful works.

They will tell of the power of your awesome works,
and I will proclaim your great deeds.

They will celebrate your abundant goodness
and joyfully sing of your righteousness.

The LORD is gracious and compassionate;
slow to anger and rich in love.

The LORD is good to all;
he has compassion on all he has made.

All you have made will praise you, O LORD;
your saints will extol you.

They will tell of the glory of your kingdom
and speak of your might, so that all men may know
of your mighty acts and the glorious splendor of your kingdom.

Your kingdom is an everlasting kingdom,
and your dominion endures through all generations.

The LORD is faithful to all his promises
and loving toward all he has made.

The LORD upholds all those who fall
and lifts up all who are bowed down.

The eyes of all look to you,
and you give them their food at the proper time.

You open your hand and satisfy the desires of every living thing.

The LORD is righteous in all his ways
and loving toward all he has made.

The LORD is near to all who call on him,
to all who call on him in truth.

He fulfills the desires of those who fear him;
he hears their cry and saves them.

The LORD watches over all who love him,
but all the wicked he will destroy.

My mouth will speak in praise of the LORD.
Let every creature praise his holy name
for ever and ever.

breaking point

2006-11-06T17:11:00.000-06:00

I am not sure how to start this post. I am coming to a breaking point. Life has been up and down lately. God has been teaching me so many things. Most of all He has been breaking me of the pride within myself. I grew up thinking that I could take care of myself, I could provide for myself, I could take care of myself and it’s all about me. I am so wrong in so many ways in this thinking. Growing up in a bigger family you fend for yourself some times because there are multiple people who need attention and care.

God has been working on me and the notion that I can do it by myself. He has brought me to a place where He has called me to fully rely on Him for all my needs, financial, emotional, and spiritually; to walk by faith. He calls us all to do that in different ways. I am sure some of you could point out other areas of pride in me but God is specifically working on this area right now.

I have been given many gifts in the past 5 months from many different people. I am so grateful for all the gifts given to me. It is nice to get gifts but when they come all the time and when they are your means of life it gets to be overwhelming, you being to feel like charity. This lilifestyles not easy but it is helping me learn to fully accept God’s grace. I remember reading in Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller about Grace: The Beggar’s Kingdom.

“It seemed wrong for me not to have to pay for my sin, not to feel guilty about it or kick myself around. More than that, grace did not seem like the thing I was looking for. It was too easy. I wanted to feel as though I earned my forgiveness, as though God and I were buddies doing favors for each other.” He continues on to tell a story about encountering a woman in a store using food stamps to pay for her food. He had thoughts of how she was feeling and how he viewed people in ‘need’. He came to the conclusion that, “I love giving to charity, but I don’t want to be charity. This is why I have so much trouble with grace.”

As I walk by faith it is not that I expect people to come along side me and give gifts or money to me. Asking for help is very hard, and humbling to say the least. God has been showing me his grace in more ways then by simply forgiving my sins but by bringing me to a point where I can’t do anything apart from his love, grace and provision. I have always been able to work for my wages and in my relationship with God I can not work to earn His love and grace because I already have it. I know that Miller was talking about sin but I think many of us can relate to these thoughts of being forgiven of your sins, but what if God’s grace seeped into other parts of your life besides your sin? God's grace is already there but what if we began to live like His grace wasn't just covering our sin but covering US.

I feel like these truths are natural for the normal Christian and I feel odd writing about it but I know that I am being broken and experiencing His grace and love on a new level today.

amazed

2006-11-01T13:35:00.000-06:00

Last weekend, Thursday 'till Saturday we had 2 different youth groups in. The time we shared was amazing. We had more kids than we could have hoped for. It was a really good two days of wRap Kidz. We had 65ish on Thursday in the rain showers and 50ish on Friday in the cold. Friday morning we gave 20 different enough hats and gloves for everyone and a bundle of books. It was fun to see the kids wearing their new gear to play in the afternoon. We also did our first movie night on Thursday and it was a huge success. The weather was not on our side all day Thursday but we had about 30 kids come out in the rain to walk to the Lazarus House on Thursday night to watch Over the Hedge with us.

It was a really good couple of days I am so grateful these two youth leaders wanted to come for those couple of days. I believe it really encouraged the community after the events of the week before. It helped them see we are here for the long haul and a shooting isn't going to send us packing. God is so good!

all work and no play

2006-10-25T12:58:00.000-05:00

A while back my friend Tory posted an email about getting to jump rope at work. I to have had that experience. All the girls laughed at my because I couldn't do it. But yesterday we showed up at work to help dig/move some dirt out in the front lawn. We took out part of our parking lot to make for more lawn play area. Some people are coming back to finish the project this weekend but we needed to clean up a little. We were marking tools to be used this weekend and we went in the basement of the Lazarus House (which is now being affectionately called 'The Department Store' because we have so much stored... many old old bikes, a variety of old broken or out dated unhook up able appliances... some were collected by Ron and are worth money and other things donated). I must rant for a moment totally off subject. Why do people feel they can donate broken and very out dated items to ministries. We are supposed to be giving out first fruit to God not our beat up worthless broken crap. This has been bothering me lately. I am not saying don't donate or only donate new things but please don't donate clearly crap things please take them to the dump yourself.

Just as I got distracted by my thoughts yesterday we got distracted by some scooters we found. There were 4 of them and there were 4 of us at work yesterday. Who gets scooter around their place of business and around the block. I do, I do! Here are some pictures for your enjoyment...
Don't be jealous because I have the coolest job ever!
The Boss and his wife (Ron and Donna)

Ron Scootering

culture shock

2006-10-24T09:21:00.000-05:00

Every once and awhile I am struck again with culture shock. I have not traveled 1000 miles away but I have been sucked into the christian world and when I come too I have culture shock. This may seem odd as I work in the inner city and one would think that I am cultured enough. The temptation to live in a bubble is so attractive to me and be naive to this world is so comfortable.

I will share with you a couple of instances in this past week that have caused me much shock...

The first was last Wednesday evening. I was at Outback doing my one shift a week and a guy about my age made a horribly crass sexual joke to his girlfriend (both employees). He then proceeded to follow it by a hand motion he laughed and walked away as if it was nothing. She did too in a sense. The male wants to be a manager he has gone through some training for it. Throughout the course of the night he sat around and watched others working as if he was too good to do a particular job. Both of us managers who were on duty wrote comments in the book. But I was caught off guard that this is the world I live in were crude and crass joking is simply okay, where laziness is a part of life and entitlement is a given (I don't have to do x or y because I am above that).

The following day Thursday last week there was a shooting about 3 blocks from where I work and about a 1/2 mile form my house. Not only was there this murder at 6:45pm on a Thursday in late Oct. But there were about 6 or 7 other reports prior to the murder of gun shots both on the north and south side of Racine and a fire. There was so much activity we had to call in surrounding communities to help with police enforcement, even the state patrol. The fact that the shooting was so early in the evening on a Thursday night means that the fighting is not over and causes red flags. Most crimes like this happen later and on the weekends and summer is a hot time because it is warmer. This shooting has affected the community we work with because we all got comfortable because things were starting to get better and now we must be on guard again. We do not even know the ramifications of this murder yet. We are doing wRap Kidz this week because of teachers convention and people don't feel safe so kids may not be allowed to come.

Then yesterday I was watching Oprah, as I do once and awhile, she had amazing moms on the show the contrast between the women was jaw dropping. They were women form all over the world, one was from Alaska were the milk she buys is $7.49 a gallon because it has to be flown in daily. The cost of living is so high because of there location. Another women in Norway gets a year off for maturity leave and can be spilt between husband and wife, free health care for the child for the first 7 years, and 10 days each (husband and wife) paid to use if there child is sick a year. And spanking is illegal. Norway is rated the best place to live to raise a family. Then we moved to Africa on woman had 10 children and worked as a transporter she carried things for people she carried 2 item the day they followed her and she made 65 cents. And she carried 100 pounds of beans a couple miles and a mattress piece about 2 miles. She fed 10 children on her makings for the day. She has also managed to put her 4 oldest children through primary school about 25 cents a day! The contrast is more than I can comprehend.

I feel like there was another story or incident that had grabbed my attention over the last week but I can not think of it. It is not that I think these issues don't exist or am naive to what is going on. When there are so many different circumstances happening in such a short time, my heart began to feel so heavy. I just want to fly away some days...take me know Lord. But I know that He has sent us into this world to be a light in the darkness and a voice for the injustice for His glory alone.

I have given them your word and the world has hated them, for they are not of the world any more than I am of the world. My prayer is not that you take them out of the world but that you protect them from the evil one. They are not of the world, even as I am not of it. Sanctify them by the truth; your word is truth. As you sent me into the world, I have sent them into the world. For them I sanctify myself, that they too may be truly sanctified. "My prayer is not for them alone. I pray also for those who will believe in me through their message, that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you. May they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have sent me. I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be one as we are one: I in them and you in me. May they be brought to complete unity to let the world know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me. John 17:14-23

(good)Will's

2006-10-16T10:03:00.000-05:00

I went to Wills this weekend. I found 2 pair of pants and 2 tops. Over all it was a good experience. I am still getting over the feeling of grossness about the clothing but I am getting there. Thanks for all who were an encouragement to me about going.

I really have not much else to say. On the ministry front, we have 2 groups coming in that is keeping me quite busy. I am coordinating them and the schedules and getting ready for what kind of training we need to do with them. I am also making much progress on the curriculum front, it is a lot of fun. Who knew writing curriculum would be fun, I feel like God is bringing together many experiences in 2 different camps and doing Jr. high. Some times in those places you are like what am I doing here and now I am like, "ah, I didn't realize I learned this at camp, but it is so useful now."

P.s. Sorry to those of you who had a heartattack from my last blog, as I was writing I couldn't help myself it was prefect.

found it!

2006-10-14T11:37:00.000-05:00

Well I have found it, the place I am getting married. The place is a glass house in Plane, IL. Probably only in my dreams but that is where I am going to live for a moment.

So the story goes like this...
For my birthday a couple months ago Marks parents gave me $50. This money was to do something nice for Mark and I. I kind of forgot about it and a couple weeks later Mark says to me "where is that money from my parents?" "In the bank about to be spent on bills." I replied. We then got in the car and withdrew the money because he was like that money is for us. Then he told me he had a plan for the cash. I was like okay, I kind of wanted to get my hair done or something to be honest. But I was kind of excited about a surprise from my boyfriend.

He told me it had to do with fall leaves changing and it was 2.5 hours away, so it would be a day trip. Alright, we began to try to fit it into our schedules (this month is CRAZY), it was not working so we were going to let it go and if it worked it worked and if not, we have a lifetime to do this thing. Thursday Mark had a very bad day, He said I need a break maybe we could spend our $50 tomorrow. It was about 1:30pm in the afternoon and you needed to pre-register for tickets. He took care of all the details and it was a go.

He told he wanted 10 guess of where we were going. I had not clue, I couldn't even guess. In the morning he called and told me that we would be outside a little and inside a little and that my shoes would be on and off and he still wanted guess'. My only guess with the shoe clue was a special kind of Chuckie Cheese (because you take you shoes off to play). This is how clueless I was. I am okay with surprises Mark doesn't think so, but I like them they make me feel wonderful, special, and warm and fuzzy inside.

So we are off it is 8:50am Friday morning. Mark got directions and we still had to turn around a couple of times because when there are corn fields as far as you can see in all four directions, my internal compass is broken. We made it on time for our 12 noon tour. We pulled into a visitor center that looks like a white barnesk building, I still had no clue. I knew the name now but it didn't ring a bell, The Farnsworth House. We looked at books in the gift shop and I now knew the building we were going to tour and I was excited and Mark was ecstatic.

We walked along a path in the woods for about 6 minuets and then came to a clearing and there stood the most beautiful house ever!

