lately there has been much thought swirling through my head. in the past couple of weeks i have become grateful for the suffering and hard time in the past. i am able to look back and see so many lessons God has taught me through those times. granted they were not always easy or fun but i wouldn't trade them for anything.
i couldn't be where i am today without the past. do i wish it would have been easier or different? no, because the process of it all has made who i am today. as i sat and shared with a friend yesterday things came out of my mouth i didn't know where in my heart. not bad things but things i have learned through the past. if things were still the same i would have the same friends, be in the same routine of church, being doing jr. high (which was easier for me), and be no closer to the Lord. i would be stuck. i would being doing church as a means to follow Christ. we are not called to sit in a pew and absorb (although that is a part of it). as i had stated in an earlier blog, i was content to go to church, serve and have my 'family'(again that is a part of being a christian but there is so much more) it thought i got it. i had heard before that we need to go outside the walls of this building and reach the lost. i thought i was doing that, and in part i was but i didn't get it. i probably don't fully get it now.
following Christ is so much more than being a part of a church body. we think that being in the church and serving in the church is what it is about and if we are honest we would probably say we know there is more but it is risky out 'there'. i realize there is a need for us to be fed at some level church ministries are good. i am not saying all the ministry is outside the church but 25% should be within the walls and 75% should be outside the wall's to the lost, poor, and oppressed that is where Gods heart is.
i am falling more in love with a God who is risky and not safe, but still incredibly good, loving and detailed. this life i am living, the christian life as we like to call it, is not about being safe and secure, it is about listening and seeking God and being obedient.
i have stepped out on an endeavor that to many seems crazy, risky and maybe unwise. i understand that you may not understand yet but i pray that you too will fall head over heels in love with my God who does not call us to safety and security but to being Christ to people.
Wednesday, April 26
Friday, April 21
Entitlement
i have become fascinated lately with the idea of entitlement, especially in regards to youth. (don't get me wrong i am a fan of youth) lately i have come across more people in the 14-20 age group who feel they are entitled to something.
i waited on a group of 5 young men and a young girl on wednesday night. upon arriving at their table they began to yell drinks at me and then told me lat time they were here they received cold bread so they deserve more than normal this time. okay, i understand and will compensate you for the less than perfect service you received but there is a way to tell someone that. i was told they got more bread, it was not part of a discussion or offer i made to them. this interaction struck me right away. the words 'we deserve' resonate in my head still.
the other way i have encountered this has been at work also with fellow young employees, they feel their boss owes them something for the time put in. i was at this place at one time or another maybe not too long ago. we feel that because we come in a work we deserve something above and beyond our wages, that isn't good enough. i am not sure what they expect or even what i expected but we feel we are entitled to more because of various things in our heads. i am not saying that we shouldn't be treated fairly but what we expect is different.
when push comes to shove we deserve nothing. we were created to worship a perfect, holy, loving, forgiving, gracious and glorious GOD who loves us no matter what we do. we should be working to glorify his name and for his glory alone, not for all we think is entitled to us. this GOd who created and loves us also forgave us to allow us to come into his presence once agian. our hearts should be full of joy and gratitude. i understand that this concept goes far beyond simply working and is much harder to put into action than to write about it. i am at fault myself. i have just seen this concept put into play by young people in the work force. i think it is more prevelant in teens but i know we all think we deserve something even me.
i waited on a group of 5 young men and a young girl on wednesday night. upon arriving at their table they began to yell drinks at me and then told me lat time they were here they received cold bread so they deserve more than normal this time. okay, i understand and will compensate you for the less than perfect service you received but there is a way to tell someone that. i was told they got more bread, it was not part of a discussion or offer i made to them. this interaction struck me right away. the words 'we deserve' resonate in my head still.
the other way i have encountered this has been at work also with fellow young employees, they feel their boss owes them something for the time put in. i was at this place at one time or another maybe not too long ago. we feel that because we come in a work we deserve something above and beyond our wages, that isn't good enough. i am not sure what they expect or even what i expected but we feel we are entitled to more because of various things in our heads. i am not saying that we shouldn't be treated fairly but what we expect is different.
when push comes to shove we deserve nothing. we were created to worship a perfect, holy, loving, forgiving, gracious and glorious GOD who loves us no matter what we do. we should be working to glorify his name and for his glory alone, not for all we think is entitled to us. this GOd who created and loves us also forgave us to allow us to come into his presence once agian. our hearts should be full of joy and gratitude. i understand that this concept goes far beyond simply working and is much harder to put into action than to write about it. i am at fault myself. i have just seen this concept put into play by young people in the work force. i think it is more prevelant in teens but i know we all think we deserve something even me.
Friday, April 7
snow pant shorts
so, this post came to me about a week ago. i went to the hockey game with my small group and there was the most fascinating discovery.
SNOW PANT SHORTS!
i know believe my calling is to be a hockey player or ref. the players where knee length snow pant shorts and the refs where snow pants to ref in.
could a job be more glorious!! where snow pants all the time.
p.s. this is not the amazing thing God is doing in my life, but more a personal obsession!
SNOW PANT SHORTS!
i know believe my calling is to be a hockey player or ref. the players where knee length snow pant shorts and the refs where snow pants to ref in.
could a job be more glorious!! where snow pants all the time.
p.s. this is not the amazing thing God is doing in my life, but more a personal obsession!
Thursday, April 6
amazing
amazing things are happening in my life. i can't wait to post about them.
God is doing amazing things.
i am currently listening to the new passion 06 cd it came out on tuesday. if any one loves worship music it is an amazing cd.
God is doing amazing things.
i am currently listening to the new passion 06 cd it came out on tuesday. if any one loves worship music it is an amazing cd.
Friday, March 24
lent
i just listened to rob bell's message about lent. as a church they are celebrating lent as they look forward to the resurrection of Christ at Easter.
the first talk was about the temptation of Christ. when satan comes to Christ he attacks his identity. he says if you really are the Son of God then do this or do that. he puts the question of doubt in the face of Christ. satan does the same with us, are you really a child of God, i saw what you did. are you really adopted by Christ, you are not worhty to be called his. these are the lies i have lived with for my whole life, satan will continue to use them to tempt me. when we know who we are in Christ we can confidently refute his lies. i am working dilegently on being condifent in my identity in him alone.
in our humaness we set up a plans for God, Lord if you do this and this i will give you this and that or do this for you. we say God if you fix this mess and heal these people i will stay or serve you the rest of my life. when God doesn't comply with our requirements we conclude he is not a good God.
sometimes he does comply with our list and we can't accept his blessing. our list was something we thought would never happen and in it not happening we would have freedom to leave, yet in his answers we can't deny the fact he is working and we are called to a place we would rather not be. other times he doesn't answer and we suffer loss, pain, heartache and we equate the suffering again with a God who is not providing and not good. we are wrong. he is providing and he is good he is just working in a way that is far beyond our wildest dreams.
the first talk was about the temptation of Christ. when satan comes to Christ he attacks his identity. he says if you really are the Son of God then do this or do that. he puts the question of doubt in the face of Christ. satan does the same with us, are you really a child of God, i saw what you did. are you really adopted by Christ, you are not worhty to be called his. these are the lies i have lived with for my whole life, satan will continue to use them to tempt me. when we know who we are in Christ we can confidently refute his lies. i am working dilegently on being condifent in my identity in him alone.
in our humaness we set up a plans for God, Lord if you do this and this i will give you this and that or do this for you. we say God if you fix this mess and heal these people i will stay or serve you the rest of my life. when God doesn't comply with our requirements we conclude he is not a good God.
sometimes he does comply with our list and we can't accept his blessing. our list was something we thought would never happen and in it not happening we would have freedom to leave, yet in his answers we can't deny the fact he is working and we are called to a place we would rather not be. other times he doesn't answer and we suffer loss, pain, heartache and we equate the suffering again with a God who is not providing and not good. we are wrong. he is providing and he is good he is just working in a way that is far beyond our wildest dreams.