A glass house! Oh my word it was so amazing. It stand 5'3'' off the ground because it is on a flood plane. There is a river right behind where this picture is taken. The grounds are beautiful as well. I had seen a picture of this house and thought it looked cool, but in person it is breath taking. Our tour guide was really good as well. We like to tour homes, most tour guides (docents) are kind of arrogant and stuffy. This guy was very casual and real and he acknowledged us, which is a first because we are usually the youngest by about 20+ years so no one talks to us. The house was designed by Mies van der Rohe for a single women. It was a weekend home very minimalistic. It is floor to ceiling glass walls, 22 panes in all. They are connected by white steal beams. As we are on the tour he is telling us about the house and different things and then he says and people can rent it out for weddings! My heart sank and I was like yup that's me, this is the place. And then Mark got down on... Just kidding!

It was a great day. We had a good time together. The house is breath taking. And the fall leaves make it even more remarkable.

This is a view from the back. It was a wonderful day.

One more detail, on the way home we still had $10 left from the day and we had a pumpkin carving bonfire to go to last night. So we stopped along the side of the road at this little pumpkin place and picked our own pumpkins. They were really nice ones too. We each got 2 pumpkins for $10. I will get more pictures up when we get them developed. Mark took a bunch of pictures of the house too. For more pictures of the house or information about it you can go to: http://www.farnsworthhouse.org/

pictures are from flickr.com

warfare

2006-10-09T17:04:00.001-05:00

Today there were reports of N. Korea testing nuclear warfare. This weekend we as a staff experienced spiritual warfare. This is not the first time for this experience and it was not the worst but it made us take a look at it again. It was a good reminder that what we are doing is so much bigger than we are and that we are up against a spiritual battle.

We had a wRap Kidz buddiez event this weekend, our first of this season. We had a handful of buddiez there and the kids that came had a blast and had a ton of one on one attention which is amazing. We will not call this event a failure because of the warfare we experienced. We communicated to our buddiez the importance of their commitment and the details for this event. We were faced on Saturday hours before the event with questions of where we were meeting and some buddiez failed to bring lunch for their kids which was asked of them.

As we talked on Saturday and have had Sunday to cool down and think about our frustrations I know that some of what we experienced is because of the age of some buddiez, the result of volunteers, and some spiritual warfare. We realize that some of our buddiez are too young and the responsibility and the drama of high school can get in the way. We do also see the spiritual aspect of this being much greater. In this mentor program we see some troubled kids blossom and calm down and other kids become really serious about Christ. This is the way lives will be changed, we know that wRap Kidz is effective in reaching kids and turning the soil and planting seeds but it is in the one on one relationships that can only come from relationships like these that will truly cause the lives of these kids and eventually the community to change. This is the same with church activities and youth leaders pouring into kids or small groups.

Satan attacked in so many ways, we felt defeated as a staff (which we soon realized and were victorious in Christ), our buddiez were defeated through failed commitments, life distractions and circumstances, and the kids lost out big time. We again came back and concluded that we need to pray more. We communicated clearly and did as much as we could without holding hands, but we failed to pray enough for our volunteers and the kids.

We have groups coming in to serve in a few weeks we are so excited about them. One is a junior high group who has never been here before and are going to get there feet wet and the other is veteran senior high group who encourages us so much each time they come. We need to cover them in prayer for their hearts and the ways they will be serving. We can only be victorious in Christ and His power.

I guess as many of you ask how you can pray for me and us as a staff, this is how. We need prayer to not be defeated in the things God is asking us too and that the people God wants to serve and give to this ministry are not defeated in the things God is asking them to do.

You saved $9.20

2006-10-05T11:09:00.000-05:00

These are my most favorite words to hear these days. Many adjustments have been made since living on my own. The best piece of mail I receive each week is the Pick n Save flyer. I love the 10 for $10 not that I ever would need 250 freezie pops but 25 are only a $1. Or 10 boxes of microwave popcorn, not that I wouldn’t love that. Mark has joked about getting the Sunday paper simply for the coupons. He has saved over the cost of the Sunday Journal Times when he has used coupons. Secretly I want it, too! And Wednesday are double coupons days at Pick n Save. $$$ Other deals at Pick n Save are pretty swell too, lots of BOGO’s on good things. My Shopping list for the most part is made up of BOGO’s or 10 for 10 deals.

I love this, lest you think I am suffering for having to work so diligently to save money. I don’t feel as if I am penny pinching, I am simply being practical and I feel wise with the money God blesses me with. I have made a commitment every time God blesses me with money I get something special for myself, something I wouldn’t normally buy. One time I got Claussen Pickles (these are my favorite) and this past week, after anonymously receiving $100 from someone, I purchased frozen single serve Cinnamon Rolls ready to eat in 60 seconds. I am excited about these.

My latest and greatest deal thus far was yesterday. In the weekly advertisement was 32oz. Tres`eme Shampoo for $1.89 each. What a steal! I got 2 shampoos and 2 conditioners for $7.95, I saved $9.20. Amazing. Earlier this summer in an attempt to save I went to Sam’s and got big bottles for $6 each, I thought I was saving. Yesterday I got twice as much for $4 cheaper. Jackpot!

I know these things seem silly and could maybe give me an ulcer, but I love it I feel so rich and privileged. I have said before that “I feel as if I live in a condo on the lake.” I don’t, but I love my apartment and truly feel it is a gift from God. I still sit in awe at how cheap it is for me and how beautiful and nice it is. You may not feel that way when you walk in my door, but I love it, love it, love it!

I have been praying lately that God would help me be okay with Goodwill and Rummage sales. Not that everything I wear or own should or will come from these places. It is not that I want to shop at Pottery Barn or Macy’s but I kind of think they are gross to be honest. I used to feel like it was like wearing someone else’s underwear. I have no idea what that is like but I can imagine it is GROSS. God is helping me be content with it being gross and He is helping me to be content with those means of getting clothing and ‘things’. I was always jealous of people who could say, “Goodwill $3.00” or “Rummage 50 cents”, and it was a nice leather jacket or cute pair of jeans. I know that God desires for me to treat myself once and a while, He is not into pity parties by any means. But being thrifty is being wise, too.

I asked my friend Michelle to go with me next time I have a little money and help me find the good things at Wills (aka Goodwill). I am getting excited about this adventure and I am still praying God would help me get over my grossness fetish.

A weekend

2006-09-25T16:27:00.000-05:00

This past weekend God sent us away as staff. We had planned a retreat about a month ago, we wanted to go away but we felt like doors kept shutting on our options. We had a few different cabins, one with no shower, one was a trailer, others were too far away... none of these things were that bad but we wanted to be able to really meet with each other and with God and not have distractions of one another stench or being on top of each other with no space at all.

Thursday afternoon we met together to decide what to do about the weekend. We concluded we knew God wanted us together and it didn't matter where. My apartment was an option as my roommates were gone for the weekend and we had a few others, in the middle of the weekend Mark came up with the idea to go to Grand Rapids, MI and stay with a friend of ours who owned her own home and had a gracious heart. He called she said yes, and we got a van and in less than 24 hours from the phone call we were in GR.

We had an amazing weekend of becoming a family of siblings focusing on God as our father. We got to know each other very well, we rub up against each other good and bad. We began to understand what makes each other tick. We view each other as staff as sibling with no hierarchy. Ron does take the lead but we each are able to lead when we feel the Lord nudging us. It was the prefect weekend, we needed to get away we each had things that would have been distractions to the weekend had we stayed here, people, events, schoolwork and life.

On Saturday we spent a period of time getting with God. It was a time for me in which God brought many things together. I have been doing a couple different things in getting with God lately, going through the book of Romans through my bible study, John 15 with my small group and reading the book Irresistible Revolution. In my time God began by showing me how many things were distracting me at the moment and how I make distractions in life to avoid going deeper with Him and with people. As I began to quiet myself and seek Him, He was quick to reveal Himself to me. He took me to Psalm 41:13 "I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, 'Do not fear I will help you.'" In John 15 Jesus is talking about how we are friends of Him if we remain in the vine and how He chose us, we did not choose Him. He chose me to serve Him in the inner city by being Christ to these people and He has taken hold of my right hand and He is the one helping me every step of the way when I remain in His vine. I have nothing to fear when I am in His presence being obedient to what He has called me to do.

This thought was so simple to me at that moment, it was a huge reassurance of being in His will right now. As people say things to me (or us as a staff) like, have you found a job yet, are you happy with your choice, is everything turning out like you had hoped, are you sure about this, etc. The list goes on and on, these are things said to all of us by people we love and care about, not simply people we randomly meet. In those conversations Satan steps in and makes you doubt sometimes what God, who has created the universe to every last detail, has called each of us to do. And other times we are just hurt because these people don't trust our choices. We understand as a staff and I personally that what we are doing seems crazy to some (well most people). But God has called us to do something for Him, is it always easy NO, but the joy and heavenly rewards are incredible. I hesitate to make my walk with the Lord sound like it is peaches and cream all the time, the things He asks me to do are tough but the life of disobedience is tougher and heartbreaking!

learning

2006-09-21T13:36:00.000-05:00

I have failed this week. I have been trying to post every Monday and well not so much this week. Finally 72 hours later I am getting around to it.
We had a great event this past Sunday. We did a wRap Kidz Sunday at a Church in Racine. We were church, we did church and God showed up. Steve (one of the other staff members) and I went out last Thursday afternoon to get permission slips, we signed up 33 kids to go and other people had some other kids they signed up I believe we ended up with about 50 kids in all. While we were out last Thursday we really saw the fruit of our ministry in the relationships we have built within this community over the last 4 months. Steve has been helping out with the ministry for a couple of years and came on staff last October. It was amazing to see the kids excitement when they come running out of the house or even across the street to greet us. The were so excited. Meeting some parents for the first time and some for the 20th was awesome also. We were able to tell the parents more about our ministry and how awesome their kids are.

On Sunday morning we went to pick up the kids and many of them showed up. We went out to the church and they sang some of the songs we taught them this summer and did the motions. There was more movement going on in that church than I have experienced in my whole Christian walk probably. We as staff shared about what God was doing through our ministry in the inner city. I was able to share some of my miracles that God has done in getting my bills paid. It was awesome there are a few other churches in Racine that would like us to come and do something like this in there church on a Sunday morning. We are excited about going.

Quick story in this whole process, I have gained a new appreciation for my friend Brandon. I was in charge of putting together the power point for the service with the songs and all. I spent hours putting 50+ slides together editing and aligning them with the music so the person would not have to go back and forth. The music we sang was is not 'normal' church music so the sound guy was not familiar with it. I got it to the church and got it on the computer there only to find out the font I used which I love, was not on that computer. I had to reformat all the slides so that the font fit on the slides. I had prayed earlier in the week as I was working on the slides that God would help me be okay if the slides didn't work out just perfect. He did. I have been witness to many a technical difficulty during a church service or youth group. Brandon usually did the power point for his talks and usually the worship for the evening or morning, I now know how much time it takes and the frusteration that could come from things not working.

We are going on a Staff Retreat this weekend. It should be good, I am looking forward to spending time with them. We are going to a friends house in Grand Rapids, Mark has connections.

This is Steve:

Mixing it up

2006-09-12T09:18:00.000-05:00

God has been teaching me a lot lately. It has been a wild ride with ups and downs. It has been hard some days. I have been blessed to be able to make up my own job as I go along and really more so as God reveals His plan for me and my ministry in the inner city. This is incredible but it is a HUGE responsibility to be listening for God and then moving on what He wants. I have struggled the last couple of weeks with what it should look like. You think about Family Ministries or Women's Ministries and it means parenting classes, scrap booking, bible studies, fitness classes you name it. While some of that will work at some point in the inner city that is not where God wants it to go right now, that would fill no need in the 'hood.