Tuesday, March 21
sifting
the majority of my time in the past year has been captured by sadness loss and longing. putting it into technical terms a little bit of depression and grieving over the loss of something i thought i would never get over.
i have been working through these thoughts and feelings over the past month or two, knowing that i would be coming face to face with people and a building that at one point meant so much to me. last week i had to go and sit in the parking lot of the building and work on a list i had made. the list was of things i had lost, people i am angry with and good things. as i sat there and did my homework i thought, it isn't hard to be here, because it is not about the building really, it is about the people. it made me sad to sit and look at the parking lot thinking of football games in the grass, time outside before the gathering, playing games with high school kids outside.
as i drove off it wasn't so sad anymore, i was okay. i knew that i would be back in a few days say good bye again. i cried the following day friday thinking of coming back and my thought was this is really it, the only reason i would have gone back is now leaving also. deep down there was a little hope that things would go back to 'normal' and i could go back. but i know that is not the case things were normal for a while before i knew better.
i went to camp this weekend for a young adult retreat. it was an incredible time. our speaker was very good and touched on a lot of points i needed to hear again and others also. he talked about going through hard times and not relying on your emotions but on the truths of scripture, something i know but have been struggling with a lot. it was convicting. saturday night i talked with a dear friend we chatted about how things were going as i worked through these thoughts and emotions and about the up coming event. i began to better understand why i was were i was. i know the moment my hope was striped and the next day i had to tell my jr. high students what was going on a little, i had to be 'strong/ together for them'. I am not saying i was fake but i had to hold it together then for the rest of the semester (a couple months). i proceeded to go right to camp for the summer where there is no time for grieving and sadness. while i was gone many people left and there were moving 'parties' and more farewells that could have been good for me to be a part of. upon coming home i went right to school and finished my degree. it was a little difficult but i filled my time with school work, two jobs and a relationship. no time again for grieving.
january came i had masked things over for so long that the numbness was so strong it disgusted me. emotions what are those, the only ones i felt were anger, sadness, and bitterness. it was repulsive, feelings of love, joy, and gratitude were no where in my life to be found, if they surfaced it was only for a moment. in talking to my friend on saturday night, she said it is like the death happened a long time ago and this week you will finally see the body in the casket. i knew this weekend would bring closure as it did. she also said, "over time it will not even be about the people that were there."
on sunday morning our the talk was on our identity in Christ out of Eph. 1:3-23. this has been a passage that has been nagging at my heart for the past couple of months. there have been moments when i long to memorize it, the yearning is even great now. as i sat and listened to chuck i began to realize that so much of who i was for so long was rooted in the building and the people. this is not to say that i was not rooted in God but not as much as i should have been. as i went to the final event on sunday night, there was a part of me that didn't want to go. but being there helped me to see that my ideal of church was not what it was and that even some of the people i missed where not who i had thought they were. this is not to say anything about these people really but all the relationships i was longing for so badly to have back, weren't really were it was at. i had placed people and events on a place in a place where they did not belong. you hear so often that people will fail you and that we shouldn't get to caught up in the event of church because that is not what God wants.
people are good God uses them and events are good God uses them but when they are on a higher pedestal than that of the Creator and savior of the world, it is sin.
i am not longer grieving the loss of a building and of people but of the sin that held me there for so long.
i have been working through these thoughts and feelings over the past month or two, knowing that i would be coming face to face with people and a building that at one point meant so much to me. last week i had to go and sit in the parking lot of the building and work on a list i had made. the list was of things i had lost, people i am angry with and good things. as i sat there and did my homework i thought, it isn't hard to be here, because it is not about the building really, it is about the people. it made me sad to sit and look at the parking lot thinking of football games in the grass, time outside before the gathering, playing games with high school kids outside.
as i drove off it wasn't so sad anymore, i was okay. i knew that i would be back in a few days say good bye again. i cried the following day friday thinking of coming back and my thought was this is really it, the only reason i would have gone back is now leaving also. deep down there was a little hope that things would go back to 'normal' and i could go back. but i know that is not the case things were normal for a while before i knew better.
i went to camp this weekend for a young adult retreat. it was an incredible time. our speaker was very good and touched on a lot of points i needed to hear again and others also. he talked about going through hard times and not relying on your emotions but on the truths of scripture, something i know but have been struggling with a lot. it was convicting. saturday night i talked with a dear friend we chatted about how things were going as i worked through these thoughts and emotions and about the up coming event. i began to better understand why i was were i was. i know the moment my hope was striped and the next day i had to tell my jr. high students what was going on a little, i had to be 'strong/ together for them'. I am not saying i was fake but i had to hold it together then for the rest of the semester (a couple months). i proceeded to go right to camp for the summer where there is no time for grieving and sadness. while i was gone many people left and there were moving 'parties' and more farewells that could have been good for me to be a part of. upon coming home i went right to school and finished my degree. it was a little difficult but i filled my time with school work, two jobs and a relationship. no time again for grieving.
january came i had masked things over for so long that the numbness was so strong it disgusted me. emotions what are those, the only ones i felt were anger, sadness, and bitterness. it was repulsive, feelings of love, joy, and gratitude were no where in my life to be found, if they surfaced it was only for a moment. in talking to my friend on saturday night, she said it is like the death happened a long time ago and this week you will finally see the body in the casket. i knew this weekend would bring closure as it did. she also said, "over time it will not even be about the people that were there."
on sunday morning our the talk was on our identity in Christ out of Eph. 1:3-23. this has been a passage that has been nagging at my heart for the past couple of months. there have been moments when i long to memorize it, the yearning is even great now. as i sat and listened to chuck i began to realize that so much of who i was for so long was rooted in the building and the people. this is not to say that i was not rooted in God but not as much as i should have been. as i went to the final event on sunday night, there was a part of me that didn't want to go. but being there helped me to see that my ideal of church was not what it was and that even some of the people i missed where not who i had thought they were. this is not to say anything about these people really but all the relationships i was longing for so badly to have back, weren't really were it was at. i had placed people and events on a place in a place where they did not belong. you hear so often that people will fail you and that we shouldn't get to caught up in the event of church because that is not what God wants.
people are good God uses them and events are good God uses them but when they are on a higher pedestal than that of the Creator and savior of the world, it is sin.
i am not longer grieving the loss of a building and of people but of the sin that held me there for so long.
Wednesday, March 8
wiseness from bm
so i picked up a book i purchased a couple months back and began reading it, believing god by beth moore. i know some of you out there have your own opinions of beth moore and her teaching style. well, her words have always struck deep in my heart.
i am not that far into the book but already a few things have hit me...
-faith is the only thing that will ever close the gap between our theology and our reality
-"consecrate yourselves, for tomorrow the Lord will do amazing things among you" (josh 3:5)
- the Lord said to moses, "speak to the israelites and say to them: "throughout the generations to come you are to make tassels on the corner of your garment with a blue cord on each tassel. you will have these tassels to look at and so you will remember all the commands of the Lord, that you may obey them and not prostitute yourselves by going after the lusts of your own hearts and eyes. then you will remember to obey all my commands and will be consecrates to your God. i am the LORD your God, who brought you out of egypt to be your God. i am the LORD your God." (num 15:37-41)
in this section she was talking about specifically wearing a blue ribbon to symbolize their commitment to the study, i thought this was interesting especially being lent and all. we are anxiously waiting for the coming of our king and the celebration of his death and resurrection which is remembered at easter. i am entertaining the idea of wearing a ribbon to remind me of this season and the celebration which allows me to live in God's grace for all eternity.
-she focuses on 5 truths throughout this study
i am not that far into the book but already a few things have hit me...
-faith is the only thing that will ever close the gap between our theology and our reality
-"consecrate yourselves, for tomorrow the Lord will do amazing things among you" (josh 3:5)
- the Lord said to moses, "speak to the israelites and say to them: "throughout the generations to come you are to make tassels on the corner of your garment with a blue cord on each tassel. you will have these tassels to look at and so you will remember all the commands of the Lord, that you may obey them and not prostitute yourselves by going after the lusts of your own hearts and eyes. then you will remember to obey all my commands and will be consecrates to your God. i am the LORD your God, who brought you out of egypt to be your God. i am the LORD your God." (num 15:37-41)
in this section she was talking about specifically wearing a blue ribbon to symbolize their commitment to the study, i thought this was interesting especially being lent and all. we are anxiously waiting for the coming of our king and the celebration of his death and resurrection which is remembered at easter. i am entertaining the idea of wearing a ribbon to remind me of this season and the celebration which allows me to live in God's grace for all eternity.