I have battled with this all summer trying to figure out what my ministry should look like. And thinking about what other people think my ministry should look. Oh man that is a bad place to be when you are trying to follow what God wants. The conflict that comes it not good, I should have never let Satan take me to those thoughts. There where many other things going on as well, I watch my roommates work hard, one has two jobs and school and another is a first year teacher. Needless to say they are never home and work while they are here. I sit an compare myself to them, NOT good either. I am striking out all over. When I don't have to go to work until 9 or 10 and they have been up and out for 3 hours at that point. But then I fail to remember my working at nights or on the weekend. The feelings of 'I am not doing enough' and then God says to me, "Compared to who are you no doing enough. You are fine."

I have many past experiences that God wants to use within this ministry from camping ministry to Junior High Ministry to being on a Ministry Team. In times I feel as if I am stepping on toes with what God wants me to do because it falls in someone elses area or it doesn't really fit into Family Ministries. Last week after a night of uncertainty and brokenness I spent some good time with the Lord. He simply said to me, "It is not going to look like anything you can imagine or put together," and at another point He said, "Stop trying to live the life I have called you to and just live the truth you know." Two powerful things. I was broken realizing what what i was doing. Then the clarity came and He showed me more areas where He was stretching me and where I needed to let go.

I love my planner, I mean LOVE it. I live by it. I opened at a recent staff meeting and the month of September had about 3 events written on it. My thought was, "I am a bum, I don't have any thing going on." I am so bad with my planner that I would go in and write events that have already happened on dates so that at the end of the month I feel as if I have been productive and I am popular with social events. Because my month is packed. Oh it is disgusting. In my new job nothing is planned very much in advance and some social events are also staff meetings or time together. I am still working through these thoughts of a full schedule means success. I am learning and God is teaching me in it how to live within His planner because it is more balanced.

I have met with Ron and Donna and we talked about the direction of my ministry in particular and I am so excited now and before I know it I will need to use a planner to make sure I have enough downtime because I will be busy before I know it. Part of family ministries is working with volunteers who want to come in and serve. My ministry is the bridge that equips people to connect to inner city families. We don't want or have work for all people who come in to serve on our building we want them to go into the home of a family and truly be Christ to them. My ministry will be the connection for this as I know the families in the 'hood. This is just one aspect of my job.

One area I really feel God calling me to is to write a curriculum for our wRap Kidz program. I felt like I was stepping on toes with our wRap Kidz director. But with the experiences God has blessed me with I know I am supposed to be working on it. I want to work with Katy and we will work together but we need to create an outline of a program so we are more free with work with in on a daily basis next summer. I am so excited for this. I have many ideas and can't wait to get the ball rolling. This is what I will be spending the majority of my time on for the next couple weeks. Then as things begin to pick-up it will already be in the works.

God has really been mixing it up lately. But I like it, sometimes the beaters hurt but the faster you learn the quick you can become more of what He is creating me to be.

Affirmation

2006-09-04T08:39:00.000-05:00

Most days I wake up and I can't believe that I am so blessed to get to do what I do. Most people have to take off work or rearrange schedules to get to serve in the inner city, yet God has called me to this place for what the world sees as a 'job', how I make my living. But this gets to be my lifestyle. I just can't fathom it. Why me? I look at some stupid things I do, my sin and I compare myself to other people and think my faith is not even close to where it should be. But where exactly is that? I am comparing it to a friend, co-worker, or maybe some one I admire, these people are not the ones I should be comparing myself to. I can only ask one person one question, God. He always smiles down and says, "Sweet Daughter, you are right where I want you," or "Beloved, you are on the right track." These are things he has shared with me in my moments of question and disbelief.

Some of these moments of doubts comes with the close of the summer. My job falls more on my shoulders, I begin to really direct its steps with the guidance of the Lord. I have been scared. It requires so much more vulnerability on my part. Putting myself out there trying to connect with women in the community, by doing home visits. These make me nervous because I will go door to door with some of the women whom I have made relationships with this past summer. God will provided all that I need but in preparation I think of conversation starters and planning the conversation. I worry and am distracted over the little things. I know that it will be as rewarding as the summer.

God has been encouraging my heart in other ways as well. Our last event for the summer and in some ways first big event for the community was a huge success because God showed up. He brought the people he wanted there. We held an event in conjunction with the Starving Jesus tour. In the afternoon we had a picnic lunch and games for the wRap Kidz. This was awesome. The kids had not seen many of us in about two weeks, so let's say they were pumped! It was incredible to see them come running in looking for their favorite intern or staff member. The hugs were tight and long last Tuesday. The kids had a blast. We had a break and a transition time to get ready for a coffee house in the evening for young adults. Craig Gross and J.R. Mahon came for the evening part and spoke about not being chained to a pew and getting out into the community. God used this message to convict some and for us as staff He strongly encouraged our hearts by showing us we weren't alone. These guys are doing a 40 city tour sharing this message. We had a coffee house then were people could meander around to 3 different rooms for prayer, worship or fellowship. People stayed and hung out and really fellowshiped. It was awesome to see. We had about 60 - 70 young adults there. The building was being used for what God wanted to do that night. It was great people have commented on how strong the spirit was in that building. When you work in a place everyday or you get used to that feeling you forget. I have prayed that I would still notice that feeling.

In preparation for the event Mark had been planning for months and I joined him full force about a week prior to the event. We worked hard, it was crazy how many details kept coming up. Both of us have worked in a church before. I volunteered in a position and I didn't need much help because I didn't have many kids but I still know what it is like to put events on alone. Mark on the other hand has done many many events set-up and tear down alone. He has done some big events that way. He hates it. Last Monday that day before the event we had gotten 90% of the things we needed to decorate and such to the Lazarus House. I and another staff member had called our staff from the summer and they came with a few others on Monday for 4 hours and in the morning on Tuesday to set-up. It was amazing Mark was so blessed and blown away because he could actually run last minuet errands while we were setting up and he didn't have to do it all alone. We transformed the Lazarus House, it was awesome. The Lazarus House is a 1851 mansion with a 1912 addition and we are restoring it to the original time period. So, needless to say that process is timely and expensive. But the Lord is providing in that and is making it into a building that is beautiful in a neighbor that needs it. It is not near finished but it is functional and God helped us make it into a wonderful space for Tuesday.

It was a day of encouragement in from the planning to the clean-up.

(I know this blog is sort of all over the place, sorry)

Update

2006-08-28T22:11:00.000-05:00

Sorry for the delay in updates I am not making excuses simply explaining: I went on vacation and my laptop went to the shop because my backlight kept going out.

But I am back and so is my laptop which is amazing. Oh, how I love my computer. I know I can live without it but I use it so much. I am jst getting my monies worth.

During the last week of wRap Kidz Mark had his fifth and sixth graders on their mission trip to the 'hood'. They work with this ministry and focus on one street and clean it up and play with the kids. I helped clean yards. One house we worked on is right next to Ron and Donna's (my boss'). I has been vacant for about 6 years not up for sale or rent. We are praying for it as a minstry. We hope to use it for staff housing in some fashion. Here are some pictures from before and after on the house I worked on.

I worked on this house with a group of 5 fifth and sixth graders who worked hard. We had a lot of work to do as you can see!

I am also going to post a picture of Jamel and I and some other kids so you can see the ones who have stole my heart!

why must i be a turd

2006-08-05T16:45:00.000-05:00

I just got home from grocery shopping. I have grown to hate grocery shopping, let alone any kind of spending money because it requires more faith and trust in God on my part. Each time is another surrender saying, "thank you for the provision, I am trusting you to do it again as you see fit." This week I received money from a church that had said they would support me. I was grateful but I was disappointed because it was not going to be my security as I thought. It was for not very much money, it helps greatly but it fully leaves in complete reliance on the Lord, which is what he wants. I am not sure how He is going to work through this money and I am trying not to assign it to bills that are off in the distance.

Back to getting home from grocery shopping, I didn't even want to shopping because it is so hard and frankly makes me a little grumpy. I wanted to stop to get coffee but I felt like it wouldn't be a wise use because it is seems frivolous. I realize that God wants me to enjoy things like coffee and going out to eat once and while, but I struggle with giving these things to myself when there are bigger things to take care of. I am learning to find the balance in it all. I cried on the way home from the grocery store because I had just spent money and I want a savings account that provides some security for random expenses and for buying a house, getting married, having kids, and traveling a bit. Some days it is this bad and others it is not an issue. I really just have to go and not think about the future. I called Mark on the way home; I was crying and feeling bad for myself. Being the girl that I am I was pissed I was upset which made me cry even more. Oh being a woman. It is more about trusting the Lord to know the desires of my heart and trusting in his timing than I am really upset about not having money. It is such a security blanket.

All of these thoughts are swirling in my head as I get home from the grocery store I just want to sleep it away but I know I must pray it away. I put away the groceries and chat with one of my roommates a little and then I went to check the mail. None of us usually get any mail but I just felt I should. About a week ago I received a random email from an old dear friend asking for my address because she wished to send me something. I didn't think much of it because my birthday was coming up soon and whatever. In the mail on Saturday were two pieces of mail both addressed to me and no junk mail. I came went into the apartment and began to open them. One was a birthday card with a check for $50, the other was a letter. I began to read the letter my heart began to swell with knowledge of my sinfulness as I finished the letter I was showered with grace and mercy by my father. The letter was from this old friend and it was a story of how God was working in her life this summer and how he was providing for her and in this speaking to her about providing for me as well. Enclosed was a check for $250. God is so faithful.

This act of obedience to the Lord encourages my heart so much because this is part of our vision for the inner city is young adults supporting young adults. We recognize the Lord will use anyone but this generation of young adults wants nothing more than to be a part of something great for the Lord not for their glory but because they love God so much differently than other generations. Her act of obedience also brings glory to God because it shows the depth of her commitment to him but also her trust because she doesn't have millions to give away or even thousands to be comfortable with but she does what he asks of her!

There is one children’s song that frequents my head it goes like this:
My God is so big, so strong and so mighty there is nothing my God can not do!
I am challenged as I even write it, do I really believe that all that time? Do I live it? I know I fail and am a turd some days but I am trying to be open and receptive to a God who loves me and who is so big, so strong and so mighty.

my provision

2006-07-30T07:38:00.000-05:00

i am not sure how to start this blog there is much i want to say and i want to be funny for some reason at 7:39am. i will refrain.

i was in this bible study this summer learning about jewish roots. it is a rich study, very rich! there is so much i have gained from the teaching. i believe it was our first night way back when. about 3 people showed up other than mark and i. i was a bit annoyed because of it and i was only there because i 'had' to be. i didn't have to go but i did. the lesson was on standing stones. the israelites used to erect these massive stones to mark a spot. they were not your normal stone they were almost rectangular in shape the would stand them on end so everyone could see them. they were stones that were not to be moved. each stone in each different location was a sign post of what God had done in that place. then each time someone would pass by it they could ask, "what is that for?" and the people could tell them what God had done.

i know that our lives should be standing stones so that when people encounter us they ask, "what is that ... (attitude, joy, hope, peace) for?" and we can share the relationship we have with Christ. i went home feeling like i would like to build my own little land and begin to put standing stones in it for each time God does something for me. i realize this is somewhat silly because God is constantly providing for my every need. but in some ways the things happening to me seem abnormal to the rest of the world. i know that this is how my life should be and 80% of the time (i will be honest here) i do not wish it were any other way. there are moments of selfishness, if there weren't i might be worried because that is not normal.

some of my recent standing stones are...
-back in april or may i received word that the church i attended would support me financially, God is still working on this one.
-God has provided the most amazing apartment and things to make it function and look like a really apartment and not a dorm room or sorts. i love where i live!
-God has spoke to people to pray for me
-God has provided all my needs according to his riches and glory.

he has provide my needs differently than i had expected. there is a group of people who have given me all of what i have right now. my small groups leaders gave me a check for $100 which was what i needed to finish paying my bills for July. the next week, about a month ago, I got up in the morning and there was an envelop for me. i thought this was odd because i had not given out my new address, only to my small group and the letter was from church. i began to open the envelop and out fell a bunch of gift cards. over $400. oh the tears came. last week i was at for membership classes which is a miracle in itself. and the person teaching it told me to bring my bills to them and they would pay them for the month of Aug. knowing i had a meeting the next night to find out how Grace would be supporting me financially. i still do not know about that.
then again just recently God spoke to them again, and they sent to me by special delivery another set of gift cards about$300.