-she focuses on 5 truths throughout this study
God is who He says he is
God can do what he says he can do
I am who God says I am
I can do all things through Christ
God's word is alive and active in me
(i hate when the 4th one is taken out of context, but out of the context of phil. we really can do all things by the power of the holy spirit in us)
things is am crewing on lately
Wednesday, March 1
challenged
well, it has been a few days... more like a week.
i have been challenged to journal and that has taken up some of the time i used to spend blogging. it is a good thing, my journaling.
i have not had much to post on lately. it hasn't snowed again so the snow pants remain sad and lonely of my legs. but hopefully they will get a visit in a few weeks when we venture out to vcbc mid march. i just want a little snow their to go sledding or boom balling. i know some of you are hating right now but my snow pants are lonely.
life is going. progressing forward with glimpses of an end of some of the things i have been battling with in the past year.
i have been challenged to journal and that has taken up some of the time i used to spend blogging. it is a good thing, my journaling.
i have not had much to post on lately. it hasn't snowed again so the snow pants remain sad and lonely of my legs. but hopefully they will get a visit in a few weeks when we venture out to vcbc mid march. i just want a little snow their to go sledding or boom balling. i know some of you are hating right now but my snow pants are lonely.
life is going. progressing forward with glimpses of an end of some of the things i have been battling with in the past year.
p.s. it boggels my mind that the spell checked does not know the word blog or blogging.... yet that is what i am doing... hmmmm!
Wednesday, February 22
additional things i love
dawn and dusk
fire places
getting to know people
mountains
when i get to see the street lights go on or off
vast bodies of water
Sunday, February 19
heading the challenge
here it is it took a little bit but it was fun!
100 things i love from a to z...
asparagus
apprentice
brazil
bean bag chairs
being home alone
being surprised
blue cheese
blue like jazz
bubble bath
burt's bees
camp
cards
clean things
clearance racks
chocolate
coffee
community
cuddling
culture
discounts
diversity
dominos
down comforters
eating with people
extreme home make over
extreme home make over
family dinners
flying in airplanes
francine rivers
fresca
games
gap
glitter
growing
holidays
hospitality
history
humility
hwy 171 to vcbc
icy hot
ikea
ireland
jam on toast
Jesus Christ
junior high kids
keeping secrets
laptops
languages
laughter
learning
lotion
mark
moving forward
music
musicals
my nephew
new hair cut
night quill
obedience
order
oxygen
passion
people watching
pictures
pompom pals
prayer
puzzles
quotes
realness
rent
risks
saving money
scented candles
scrapbooking
showering
serving
sleeping
snow pants
sociology
steak
sudoku
sunlight
target
thai food
the pope
teaching
time with friends
traveling
touch lamps
tulips
universe
unity
warm bed
warm sandwiches
water
west wing
wicked
wine
wise counsel
zig zag parts
Thursday, February 16
snow...
so today i shoveled partly because my dad shouldn't be shoveling with his back, age and other conditions. especially not when he still has young blood living in the house. so i shoveled.
i guess it wasn't all because i didn't want my dad to hurt himself although this is true, i wanted to wear my snow pants.
i love my snow pants. i am not sure why other than the fact that when i wear them i feel minorly like a super hero, indestructible. for instance if someone were to see my shoveling and the fresh snow and want to push me over or tackle me while in my snow pants, i would be ok with that.
i have been in the house getting warm for the past twenty minutes and i still have me snow pants on because they are so comfortable also.
i guess it wasn't all because i didn't want my dad to hurt himself although this is true, i wanted to wear my snow pants.
i love my snow pants. i am not sure why other than the fact that when i wear them i feel minorly like a super hero, indestructible. for instance if someone were to see my shoveling and the fresh snow and want to push me over or tackle me while in my snow pants, i would be ok with that.
i have been in the house getting warm for the past twenty minutes and i still have me snow pants on because they are so comfortable also.
if you have seen me in action with my snow pants on, you understand it brings a smile to my face and a freedom in my movement.
sleding anyone... winter capture the flag wiht jr. high kids... broom ball...
snow pant woman.
Tuesday, February 7
End of the Spear
i went to go and see the movie End of the Spear. i am not really big on seeing movies in theaters for a variety of reasons, but i went to see this one. i went this evening with some people from my small group. it is a great movie. i will not rant and rave because i am sure someone out there has seen and things differently than i.
this movie was not highly advertised and unfortunately will probably only have a few more days in theaters before it moves to budget or out all together. it is about the miss to ecuador who were killed, jim elliot being one of them and their wives who went back to the tribe later and reached the people. this movie is highly thought provoking and emotional. it is one of those movies you might need to see again just to process.
some thoughts i walked away with are ...
...do i love christ enough to die for him?
...could i love someone who hurt me badly?
...who do i have a hard time trusting?
...what wrongs do i want to avenge?
...missions, millions of people have not heard the good news yet.
...i know i am ready for heaven but who in my life is not?
...where would i go for christ?