God is so faithful. people get on me for not being really excited when these things happen. it is not that i am not excited, oh i am grateful. but it is one of the most humbling experiences thus far in my life. i look at who i am and my sin and i wonder why do you chose me God. i know the answer is that he loves me and Zeph. 3:17 says, "the Lord your God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves. He will take great delight in you; in his love he will no longer rebuke you, but will rejoice over you with singing." I know this is true because of these people. God takes delight in providing my needs, he loves it! each time his provision comes i am reminded that i can do nothing apart from him, he is my all. my job is to remain in him.

this space could be my standing stones garden. there are so many ways God has shown me who he is.

streets

2006-07-29T09:35:00.000-05:00

the stories continue to be created everyday. i wish i could write them all down some are amazing and others break your heart. my friend jamel continues to steal my heart along with 4 other six year old boys. their hearts are so tender and hurt. jamel is on the far left with the light blue shirt on. isaiah is next to me in red and caleb is next to him.

caleb comes everyday, his big brother has been coming to wRap Kidz for years, and caleb is finally old enough to come. sometimes he makes it to bible story, sometimes snack and on a few days he makes it for the full two hours. we do send kids home if they are not participating because it affects all the kids. kids want to be here so they usually get sent home only once and then they are back for good. they do not want to go home.

isaiah is the youngest of 5 brothers and sisters. he is so cute, oh my word! the whole family is beautiful. i have made some really good connections with this family and the mom anesha. a church sent 3 of the older kids to VCBC for junior camp when mark spoke. it was a very stretching week for anesha having 3 of her babies in iowa for a week. but it was a good bonding time for her and i as i checked in on her. isaiah and caleb live across the street from each other they are best buds and worst enemies in the same day!

jamel, i have written a little about him before, but he is an amazing kid. jamel walks the streets almost all day long by himself, he is 6 years old. sometimes he has his bike and other times he is just walking in shoes we would have thrown out years ago. jamel often comes by the Lazarus House long before wRap Kidz just to see what is going on there. last week we had a mission team who was working on the fence in front of the property. jamel came by, he wanted to help. we do not let kids come early because it usually causes a problem, so ron sent jamel home. donna walked him home, she began to talk to him. she learned that he doesn't get breakfast unless he walks to the King center which is about 4 blocks away, on that particular day it was closed. she also learned that he just hangs out on the streets alone most of the time. in the house jamel lives there are 11 kids signed up to come to wRap Kidz, about 5 or 6 come on a regular basis. jamel doesn't really seem a part of this group of siblings and cousins. they don't talk to each other or look out for him the way they do the other young ones. ron went home to eat lunch after sending jamel home. he talk to God about sending jamel home and the Lord told him that we needed to be there for jamel. as he was sharing all of this with us durning our prayer time after lunch. he told us that if jamel comes around he can stay and 'work' with us and we'll give him breakfast and lunch on those days. about 3 minuets later jamel came back wondering if wRap kidz was starting, it was truly a God thing. we still had to pray and jamel stayed with us during that itme, we got him some lunch. ron talked to him and told him that he was wrong in sending him home and he can come and play with us anytime we are out but that it was special thing just for him. jamel comes around often now. it was either that day or the next we shared the gospel witht he kids and asked them if they wanted to be jesus' friend. jamel did and then he prayed and said, "i love you God, thanks for being my friend." so sweet precious prayers of a hurting nelegected child who longs to be loved. we were talking with the 1 st and 2nd grade small group and jamel began to ask how big God is. we shared ideas and i told them he was bigger than the sky and the lazarus house. then he looked at me and said, "God is so big that he gave us a heart to love him." jamel is beginning to get it and understand that God loves him and is always there for him when he is walking the streets alone day after day.

do i really get that? oh these kids challenge me to be grateful for what i have and to seek out the Lord because he is all they have. he is really all i have too but do i live like that?

been awhile

2006-07-03T08:50:00.000-05:00

well, it has been a few weeks or rather almost maybe a month. life has been going well. it has it's moments but i am confident the adjustment is well under way and may be over soon. i started my job with the kids and cleaning up the neighborhoods, i love my job. when i am not there i just want to be there. it is amazing. i know part of that is the fascination of a new job but more than that i am where God wants me to be and that makes getting up in the morning a lot easier. i have already seen a change in the kids from day to day.

one little kid, jamel, is very cute. jamel is 6 and lives in a crack house. the first couple of days he was very tough and didn't want to play the 'kid' games. i tried to talk to him but the outer shell seemed rough. i had the chance to walk him home the next day he held my hand the whole way. when we got to his house he gave me a hug and asked, "you gonna be there tomorrow?" as i said "yes" a big smile spread across his face and he went in the house. jamel continues to come back everyday. somedays the attitude is worse than others and other days he is soft and tender. it makes me wonder what happens while he is at home to make him so mad. is he abused in some way on those nights or mornings. he always gives me a hug now, willingly i rarely have to ask for one anymore. the other day he came and he had the biggest belt buckle i have ever seen on a 6 year old it was as big as my fist, with some silver bling. that's my friend jamel.

God has continued to be so faithful in providing financially for me. grace will be providing some funds, but not covering all. i was a little bummed when i heard it but i also knew that would be too easy, if i am walking by faith. the same day i found this out God spoke to friends of mine and i got a check for $100 and then a week later in my mail was over $400 in gift cards for gas, food, and fun. God is very good. he takes care of my every need.

changes

2006-06-07T10:06:00.001-05:00

well life is good. i am all moved and still getting settled. the apartment is bigger than we remembered so that is amazing. granted we have sparce amount of big furniture in the apartment but it is still pretty big.

i started my job yesterday and that went well, things will get better once the summer gets in full swing then my roll will really pick up. i am going to be heading up the ministry for single moms. i was unsure of how that was going to look but when ron asked me to begin sharing about my passions that was that first thing that came out and then things about a youth center and such. i feel like this passion might be temporary to get things going and once we get the youth centers i will work with them.

in conjunction with the wRap Kidz program they run, similar to a vbs/ day camp, they have youth mission teams come in and do work projects in the morning. i will be heading up the beautification of the neighborhood with the youth teams. i will be coordinating the projects and directing them. while they are working my job will be to hang out with the women of the house during that time getting to know who she is. this will get me in the door to begin the process of getting to know the women. in the afternoon i will hang out with the kids at wRap Kidz so they get to know me as well. loving kids helps parents love you.

i am excited that God is putting the details together in his timing.

support for grace seems like it is a done deal, we are praying over the amount that it would be enough for my needs. i will know a amount in late july but they are willing to start a little now which will help.

things are overall going well, the adjustment time is getting better.

finger condom

2006-05-22T13:46:00.000-05:00

well, last friday at caribou i had a run in with the thermometer and i sliced my thumb open. don't ask how. it bled pretty bad, it was gross it is right on the pad of my thumb. i have not noticed how much i use that appendage until now and it hurting all the time. it bleed through a bandage and i changed it and put a new one on and in the first aid kit were a bunch of finger cots, their proper name. they were turquoise blue, very noticeable. i put one on so i could continue to work, it put press on my thumb and held the bandage in place, too. who knew finger condoms were so practical.

this story is a whole lot more funny because at c. harbor my first summer we were looking through the free stuff we had ordered from a company and there were a couple thousand finger cots, and they were not blue but just creamy in color. i believe the idea was to use them as water balloons for a game. hmm... it was more than humorous as we filled one with water and realized what it look liked and then to throw it around... even funnier. the best part was is that finger cots are made of a very durable plastic one that doesn't break easily.

i called my boss' from c. harbor on saturday to tell them i used a finger cot in the right way... good laughs for all.

moving

2006-05-04T13:52:00.000-05:00

moving on...
well things continue to change on a regular basis for me.

God continues to be good and provides things...
1st he has provided a passion some of it new nad most of it has been revived from the past
2nd he provided a job that is beyond my wildest dreams, a place for me to be free to live out the passion God has given me
3rd he has finally provided an apartment, we signed the lease yesterday and it is near mark which is simply a bonus
4th i know he will provide the finacial means he sees fit to carry me through this part of the journey

i realize i am still being vague, there really is no reason for it, it is just fun. so i will explain. i will be working with a non-profit faith based organization in racine. the organization it called lighthouse recovery ministries, i will be working with the Lazarus House specifically. this is an actual house which is being renovated to be used for ministry. they function on a relational level with all the members of the community doing few events and more building relationships. my job title doesn't exsist and i am not taking over a vacant position, yet i am filling a place on staff that God has prepared for me. i can't tell you the details of my job, for they are unknown even to me. crazy this sounds, i know. they run a day camp/ vbs program throughout the summer for the kids in the community, i will begin by getting my feet wet in all aspects of this program. i will have no direct responsiblity except to be where God wants me on a given day. once i begin to get a bigger picture of everything and God begins to visually show me where he wants me to serve things will become more concrete.

p.s. i have signed a year lease without having 'reliable' income. i know my income is reliable because it is from the Lord, just as your is. i just don't know who will be writing the check(s) on a regular basis

God has called me and placed me, he has taken care of many details thus far why should i question him now.

am i scared you wonder... well yes, that is only human, do i have a hope and peace, well yes, that is only the Lord

Gratitude

2006-04-26T13:16:00.000-05:00

lately there has been much thought swirling through my head. in the past couple of weeks i have become grateful for the suffering and hard time in the past. i am able to look back and see so many lessons God has taught me through those times. granted they were not always easy or fun but i wouldn't trade them for anything.

i couldn't be where i am today without the past. do i wish it would have been easier or different? no, because the process of it all has made who i am today. as i sat and shared with a friend yesterday things came out of my mouth i didn't know where in my heart. not bad things but things i have learned through the past. if things were still the same i would have the same friends, be in the same routine of church, being doing jr. high (which was easier for me), and be no closer to the Lord. i would be stuck. i would being doing church as a means to follow Christ. we are not called to sit in a pew and absorb (although that is a part of it). as i had stated in an earlier blog, i was content to go to church, serve and have my 'family'(again that is a part of being a christian but there is so much more) it thought i got it. i had heard before that we need to go outside the walls of this building and reach the lost. i thought i was doing that, and in part i was but i didn't get it. i probably don't fully get it now.

following Christ is so much more than being a part of a church body. we think that being in the church and serving in the church is what it is about and if we are honest we would probably say we know there is more but it is risky out 'there'. i realize there is a need for us to be fed at some level church ministries are good. i am not saying all the ministry is outside the church but 25% should be within the walls and 75% should be outside the wall's to the lost, poor, and oppressed that is where Gods heart is.

i am falling more in love with a God who is risky and not safe, but still incredibly good, loving and detailed. this life i am living, the christian life as we like to call it, is not about being safe and secure, it is about listening and seeking God and being obedient.

i have stepped out on an endeavor that to many seems crazy, risky and maybe unwise. i understand that you may not understand yet but i pray that you too will fall head over heels in love with my God who does not call us to safety and security but to being Christ to people.

Entitlement

2006-04-21T22:48:00.000-05:00

i have become fascinated lately with the idea of entitlement, especially in regards to youth. (don't get me wrong i am a fan of youth) lately i have come across more people in the 14-20 age group who feel they are entitled to something.

i waited on a group of 5 young men and a young girl on wednesday night. upon arriving at their table they began to yell drinks at me and then told me lat time they were here they received cold bread so they deserve more than normal this time. okay, i understand and will compensate you for the less than perfect service you received but there is a way to tell someone that. i was told they got more bread, it was not part of a discussion or offer i made to them. this interaction struck me right away. the words 'we deserve' resonate in my head still.

the other way i have encountered this has been at work also with fellow young employees, they feel their boss owes them something for the time put in. i was at this place at one time or another maybe not too long ago. we feel that because we come in a work we deserve something above and beyond our wages, that isn't good enough. i am not sure what they expect or even what i expected but we feel we are entitled to more because of various things in our heads. i am not saying that we shouldn't be treated fairly but what we expect is different.

when push comes to shove we deserve nothing. we were created to worship a perfect, holy, loving, forgiving, gracious and glorious GOD who loves us no matter what we do. we should be working to glorify his name and for his glory alone, not for all we think is entitled to us. this GOd who created and loves us also forgave us to allow us to come into his presence once agian. our hearts should be full of joy and gratitude. i understand that this concept goes far beyond simply working and is much harder to put into action than to write about it. i am at fault myself. i have just seen this concept put into play by young people in the work force. i think it is more prevelant in teens but i know we all think we deserve something even me.

snow pant shorts

2006-04-07T11:18:00.000-05:00

so, this post came to me about a week ago. i went to the hockey game with my small group and there was the most fascinating discovery.

SNOW PANT SHORTS!

i know believe my calling is to be a hockey player or ref. the players where knee length snow pant shorts and the refs where snow pants to ref in.

could a job be more glorious!! where snow pants all the time.

p.s. this is not the amazing thing God is doing in my life, but more a personal obsession!

amazing

2006-04-06T22:16:00.000-05:00

amazing things are happening in my life. i can't wait to post about them.

God is doing amazing things.

i am currently listening to the new passion 06 cd it came out on tuesday. if any one loves worship music it is an amazing cd.

lent

2006-03-24T12:57:00.000-06:00

i just listened to rob bell's message about lent. as a church they are celebrating lent as they look forward to the resurrection of Christ at Easter.

the first talk was about the temptation of Christ. when satan comes to Christ he attacks his identity. he says if you really are the Son of God then do this or do that. he puts the question of doubt in the face of Christ. satan does the same with us, are you really a child of God, i saw what you did. are you really adopted by Christ, you are not worhty to be called his. these are the lies i have lived with for my whole life, satan will continue to use them to tempt me. when we know who we are in Christ we can confidently refute his lies. i am working dilegently on being condifent in my identity in him alone.

in our humaness we set up a plans for God, Lord if you do this and this i will give you this and that or do this for you. we say God if you fix this mess and heal these people i will stay or serve you the rest of my life. when God doesn't comply with our requirements we conclude he is not a good God.

sometimes he does comply with our list and we can't accept his blessing. our list was something we thought would never happen and in it not happening we would have freedom to leave, yet in his answers we can't deny the fact he is working and we are called to a place we would rather not be. other times he doesn't answer and we suffer loss, pain, heartache and we equate the suffering again with a God who is not providing and not good. we are wrong. he is providing and he is good he is just working in a way that is far beyond our wildest dreams.

sifting

2006-03-21T10:24:00.000-06:00

the majority of my time in the past year has been captured by sadness loss and longing. putting it into technical terms a little bit of depression and grieving over the loss of something i thought i would never get over.

i have been working through these thoughts and feelings over the past month or two, knowing that i would be coming face to face with people and a building that at one point meant so much to me. last week i had to go and sit in the parking lot of the building and work on a list i had made. the list was of things i had lost, people i am angry with and good things. as i sat there and did my homework i thought, it isn't hard to be here, because it is not about the building really, it is about the people. it made me sad to sit and look at the parking lot thinking of football games in the grass, time outside before the gathering, playing games with high school kids outside.

as i drove off it wasn't so sad anymore, i was okay. i knew that i would be back in a few days say good bye again. i cried the following day friday thinking of coming back and my thought was this is really it, the only reason i would have gone back is now leaving also. deep down there was a little hope that things would go back to 'normal' and i could go back. but i know that is not the case things were normal for a while before i knew better.

i went to camp this weekend for a young adult retreat. it was an incredible time. our speaker was very good and touched on a lot of points i needed to hear again and others also. he talked about going through hard times and not relying on your emotions but on the truths of scripture, something i know but have been struggling with a lot. it was convicting. saturday night i talked with a dear friend we chatted about how things were going as i worked through these thoughts and emotions and about the up coming event. i began to better understand why i was were i was. i know the moment my hope was striped and the next day i had to tell my jr. high students what was going on a little, i had to be 'strong/ together for them'. I am not saying i was fake but i had to hold it together then for the rest of the semester (a couple months). i proceeded to go right to camp for the summer where there is no time for grieving and sadness. while i was gone many people left and there were moving 'parties' and more farewells that could have been good for me to be a part of. upon coming home i went right to school and finished my degree. it was a little difficult but i filled my time with school work, two jobs and a relationship. no time again for grieving.

january came i had masked things over for so long that the numbness was so strong it disgusted me. emotions what are those, the only ones i felt were anger, sadness, and bitterness. it was repulsive, feelings of love, joy, and gratitude were no where in my life to be found, if they surfaced it was only for a moment. in talking to my friend on saturday night, she said it is like the death happened a long time ago and this week you will finally see the body in the casket. i knew this weekend would bring closure as it did. she also said, "over time it will not even be about the people that were there."

on sunday morning our the talk was on our identity in Christ out of Eph. 1:3-23. this has been a passage that has been nagging at my heart for the past couple of months. there have been moments when i long to memorize it, the yearning is even great now. as i sat and listened to chuck i began to realize that so much of who i was for so long was rooted in the building and the people. this is not to say that i was not rooted in God but not as much as i should have been. as i went to the final event on sunday night, there was a part of me that didn't want to go. but being there helped me to see that my ideal of church was not what it was and that even some of the people i missed where not who i had thought they were. this is not to say anything about these people really but all the relationships i was longing for so badly to have back, weren't really were it was at. i had placed people and events on a place in a place where they did not belong. you hear so often that people will fail you and that we shouldn't get to caught up in the event of church because that is not what God wants.

people are good God uses them and events are good God uses them but when they are on a higher pedestal than that of the Creator and savior of the world, it is sin.

i am not longer grieving the loss of a building and of people but of the sin that held me there for so long.

wiseness from bm

2006-03-08T13:54:00.000-06:00

so i picked up a book i purchased a couple months back and began reading it, believing god by beth moore. i know some of you out there have your own opinions of beth moore and her teaching style. well, her words have always struck deep in my heart.
i am not that far into the book but already a few things have hit me...

-faith is the only thing that will ever close the gap between our theology and our reality

-"consecrate yourselves, for tomorrow the Lord will do amazing things among you" (josh 3:5)

- the Lord said to moses, "speak to the israelites and say to them: "throughout the generations to come you are to make tassels on the corner of your garment with a blue cord on each tassel. you will have these tassels to look at and so you will remember all the commands of the Lord, that you may obey them and not prostitute yourselves by going after the lusts of your own hearts and eyes. then you will remember to obey all my commands and will be consecrates to your God. i am the LORD your God, who brought you out of egypt to be your God. i am the LORD your God." (num 15:37-41)
in this section she was talking about specifically wearing a blue ribbon to symbolize their commitment to the study, i thought this was interesting especially being lent and all. we are anxiously waiting for the coming of our king and the celebration of his death and resurrection which is remembered at easter. i am entertaining the idea of wearing a ribbon to remind me of this season and the celebration which allows me to live in God's grace for all eternity.
-she focuses on 5 truths throughout this study

God is who He says he is

God can do what he says he can do

I am who God says I am

I can do all things through Christ

God's word is alive and active in me

(i hate when the 4th one is taken out of context, but out of the context of phil. we really can do all things by the power of the holy spirit in us)

things is am crewing on lately

challenged

2006-03-01T13:22:00.000-06:00

well, it has been a few days... more like a week.

i have been challenged to journal and that has taken up some of the time i used to spend blogging. it is a good thing, my journaling.

i have not had much to post on lately. it hasn't snowed again so the snow pants remain sad and lonely of my legs. but hopefully they will get a visit in a few weeks when we venture out to vcbc mid march. i just want a little snow their to go sledding or boom balling. i know some of you are hating right now but my snow pants are lonely.

life is going. progressing forward with glimpses of an end of some of the things i have been battling with in the past year.

p.s. it boggels my mind that the spell checked does not know the word blog or blogging.... yet that is what i am doing... hmmmm!

additional things i love

2006-02-22T08:41:00.000-06:00

dawn and dusk

fire places

getting to know people

mountains

when i get to see the street lights go on or off

vast bodies of water

heading the challenge

2006-02-19T20:49:00.000-06:00

here it is it took a little bit but it was fun!

100 things i love from a to z...

asparagus

apprentice

brazil

bean bag chairs

being home alone

being surprised

blue cheese

blue like jazz

bubble bath

burt's bees

camp

cards

clean things

clearance racks

chocolate

coffee

community

cuddling

culture

discounts

diversity

dominos

down comforters

eating with people
extreme home make over

family dinners

flying in airplanes

francine rivers

fresca

games

gap

glitter

growing

holidays

hospitality

history

humility

hwy 171 to vcbc

icy hot

ikea

ireland

jam on toast

Jesus Christ

junior high kids

keeping secrets

laptops

languages

laughter

learning

lotion

mark

moving forward

music

musicals

my nephew

new hair cut

night quill

obedience

order

oxygen

passion

people watching

pictures

pompom pals

prayer

puzzles

quotes

realness

rent

risks

saving money

scented candles

scrapbooking

showering

serving

sleeping

snow pants

sociology

steak

sudoku

sunlight

target

thai food

the pope

teaching

time with friends

traveling

touch lamps

tulips

universe

unity

warm bed

warm sandwiches

water

west wing

wicked

wine

wise counsel

zig zag parts

snow...

2006-02-16T14:42:00.000-06:00

so today i shoveled partly because my dad shouldn't be shoveling with his back, age and other conditions. especially not when he still has young blood living in the house. so i shoveled.

i guess it wasn't all because i didn't want my dad to hurt himself although this is true, i wanted to wear my snow pants.

i love my snow pants. i am not sure why other than the fact that when i wear them i feel minorly like a super hero, indestructible. for instance if someone were to see my shoveling and the fresh snow and want to push me over or tackle me while in my snow pants, i would be ok with that.

i have been in the house getting warm for the past twenty minutes and i still have me snow pants on because they are so comfortable also.

if you have seen me in action with my snow pants on, you understand it brings a smile to my face and a freedom in my movement.

sleding anyone... winter capture the flag wiht jr. high kids... broom ball...

snow pant woman.