...obedience is hard!
...obedience is worth it, for the glory of God!
i would recommend seeing this movie either in it's last days in the theater or getting it on dvd/video when it comes out. it would be a great teaching lesson for youth, has amazing lessons and passion.
check it out at: www.endofthespear.com
this movie was not highly advertised and unfortunately will probably only have a few more days in theaters before it moves to budget or out all together. it is about the miss to ecuador who were killed, jim elliot being one of them and their wives who went back to the tribe later and reached the people. this movie is highly thought provoking and emotional. it is one of those movies you might need to see again just to process.
some thoughts i walked away with are ...
...do i love christ enough to die for him?
...could i love someone who hurt me badly?
...who do i have a hard time trusting?
...what wrongs do i want to avenge?
...missions, millions of people have not heard the good news yet.
...i know i am ready for heaven but who in my life is not?
...where would i go for christ?
...obedience is hard!
...obedience is worth it, for the glory of God!
i would recommend seeing this movie either in it's last days in the theater or getting it on dvd/video when it comes out. it would be a great teaching lesson for youth, has amazing lessons and passion.
check it out at: www.endofthespear.com
blurp
well, here is a short blurp...
this week is going better, not as rough as the one before or the one before that. i am working hard to take my thoughts captive and makes some moves forward in my life.
i am makes steps, i wouldn't say strides just yet, because a few of them are simply baby steps. but they are steps none the less.
my anxiety still gets the best of me at times but taking things moment by moment not thinking to far in the future helps. when the future is so unknown why go there right now.
meeting with friends who tell you that you are normal and still the same person deep down. when you feel as if you can't figure out who you are or which end is up... settles the heart ever so much!
this week is going better, not as rough as the one before or the one before that. i am working hard to take my thoughts captive and makes some moves forward in my life.
i am makes steps, i wouldn't say strides just yet, because a few of them are simply baby steps. but they are steps none the less.
my anxiety still gets the best of me at times but taking things moment by moment not thinking to far in the future helps. when the future is so unknown why go there right now.
meeting with friends who tell you that you are normal and still the same person deep down. when you feel as if you can't figure out who you are or which end is up... settles the heart ever so much!
Wednesday, February 1
soaking
so lately i have enjoyed soaking in the warm water of a bath with lots of bubbles. i just find that completely relaxing, the water splashing lightly on my sudoku puzzle book. ahhh... sweet peace.
the peace i have found more relaxing and lasting than a warm bubble bath is soaking in the word of God. i have had some sweet time lately. i have felt close too my heavenly father. last week was really rough and this week is better but still hard. not that my relationship with Christ is based on how i feel but the tingle you get when you hear him speak after a long time of silence (which may or may not have been his choice). in my case so much was blocking him.
my thoughts run like a freight train changing in an instant, some are quick and other drag on and haunt me. in the midst of the deception i do not even realize what is happening, i know something is wrong but i can't snap out of it. i am getting better at taking every thought captive and making it obedient to Christ, thinking on things that are true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, and praiseworthy. often my thoughts are self destructive and contain a very twisted version of truth. oh, how i get deceived so quickly.
on sunday, we talked in church on healing physically, spiritually and emotionally. it was a morning i did not even feel like getting out of bed. my covers were comfortable and i emotionally did not not feel like facing the day. i got up and got ready for church and spent sweet time in the car with my savior. the teaching i felt was for me, i held in the tears until he finished, he dismissed us and said if there were people who needed physical healing to come up to the sides and for spiritually healing to come on stage and for emotional healing to come down center. my body was paralyzed i couldn't get up but oh i wanted to, instead with my head in my hands i cried out to God. i can't do this anymore. you are the only one who can help me get better, sleeping more doesn't help, crying does not help, mark and ec can't fix me...but lord you can.
i want to get out of this funk. it is not fun but looking at where i am i realize that it is natural for me to be here. this doesn't give me permission to stay here but it is understandable after the past 7 months. loss of a family who was so dear to me, a summer of serving on less than empty, and graduating from college with nothing lined up. there is much in the air. my heart is healing and curious as to the next step.
when i come to the presence of the Lord i come into holiness, it can be nothing else. my faith can make me whole again. in these moments of weakness i am realizing i am not as strong as i think but Christ is strong. through grace alone can i fight my past and thoughts. when i hid in fear and stay where i am not called to be i dishonor God.