End of the Spear

2006-02-07T22:17:00.000-06:00

i went to go and see the movie End of the Spear. i am not really big on seeing movies in theaters for a variety of reasons, but i went to see this one. i went this evening with some people from my small group. it is a great movie. i will not rant and rave because i am sure someone out there has seen and things differently than i.

this movie was not highly advertised and unfortunately will probably only have a few more days in theaters before it moves to budget or out all together. it is about the miss to ecuador who were killed, jim elliot being one of them and their wives who went back to the tribe later and reached the people. this movie is highly thought provoking and emotional. it is one of those movies you might need to see again just to process.

some thoughts i walked away with are ...
...do i love christ enough to die for him?
...could i love someone who hurt me badly?
...who do i have a hard time trusting?
...what wrongs do i want to avenge?
...missions, millions of people have not heard the good news yet.
...i know i am ready for heaven but who in my life is not?
...where would i go for christ?
...obedience is hard!
...obedience is worth it, for the glory of God!

i would recommend seeing this movie either in it's last days in the theater or getting it on dvd/video when it comes out. it would be a great teaching lesson for youth, has amazing lessons and passion.

check it out at: www.endofthespear.com

blurp

2006-02-07T13:30:00.000-06:00

well, here is a short blurp...

this week is going better, not as rough as the one before or the one before that. i am working hard to take my thoughts captive and makes some moves forward in my life.

i am makes steps, i wouldn't say strides just yet, because a few of them are simply baby steps. but they are steps none the less.

my anxiety still gets the best of me at times but taking things moment by moment not thinking to far in the future helps. when the future is so unknown why go there right now.

meeting with friends who tell you that you are normal and still the same person deep down. when you feel as if you can't figure out who you are or which end is up... settles the heart ever so much!

soaking

2006-02-01T20:58:00.000-06:00

so lately i have enjoyed soaking in the warm water of a bath with lots of bubbles. i just find that completely relaxing, the water splashing lightly on my sudoku puzzle book. ahhh... sweet peace.

the peace i have found more relaxing and lasting than a warm bubble bath is soaking in the word of God. i have had some sweet time lately. i have felt close too my heavenly father. last week was really rough and this week is better but still hard. not that my relationship with Christ is based on how i feel but the tingle you get when you hear him speak after a long time of silence (which may or may not have been his choice). in my case so much was blocking him.

my thoughts run like a freight train changing in an instant, some are quick and other drag on and haunt me. in the midst of the deception i do not even realize what is happening, i know something is wrong but i can't snap out of it. i am getting better at taking every thought captive and making it obedient to Christ, thinking on things that are true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, and praiseworthy. often my thoughts are self destructive and contain a very twisted version of truth. oh, how i get deceived so quickly.

on sunday, we talked in church on healing physically, spiritually and emotionally. it was a morning i did not even feel like getting out of bed. my covers were comfortable and i emotionally did not not feel like facing the day. i got up and got ready for church and spent sweet time in the car with my savior. the teaching i felt was for me, i held in the tears until he finished, he dismissed us and said if there were people who needed physical healing to come up to the sides and for spiritually healing to come on stage and for emotional healing to come down center. my body was paralyzed i couldn't get up but oh i wanted to, instead with my head in my hands i cried out to God. i can't do this anymore. you are the only one who can help me get better, sleeping more doesn't help, crying does not help, mark and ec can't fix me...but lord you can.

i want to get out of this funk. it is not fun but looking at where i am i realize that it is natural for me to be here. this doesn't give me permission to stay here but it is understandable after the past 7 months. loss of a family who was so dear to me, a summer of serving on less than empty, and graduating from college with nothing lined up. there is much in the air. my heart is healing and curious as to the next step.

when i come to the presence of the Lord i come into holiness, it can be nothing else. my faith can make me whole again. in these moments of weakness i am realizing i am not as strong as i think but Christ is strong. through grace alone can i fight my past and thoughts. when i hid in fear and stay where i am not called to be i dishonor God.

i know he is calling me to be whole again and i must make steps to get there in his grace.

enjoyment additions

2006-01-28T09:31:00.000-06:00

some more things that make me happy...

...soaking in the bathtub
...using the jets in the bathtub
... soaking 'till the water gets cool and your fingers and toes are raisin-esk
...writing blogs
...managing at outback so i don't have to worry about tips
...friends who come a visit
...a boyfriend who stops over for a moment to see how you are doing
...friends who can see things you need because you can't
...friends who pray for you
...knowing i have victory in Christ
...worship music
...itunes
...a clean room
...the house to myself
...my nephew
...two days off
...getting up early... yet still having slept in late
...
...
...
...
...
...
...

emotional hypochondriac

2006-01-27T22:45:00.000-06:00

well, lately my life has been a roller coaster. one day i am okay and another i am not. sometimes it doesn't even come and go from day to day, it is a moment by moment. i sit back and think this is not where i thought i would be. in some ways that is a good thing. i grade school when i answered the question where will you be in 10 years, i wasn't adding my faith into the equation. which i am very thankful for. but i thought i would be a teacher or do something with youth. i have but i am not doing it now.

people see me and tell me i don't look happy and others tell me they wish i could find something i can enjoy. or i read about something in a book and immediately i think that is me. i think i am unhappy because people tell me that. it may be valid but i feel as if i can't determine who i am. whatever people tell me, i am. i am trying to figure out what is wrong and where the roots lie but i can not. so, i feel like i grasp at everythign thinking this it is and i will try this to get rid of my bad feelings. like the person who reads about cancer and then they have that particular rare disease.

i know that things aren't great right now. i am really tired of feeling bad all the time and i want to change things. i am not sure how. except through prayer and humbling myself to get help whatever that means.

i talked to a friend today, she said she thought i was under a spiritual attack emotionally and mentally. i feel so out of control of my emotions. my thoughts get so crazy sometimes i can't snap out of it. we prayed for a while and i can't tell you the peace i felt. oh it was sweet. after i spend time in the word i feel so good as well. i can't get enough scripture lately. i want more and more. i need it.

i know that i will get better, i want to have joy again. i want to stop hurting the people i love. i want to be incontrol of my thoughts. i will be all of these things in time. it is a process and i need to be diligent in getting there.

oh i want to live in the joy of my salvation again.

enjoyment

2006-01-23T13:30:00.000-06:00

there are something that bring great joy in my life...

today i am sitting at the kitchen table with my bible and the sun is streaming in... that is great joy...i really miss the sun when it is gone
the list goes on...

...tulips given out of love that are blossoming as there is 2 inches of snow outside my window
...being touched by the king's word
...spending a weekend at vcbc
...having a morning to sleep in until 10:30am
...getting to see dear people and hugging them after a long time of distance
...serving God
...learning about God's justice and righteousness
...coffee and cinnamon raisin toast
...new (pink) sweatpants
...seeing mark after a week
...sleeping in my own bed
...the sunlight
...tulips
...my jobs
...a shower
...new trident gum
...beginning to feel again
...being in control of my emotions for a whole weekend
...talking with old friends
...knowing i can trust in God's plan
...seeing mark smile
...bonsai trees (even though they are hard to grow :( )
...knowing that despite my lack of faith God is still working
...my future
...music
...so many things the list goes on and on
...can i say tulips and sunlight again

oh so much to be thankful for...enjoyment!

not even a hint.

2006-01-22T23:49:00.000-06:00

wow so many things are going on and yet not all that much. i really didn't expect to feel this let down after college graduation. everyone asks the million dollar question, "now what?" and my answer is well i have two jobs and i am looking at things. there is a sense of loss which has been a theme in my life for the last 7 months. the lord gives and the lord takes away, blessed be the name of the lord.

i know he is making to into someone cool but the process right now is not jiving with me. i have been able to control my emotions a bit better lately, i am getting back to feeling happy. the winter really does things to me. i think i have that sadd thing, seasonal a------ disorder. but it is where you get down when the weather is bad.

i have been getting a lot out of the bible lately. i have been trying really hard to connect with my savior again and i feel a flicker of light for the first time in a long time that has been growing into a flame slowly over the last three weeks. that makes me feel better. god is good and in control with my best interests in mind.

the last thought that has been plaguing my mind lately is this... as a christian does anyone else find themselves laughing at things that aren't funny or rather shouldn't be funny? i mean things that are horribly inappropriate but not completely pure. these things for me are usually jokes of the sexual manner. they are funny sometimes hilarious in the worlds eyes, but christ calls us to have not even a hint of sexual immorality. i know what the right answer is we should watch it or part take in them... but a part of me seems that is too legalistic, not because i want to keep laughing at these things or want to devalue sex or people, but i feel like we need to keep a light heart without being in it. being in the world but not of it has a fine line that may be different for all. i am not saying this because i want to partake because i know my self and i know what not evena hint means for me and believe me i don't take it lightly but where is the line...?

okay enough rambling.

this is completely random. i could write forever, there is a lot on my mind but i think it is geeky to write 4+ blogs in one night.

kraut update

2006-01-11T20:34:00.000-06:00

well, i have a sauerkraut update. if anyone wants some we got it. i am assuming it took longer than the 3-5 weeks from when i posted last. my dad canned it all right before i left for passion and now we are giving it out like it is our business.

krajcik kraut has a nice ring to it. i should talk to my dad about a family business.

i am looking forward to eating it. i am sad that i will be gone on the most popular day to eat sauerkraut st. patrick's day, but i am sure by march i will be krauted out.

p.s. when spell check see krajcik it thinks it should be graces... figure that one out! the spelling are so close.

passion

2006-01-07T23:28:00.000-06:00

well, i am home after travels for about two weeks. the first part was good and relaxing and the last part was healing and encouraging. from jan. 2nd through the 5th i was at passion '06 in nashville. mark and i went down with 13 other young adults from grace and came back with 14 (this was planned we had to pick one up at the airport). it was an incredible time of healing for me.

as i think upon the last year of my life, i can sum it into a few words: hurt, stretching, and questions. i have spent the majority of this past year questioning god. i began the year with indescribable feelings for a dear friend and i kind of am ending with indescribable feelings towards that same person, but wondering how i am so blessed in midst of the pain of the last year. in the midst of this relationship that happened to me i went through some difficult changes this past year which left me question Gods character, which by the way in unchanging. who am i to question.

i went to passion knowing that i was about to be kicked in the butt. monday night i cried throughout worship. being in a place so saturated by the presence of God atfer months of draught, i felt as if a wildfire was about to begin. i am glad for that. there were 18,000 total about 3,300 leaders and about 14,700 students from all over the world gather in one place from one purpose. with very gifted and passionate worship leaders and speakers who would have thought that college students could be so passionate about the one who created them.

over the days it got easier to worship my savior. it felt funny at first after being numb for so long, letting go of all of that was difficult. i discovered there is still hurt and i can't simply say i am better and that means i am, but i am getting there. i also sadly realized that i forgot the our God is a good God who loves me dearly and that he ordained the events of the last year to happen in order to mature and complete me into the woman he wants me to be. suffering is part of my life in Christ. i am happy to suffer because he suffered for me. my suffering is meant only to show his glory to other people.

i have to say i am sorry if i did not display his glory in the midst of my suffering. i forgot. that is no excuse to the creator of all but it is a start. i found answers to questions i had about why things happened. nothing that tells me how my pain will be used in the life of others but i know that he loves me and delights in me and that my suffering is not in vain it is to display his glory, because he is a big God and i am a small love of his life.

scripture tells us that our suffering is for his glory...
Rom 8:17
Now if we are children, then we are heirsÂheirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory.

Phil3:10-11
I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead.

In James 1:2-4 it says...
Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

as much as events of last year stunk i want more than anything to be the woman God created me to be and is making me into. on the end of my old email address there were two quotes, i never changed them becauseevery time i went to do it, they once again struck a cord with me.

God knows what He is doing with my life and yours, TRUST HIM. He is busy making you and I into people no one else has ever been before.
-Beth Moore

God has the right to interrupt my life. He is Lord. When I accepted Him as Lord, I gave Him the right to help Himself to my life anytime He wants.

-henry blackaby

this is my heart beat once again.

updates

2006-01-07T22:26:00.000-06:00

wow, it has been a great couple of weeks. i will try to be brief but so much has happened. no there is no ring, but other more amazing things are happening. i am entering this blog from my new laptop. which exciting. it is no apple, because my parents were purchasing it for me but it is a very nice hp special edition, with a remote control for watching dvd's. i haven't seen any apples with that feature yet.

i was able to spent a wonderful couple of days outside of detroit with mark and his family. it was a great time to enjoy one another and relax after a hectic couple of months. upon returning home mark had a small new year's eve gathering and then we were off again with 14 other young adults for an incredible time at passion '06 in nashville. an amazing time of worship, teaching and fellowship with 18,000 other college students. i will blog more about that in a moment it warrants it's own entry.

i am home and life continues on, i am gradually looking for a job but am also currently content at my 2 jobs. if something happens to catch my eye i will pursue it but am happy for now catching up on some $$ and saving. i enjoy both jobs so this should not be bad.

i am amazed at the way god works and gives us rest when we need it but shows us that life continues and he is good.

Pleasantly surprised

2005-12-23T13:01:00.000-06:00

so, i graduated from college last weekend. i personally am not exactly sure how i feel about this accomplishment just yet. i mean it is a great feat to achieve but when the question comes what is next, it kind of makes me want to cry. i have no idea. i think this is okay for now, i am sure i will find my way. this year has held a lot of loses for me, some good and healthy and others by default, graduation. the rest of these thoughts are for another day.

i was delightfully confused on Sunday while my boyfriend was in the midst of putting together, to the last detail, a surprise graduation a party for me. you see my parents didn't seem to make a big deal about my graduation i was a little saddened because everyone kept telling me what an accomplishment i have made and great job. and my family as wonderful as they are didn't say too much. their are so many other issues at hand here, it is probably not that they didn't notice or care they do have a lot going on. so, i didn't want to burden anyone with making them sit through a huge ceremony, i didn't really want to either. so, it was sunday i had been informed for about a week that i could come over to mark's after church but had to be gone from 5pm-7pm. i thought it highly weird as sunday is our day together.

5pm came around and michelle came to pick me up, so we could go and venture off together for 2 hours. i had some ideas in my head of why but i couldn't figure out what was going on. i thought mark was going to make me dinner but then when we went out to lunch at 3ish i thought it a little weird. that idea was tossed. i really didn't have too many thoughts. michelle and i were out and she was like what do you think is going on, so i told her some of my thoughts but all seemed a little odd. then she looks at me and says "do you think he is going to propose?" i began to freak out a little and was like michelle what do you know, did he talk to you? she didn't say to much else, i didn't think this was a good thought but could it really be?

we arrive back at mark's i had to take a bunch of bags up to his apartment and one of the handles broke, so i am struggling and michelle (who needs to get up to the party somehow) says "would you like me to help?" i said "no". i got the bag together enough so i could get upstairs. mark opened the door and i went in to find a group of my favorite people in the world.

it was a little overwhelming, as a surprise should be. it was really great i felt good about graduating for the first time. i felt special, l felt loved. not that those feelings aren't always there but when someone goes out of their way for you, when people drive an hour to be there for you after driving for 8 hours, i makes those feeling all the more enhanced.

he thought of every thing according to me, from aparagaus appetizer to the people he invited. i must say i have the most amazing boyfriend in the world!

some words

2005-12-20T16:34:00.000-06:00

for 24 years i have been listening to christmas music. i mean it comes on non stop starting right after thanksgiving and continues. when you work in retail which i have for the last 10 years, your place of employment usually requires that chirstmas music is played continuously.

this year, i have tried harder to listen to the words, because i am like there has to be something here. and low and behold there are great jewels in the rough. as old as some songs are when you find these words in a song that suddenly mean so much i wait for songs to come on the radio now. the truth that is laced within so many songs is incredible. this season is so offensive to those who don't believe in Jesus Christ. The lyrics in most christmas songs are satans demise if people really listened.

a few that have hit me are...
the third verse of silent night

Silent night, holy night!
Son of God love's pure light.
Radiant beams from Thy holy face
With dawn of redeeming grace,
Jesus Lord, at Thy birth.
Jesus Lord, at Thy birth.

Jesus Lord at thy birth. WOW, i can't remember how many times i sang this song for christmas concerts in grade school or at church during advent. this line never had so much of an impact on me. that little babe wrapped in swaddling clothing was the Lord Jesus Christ who came into this world, for me and you! He was Lord at thy birth. makes you pause a moment.

the other song that has really stuck out this year is O, Holy night...

Till he appeared and the soul felt its worth.

Fall on your knees! Oh hear the angel voices!
Oh night divine! Oh night when Christ was born!
Oh night divine! Oh night! Oh night divine!

till he appeared and the soul felt it's worth, WOW that one makes you stop and think also. i often think of being on your knees as a humble state, i do no not find my self their as often as i should. People came and knelt at the crib to see Jesus Christ the babe, our Lord and savior. They recognized him as Christ the Lord, Emmanuel and we fail to do that with all that we have.

i hope that you have found some jewels in the rough this season within songs of the holiday or scripture that has been read and is so familiar take a moment to read it fresh. have a very merry Christmas!

done

2005-12-17T22:21:00.000-06:00

i just completed my last paper of my undergraduate career. it has been a long one. i still have some proof reading to do but the meat is done and i am releaved.

thinking of happier times

2005-12-13T19:18:00.000-06:00

I miss you guys so bad...one ot the best weekends of the year.
that was a great day... i can't wait 'till i see you again.
off to never never land wiht peter pan and the lost boys!
tomorrow has to be better...

sometimes my life makes me want to swear

2005-12-13T18:50:00.000-06:00

every so often my life gets to that point where i just want to throw my hands in the air and ask how the **** did my life get like this.

i am in the midst of trying to finish my last semester of my undergrad and life is doing it's own thing. alanas keeps playing in my head, isn't it ironic don't you think. when you finally feel like you have made some progress and gotten over a few humps and healed from wounds that you received. and then you find your self 10 steps back and trying to regain your focus again.

i am convicted that these things come up for a reason but i ask god why right now. i was actually having a good day, can't there just be one, once and awhile. i was thinking one class down, paper turned in exam completed well, and two more 3-5 page papers due by next monday. i am in the clear. emotionally i am doing pretty well. definitely better than other days and then WHAM...

maybe it is just i am hit with the reality that is my life and the hurts that still exist, that i haven't fully recovered from. i am not sure. gosh the thoughts are flying. who am i to even question what god is doing? he is a good and sovereign god who loves me very much. sometimes it is really overwhelming.

this is a very depressing post i am sorry life has been hard lately. there are many things that are on my mind as i graduate and look for a job and think about moving out and trying to understand what has happened in my life in the past year the good and the bad. i think i should stop thinking. it is better to not worry, god tells me that i might go and give it a try. he is usually right.

life is definiately a roll coaster right now. i need to open my hands and enjoy the ride, going up and down makes my stomach a little queezy.

we have a winner

2005-12-12T08:19:00.000-06:00

well yesterday was our annual cookie day. it was good. getting 6 girls in the kitchen is a good thing and a bad thing. we got a lot (i mean a LOT) of cookies made yesterday. i disappeared for moments at a time, because i felt simply in the way. it was overall really a good time. my grandma came over and i think we are finally getting some of her good old fashion cookies down pat. we copied her recipe's yesterday that felt funny, like she wasn't going to be around next year. she is a precious gem who has a lot of cooking knowledge that needs to get out.

after cookies we celebrated my mom's birthday so all the boys came over then. my brother nick and brother-in-law paul brought pizza and my nephew. mark came and john my other bro-in-law. and joe came home from snowboarding just in time. it was good. i was nervous about having mark there because the last couple of times has been awkward. this was the first time he was there just us, the other times it has been grandparents and friends or extended family. we are different around them. we ate with my sister anna (with whom i had a heart to heart about relationships a couple of weeks ago, we went out to coffee...a first) and her husband john. it was good for mark and i, i think. we found things to talk about which is a challenge for me with my siblings some times.

we sat around and opened my mom's presents. then we went wanted to take joe (my little bro.) to see narnia. but he was sore and decided to lay on his bed and play video games instead. so we went with anna and john instead, this was fun. i didn't think about how out there the movie is spiritually. i never got into the books as a youth. i am glad i didn't think about it because i probably would have shied away from taking them. we all really enjoyed the movie and john actually brought up the spiritual factor in the car on the way home we didn't get into it but it was cool to have him acknowledge it. it was a really good movie and an incredible telling of the gospel.

when i got home john was in the house laughing about all the similarities he saw between anna and i. mark did the same as i said good night to him. we laugh the same, we shiver the same, our noses get cold. it was really good and mark got to hear lots of stories about me growing up, i guess they had to come out at some point. better sooner rather than later. he still has a chance to run.

mark got to see a little different side to my family. it was good. and my family got to know him better too, a little! we have a winner. it was a good day.

encounter with kris

2005-12-09T22:46:00.000-06:00

so the other day while i was working at the coffee shop i waited on the gentleman with a white bread and a belly that shook like a bowl full of jelly. i had a momentary thought that i was getting a large hot cocoa for kris kringle. maybe it was the fact that he got the trivia question or the day correct which was: in what holiday movie was the real santa on trial? you'd be surprised that people don't know what movie it is. but he did. and he had a soft gentle voice like santa should have and nice rosy cheeks that glowed when he smiled.

i know it is rediculous, because kris kringle isn't real but it was a thought. i seriously thought to myself i should be extra nice to him so he brings me more presents. oh dear me. i am sure i could go some where spiritual and deep with this but i am tired and my brain is not functioning. or as i told mark the other day, i have no thoughts in my head.

where have you run into kris kringle?

ho ho ho

off the hook or understanding

2005-12-07T20:24:00.000-06:00

roses are red
violets are blue

earlier this week a dear friend had a horrible day at work. this bad day wasn't anything new, she is doing the best she can with the training she has received (which hasn't been much). she has taught herself many new tasks and is getting ojt (on the job training) everyday. things just continue to not work or go wrong i am positive it is not her fault. so many other people and issues effect this bad monday that happened.

i left her after work and felt horrible because their was nothing i could do. every girls loves flowers so i thought it would be nice to get her some. not just bring them into work the next day but delivery. i wanted her to feel special and appreciated. flowers are a no fail when it comes to girls.

they were delivered and beautiful as ever. she smiled in delight. i think it brightened her day.

as i left work the following day i was thinking about the event of getting the flowers and the dent they put in my wallet. a friend and i split the $$ but still they were not cheap. i thought to myself they are pretty now but in 5 days when they begin to wilt will they still be beautiful. to some they may still be beautiful and they will for any women be a symbol of care and remembrance.

i thought to myself, maybe the cost is what drives most men away from buying flowers for their loved one. i know a few men who do it often and their women love it. i know other men like my father who i have only witnessed it a few times. i have seen my mother buy flowers for herself more than he has bought them for her. it is not a big thing to them. i began to think what is so special about flowers? they die. why not get a gift that lasts, jewelry or handmade. but then i stopped my thoughts and said to myself, "katee how many times have you longed to get flowers." i can't tell you the number it is far too high. i have received them a few times and they add to the day. i remembered how special i felt on those occasions. i felt special. i felt cared about, adored, loved.

so maybe it is that guys think they are too expensive and they are. or maybe it is that they know they will die in a short time and not last like another gift they will give.

i am not saying guys are off the hook for giving flowers but i understand why they don't, i guess. there is a little more understanding from my end.

i am not going to fool you and tell you i don't want them because they are too expensive or because they will die. the way they make a girl feel is priceless and says you are loved, adored, appreciated, special, and one of my favorite people! every girl wants to be fought for and pursued ... some girls like flowers and most girls will take it anyway it comes!

being in charge

2005-12-04T21:23:00.000-06:00

so, i have been front of the house managing for a couple of weeks now at outback. i have been with the company for almost years, i have been in every role thus far minus bartender which i don't want to do to. tonight was really bad, or should i say hard. our sunday customers are pretty bad the majority of them complain about their steaks even when to our chart and standard they are cooked properly. i understand everyone likes their medium a different way, but for what we say our medium is going to be (a bright pink center) that is exactly how it comes out. but on sundays people complain about it. so i had to cook up a bunch of steaks and recook a couple so as the foh manager i get to talk to each table about their food when i return it to their table after being fixed. most people are understanding.

so cook ups are one thing and then people complaining about their steaks is another. i had one woman who didn't want anything new but didn't want her steak and it was her birthday. she cried. her husband said it wouldn't keep them away it was just an off day for them and us. another of our regulars wanted new sirloins. can i just say that if you get a sirloin it is not the best quality cut of meat you can eat and their will be grissle in it. it is sirloin not filet. don't get a sirloin and expect it to be filet quality even at outback. we do have very good sirloins but don't complain about the grade of steak if you order the cheap one.