i know he is calling me to be whole again and i must make steps to get there in his grace.
the peace i have found more relaxing and lasting than a warm bubble bath is soaking in the word of God. i have had some sweet time lately. i have felt close too my heavenly father. last week was really rough and this week is better but still hard. not that my relationship with Christ is based on how i feel but the tingle you get when you hear him speak after a long time of silence (which may or may not have been his choice). in my case so much was blocking him.
my thoughts run like a freight train changing in an instant, some are quick and other drag on and haunt me. in the midst of the deception i do not even realize what is happening, i know something is wrong but i can't snap out of it. i am getting better at taking every thought captive and making it obedient to Christ, thinking on things that are true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, and praiseworthy. often my thoughts are self destructive and contain a very twisted version of truth. oh, how i get deceived so quickly.
on sunday, we talked in church on healing physically, spiritually and emotionally. it was a morning i did not even feel like getting out of bed. my covers were comfortable and i emotionally did not not feel like facing the day. i got up and got ready for church and spent sweet time in the car with my savior. the teaching i felt was for me, i held in the tears until he finished, he dismissed us and said if there were people who needed physical healing to come up to the sides and for spiritually healing to come on stage and for emotional healing to come down center. my body was paralyzed i couldn't get up but oh i wanted to, instead with my head in my hands i cried out to God. i can't do this anymore. you are the only one who can help me get better, sleeping more doesn't help, crying does not help, mark and ec can't fix me...but lord you can.
i want to get out of this funk. it is not fun but looking at where i am i realize that it is natural for me to be here. this doesn't give me permission to stay here but it is understandable after the past 7 months. loss of a family who was so dear to me, a summer of serving on less than empty, and graduating from college with nothing lined up. there is much in the air. my heart is healing and curious as to the next step.
when i come to the presence of the Lord i come into holiness, it can be nothing else. my faith can make me whole again. in these moments of weakness i am realizing i am not as strong as i think but Christ is strong. through grace alone can i fight my past and thoughts. when i hid in fear and stay where i am not called to be i dishonor God.
i know he is calling me to be whole again and i must make steps to get there in his grace.
Saturday, January 28
enjoyment additions
some more things that make me happy...
...soaking in the bathtub
...using the jets in the bathtub
... soaking 'till the water gets cool and your fingers and toes are raisin-esk
...writing blogs
...managing at outback so i don't have to worry about tips
...friends who come a visit
...a boyfriend who stops over for a moment to see how you are doing
...friends who can see things you need because you can't
...friends who pray for you
...knowing i have victory in Christ
...worship music
...itunes
...a clean room
...the house to myself
...my nephew
...two days off
...getting up early... yet still having slept in late
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...soaking in the bathtub
...using the jets in the bathtub
... soaking 'till the water gets cool and your fingers and toes are raisin-esk
...writing blogs
...managing at outback so i don't have to worry about tips
...friends who come a visit
...a boyfriend who stops over for a moment to see how you are doing
...friends who can see things you need because you can't
...friends who pray for you
...knowing i have victory in Christ
...worship music
...itunes
...a clean room
...the house to myself
...my nephew
...two days off
...getting up early... yet still having slept in late
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
Friday, January 27
emotional hypochondriac
well, lately my life has been a roller coaster. one day i am okay and another i am not. sometimes it doesn't even come and go from day to day, it is a moment by moment. i sit back and think this is not where i thought i would be. in some ways that is a good thing. i grade school when i answered the question where will you be in 10 years, i wasn't adding my faith into the equation. which i am very thankful for. but i thought i would be a teacher or do something with youth. i have but i am not doing it now.
people see me and tell me i don't look happy and others tell me they wish i could find something i can enjoy. or i read about something in a book and immediately i think that is me. i think i am unhappy because people tell me that. it may be valid but i feel as if i can't determine who i am. whatever people tell me, i am. i am trying to figure out what is wrong and where the roots lie but i can not. so, i feel like i grasp at everythign thinking this it is and i will try this to get rid of my bad feelings. like the person who reads about cancer and then they have that particular rare disease.
i know that things aren't great right now. i am really tired of feeling bad all the time and i want to change things. i am not sure how. except through prayer and humbling myself to get help whatever that means.