to top off all of these issues, i had a hostess who talked back. not many of you have ever seen me get talked back to or fight with a sibling, as you might imagine i can get a little fiesta. i didn't' t go off on her but i had to walk away about 6 or 7 times because she would contradict every thing i said. when i made a decision about where a party should be seated she told why it shouldn't or couldn't go there and do the opposite of what i said. she cut down her fellow hostess, who are new but are doing a great job, in front of them. i know i am called to love her in christ but she is a little e.r.g (extra grace required). at one point, after walking away to gain composure, i told her, "i hosted for 9 months i know how to do this job well, and i was trained as a manager i know what i am doing. i need you to listen to me and do what i say." she never smiles ever, and is only nice to customers when she wants to be. after i said this to her a customer walked in and she dismissed me and smiled 'happily' at the customer. i simply walked away again. and went to tend to other issues i had going on. she continued to do things her way and screw things up on top of the customer issues.

i did end up writing her up after talking to the manager above me. she is on her way out. their is something in my heart that makes it break for her. she is so unhappy with her life. i did part of her training and really liked her, she is about 6 months pregnant. living with her boyfriend who she doesn't work and she supports. i can't imagine she has any support from her family and i see the terror in her eyes about what her life has become. i am trying to be nice to her, i want to do something nice for her. i am pretty set that if she still works with us in a month of two that i will throw her a baby shower. i just wish she didn't make me so mad. if she wasn't pregnant i am pretty sure she would have been fired a month ago. i wish she would see that people care and are trying to help her.

oh how she needs to feel loved. i wish i could show her in a better way. it is hard to show love when you have to discipline. oh, my heart breaks tonight. may she see the light of christ in me, despite how she treats me.

holidays...my family

2005-11-26T10:26:00.000-06:00

so, every holiday i get excited for the event. i some how think it is going to be different and we will have fun and make this great memory. most years/ events i am let down. i am not sure of the hype of these special days anymore.

this thanksgiving i woke at 7:59am in grand rapids, mi. i didn't set an alarm my body thankfully just woke up. i turned behind me to look out the window to see, snow, lots of snow. i got ready and got my things together to leave. i was nervous to drive home in the snow. by the time i was ready the snow had stopped falling for the most part or so i thought. i got my car loaded and mark got up and helped me clean off my car and explained the directions. i got in the car wishing with all my heart i didn't have to go home and i could go to detriot with him for the weekend.

i began driving found the gas station and the freeway just fine and the roads weren't really that bad. i hit some bad pockets of snow falling and blowing at the same time, leaving little to no visibility. i talked myself through them, literally. harry potter and his friends keep me company the whole way home.

i arrived at my sisters with time to spare. i relaxed a little and then the rest of my family began arriving. we ate at about 3:30pm. there were 16 people downstairs and 12 upstairs at her brother and sister-in-laws house. i helped get the table sat and food out. then i sat very quite at the table and ate. none of my siblings really talk to me much.

i think it is wierd these days. it has gotten better with my family as we are older now with the 16 years age gap between oldest and youngest. but since i became a christian life with my family has simply been wired. no one really knows what to talk to me about for fear that i will bible thump i think, but i have never been like that. i will talk about church and my faith a little, i'll bring it up randomly and i see people get uncomfortable so i stop. i am not one to get on the table and preach to them. it is not like that with my faith. they all walk on egg shells around me. i don't like it but i am not sure how to change it. they brought up mark and wondered where he is and why i drove to grand rapids for such a shor time, it is rediculous they tell me. i don't think the time was wasted at all. i tell them he is at home with his family. i really don't think my family likes him all that much. it bothers me a lot. i can't understand what they don't like. it is probably less dislike and more of the fact that they really don't know him. and also the fact that none of them have ever dated anyone who lives at any distance or that his/her family lives in another state or even a couple hours away. i am different in that way too.

my one sister and brother are both kind of into art, not that it draws people together but there is a common thread. i think more than anything it is the fact that he works at a church. they don't know what they can or can't say around him or if they'll offend simply by their lifestyles. it amazes me that how much the way i live simply is different and offensive to my family. i realize also that it is not really me but more so the holy spirit working in their lives and convicting them without me having to do much, except live a life affected by the cross. the choices i make are different and the way i live is different. i am still a part of the family and long to belong adn be friends with them.

i guess in the end it is not such a bad thing that i don't fit in just the way i want to.

11 gallons

2005-11-20T21:01:00.000-06:00

11 gallons of free gasoline would be nice
11 gallons of water would be good for you over time
11 gallons of resling wine would be fabulous (of course no in one sitting)
11 gallons is a lot of any thing

11 gallons full of sauerkraut ...
... is healthy, tasty, and convenient according too the sauerkraut.com site
... is a cancer inhibitor, apparently if you eat enough on a regular basis it helps prevent cancer and is a good source of vitamins
... is helpful in preventing canker sores
... is used to treat chickens with the bird flu in seoul
... is in my basement!

yes, that is correct my father (a wonderful man) decided today to cut the 8 20lb. head of cabbage, he bought up north, to make sauerkraut. it is currently fermenting about 15 ft. from my bed. there is a wall dividing the sauerkraut and i as i sleep. the odor wafts about the house and i am surprised it is seeping out of the bricks of my house.

the good news is it will be done in just 4-5 weeks depending on the weather. if it stays between 70-75 degrees it will be finished fermenting in just 3-4 weeks and if it is between 65-55 degrees it will be 4-5 weeks.

i can tell you a few things, no one in our family or any of our friends are fearful of the bird flu any longer... sauerkraut will save us and secondly i am praying for warmer weather not just because i hate being cold but because the sauerkraut will be done faster.

learned something new today

2005-11-20T17:01:00.000-06:00

bonsai trees...my new passion

so i went to the holiday folk fair today and who would have thought they would have bonsai trees there, but they did. it was actually a contest of sorts these trees were on display about 20 in total they ranged from 2 years to 40 years old and were the coolest plants i have ever seen. i want to grow them... he he he... christmas present hints... bonsai trees for katee.

i wanted to know how to grow them and what they are all about. so i visited some websites and found some information. they are mini trees i realzie with my lack of knowledge i am probably not labeling them correctly. i thought they were the coolest things i have seen in a long time i could have stood and looked at them all day seriously. some of the their leaves were chaning colors or falling off. one was a little forest with like 8 trees in the pot. one had roots that went over the top of a rock. incredible. some are 25 cm. tall and others grow to be as tall as one meter (3.33ft). you can plant them from seeds or from another tree, and then you prune and train the tree to grow in the desired shape. you can pinch off new growth and repot to keep it in the desired size and shape.

as i was searching for bonsai tree information i stumbled upon one site that sells bonsai trees so i checked them out, the cheapest was about $2,500 and the most expensive one was $10,000. the seed are only $4.95. what a lucrative buisness takes a long time to develop becasue these trees were older in years, but a good way to spend retirement if i start now. who cares about a 401k i got bonsai trees to sell!

check out http://www.bonsaisite.com/index.html

how does it happen ...

2005-11-19T09:07:00.000-06:00

how does it happen that you can sit with 12-14 women for about an hour every week and feel like you don't know any thing about them. i have been struck lately by the thoughts of community and connectedness simply because i feel my life lacks it. it is not necessarily my fault it lacks connection but through some changes that were made in a place i belonged. i made the choice to leave so i do take responsibility but i also feel as if i stayed in this place it would not have been the same. so i chose to utilize another place to find some sort of connection, this group has a ridged schedule begin at 9:10am and end at 11:10am, in between these two hours is more scheduled time markers to begin other parts. at 10:17 the piano stops and the speaker begins. i am all for structure, but in a bible study this seems a bit odd to me. there is no room for the spirit to lead or connection to be made because the time spent together is driven by time dead lines.
i sat an wondered last week, as i sat alone in a pew waiting between the discussion time and the speaker, how many of the other 350 women attending feel the same way or do they like going here because they don't need to be open and get into the lives of others. i must stop for a moment a mention that i do know some people from the past that attend this study but have not made any new connections. it seems this way with all the women talking, they new each other before. there is no attempt to make new connections or get out of your comfort zone. i also realize as i write and rag on this organization that i have some responsibility to meet new people. i need to work on that.
jesus constantly went to different towns and places i am sure he had to meet people he didn't know. this may be a little different because he was god and knows us all already. but what if jesus in the flesh had a little anxiety about going up to the woman at the well and talking to her when he was not supposed to or telling her something she may not have wanted to hear. jesus constantly went out of his box of comfort to confront, love, and connect with all people. jesus was and is god, but he was also fully man and he can relate to all of our feelings and stresses because he has been their before. what if he wasn't obedient because he was scared? or he was restricted by someone keeping a ridged immovable schedule.
before i end i must point out that i understand why a few of these rules are in place within the organization, women like to talk and if you don't cut them off they might not stop, i know this first hand, also i do realize that there are over 100 different churches and faiths represented by the 350 women within this organization, they do not want us to get caught up in debating issues that make us stray from learning directly from scripture. i understand these rules based of these issues, it doesn't help me feel connected to the women i sit with and share things god is teaching me. it is great that we are bound by the blood of chirst despite our particular beliefs that might not be matters of first importance.
overall this bible study is good, i enjoy the teaching it helps me learn more right from scripture. i just wish it allowed for more personal connection with others. and i wish i could be as obedient as jesus in talking to others i don't know and might be risky to me!

a few days

2005-11-14T18:34:00.000-06:00

okay so i have discovered that i am not that good at this. i can't find things too write about. there doesn't seem to be much floating around in my head these days to post about. i worked this morning at 5am it was okay then i came home and slept from 1:30 - 4:15pm which was way too long i didn't end up getting anything done and as i say that i sit here and write nothing on my blog. the irony of it all. i guess i am trying to get used to it maybe this will never be for me but i would never know that if i didn't give it a try right?

i have to go to class now...that is good i am sure i will have something to rant about after class this class always seems to set a fire under me about some issue because people in the class feel that there is so much injustice in the world and we are all out to make life so hard for the minorities. which i think is complete crap, i am not going to stand here and say that minorities have it easy or anything like that but not everyone is out to get you or cheat you. making change in a community and society is very difficult to do and when you stand and say poor me poor me nothing is going to change in that sense.

my prof. for this class is horrendous. i am glad for class evaluations this semester. he canceled class three weeks ago and didn't email or any thing so we all showed up to find out we didn't have to be there and we had a major paper due. i won't complain about the paper because it gave us an extra week to revise it (which i barely did). the following week in class he doesn't say anything about missing class the week prior not apology or anything. i don't need to know specifics but give me a break.

look at the i am heated up already and i haven't even been to class... 34 days 'till graduation and only 4 monre weeks of class! oh i can't wait ... oh i am so nervous about finding a job and life after structure for 20 odd years of my life!

playing around...

2005-11-12T00:40:00.000-06:00

so i am jsut playng around trying ot upload pic's but this one is fun anyway. this is from when my friend jeffe' came to town and we took him to the harley plant on his birthday and then took a tour of miller... it was a great day.

Joining the club

2005-11-11T13:57:00.000-06:00

i can't believe i have joined the club. this is very unlike me and yet i feel this natural call to write down my feelings and thoughts and let people read them. i can't say why i feel so compelled to join the club of bloggers. maybe it is the sense of community and connectedness i felt as i stumbled upon a distant friends blog and was immediately connected to other distant friends blogs.
i am curious at this sense of connectedness over an electronic impersonal machine. it seems wierd to me that something so impersonal can bring about a feel of connectedness. i know we all long for connection with others but who would have ever thought it would come over machine and not through being intimately connected with others through social tangible interaction.

i just spell check my entry and it did not recognize the words blogger or blog how interesting something so intelligent and able to give people a sense of connectedness can not even recognize it's own name. makes me wonder again why i am doing this...