i talked to a friend today, she said she thought i was under a spiritual attack emotionally and mentally. i feel so out of control of my emotions. my thoughts get so crazy sometimes i can't snap out of it. we prayed for a while and i can't tell you the peace i felt. oh it was sweet. after i spend time in the word i feel so good as well. i can't get enough scripture lately. i want more and more. i need it.
i know that i will get better, i want to have joy again. i want to stop hurting the people i love. i want to be incontrol of my thoughts. i will be all of these things in time. it is a process and i need to be diligent in getting there.
oh i want to live in the joy of my salvation again.
people see me and tell me i don't look happy and others tell me they wish i could find something i can enjoy. or i read about something in a book and immediately i think that is me. i think i am unhappy because people tell me that. it may be valid but i feel as if i can't determine who i am. whatever people tell me, i am. i am trying to figure out what is wrong and where the roots lie but i can not. so, i feel like i grasp at everythign thinking this it is and i will try this to get rid of my bad feelings. like the person who reads about cancer and then they have that particular rare disease.
i know that things aren't great right now. i am really tired of feeling bad all the time and i want to change things. i am not sure how. except through prayer and humbling myself to get help whatever that means.
i talked to a friend today, she said she thought i was under a spiritual attack emotionally and mentally. i feel so out of control of my emotions. my thoughts get so crazy sometimes i can't snap out of it. we prayed for a while and i can't tell you the peace i felt. oh it was sweet. after i spend time in the word i feel so good as well. i can't get enough scripture lately. i want more and more. i need it.
i know that i will get better, i want to have joy again. i want to stop hurting the people i love. i want to be incontrol of my thoughts. i will be all of these things in time. it is a process and i need to be diligent in getting there.
oh i want to live in the joy of my salvation again.
Monday, January 23
enjoyment
there are something that bring great joy in my life...
today i am sitting at the kitchen table with my bible and the sun is streaming in... that is great joy...i really miss the sun when it is gone
the list goes on...
...tulips given out of love that are blossoming as there is 2 inches of snow outside my window
...being touched by the king's word
...spending a weekend at vcbc
...having a morning to sleep in until 10:30am
...getting to see dear people and hugging them after a long time of distance
...serving God
...learning about God's justice and righteousness
...coffee and cinnamon raisin toast
...new (pink) sweatpants
...seeing mark after a week
...sleeping in my own bed
...the sunlight
...tulips
...my jobs
...a shower
...new trident gum
...beginning to feel again
...being in control of my emotions for a whole weekend
...talking with old friends
...knowing i can trust in God's plan
...seeing mark smile
...bonsai trees (even though they are hard to grow :( )
...knowing that despite my lack of faith God is still working
...my future
...music
...so many things the list goes on and on
...can i say tulips and sunlight again
oh so much to be thankful for...enjoyment!
today i am sitting at the kitchen table with my bible and the sun is streaming in... that is great joy...i really miss the sun when it is gone
the list goes on...
...tulips given out of love that are blossoming as there is 2 inches of snow outside my window
...being touched by the king's word
...spending a weekend at vcbc
...having a morning to sleep in until 10:30am
...getting to see dear people and hugging them after a long time of distance
...serving God
...learning about God's justice and righteousness
...coffee and cinnamon raisin toast
...new (pink) sweatpants
...seeing mark after a week
...sleeping in my own bed
...the sunlight
...tulips
...my jobs
...a shower
...new trident gum
...beginning to feel again
...being in control of my emotions for a whole weekend
...talking with old friends
...knowing i can trust in God's plan
...seeing mark smile
...bonsai trees (even though they are hard to grow :( )
...knowing that despite my lack of faith God is still working
...my future
...music
...so many things the list goes on and on
...can i say tulips and sunlight again
oh so much to be thankful for...enjoyment!
Sunday, January 22
not even a hint.
wow so many things are going on and yet not all that much. i really didn't expect to feel this let down after college graduation. everyone asks the million dollar question, "now what?" and my answer is well i have two jobs and i am looking at things. there is a sense of loss which has been a theme in my life for the last 7 months. the lord gives and the lord takes away, blessed be the name of the lord.
i know he is making to into someone cool but the process right now is not jiving with me. i have been able to control my emotions a bit better lately, i am getting back to feeling happy. the winter really does things to me. i think i have that sadd thing, seasonal a------ disorder. but it is where you get down when the weather is bad.
i have been getting a lot out of the bible lately. i have been trying really hard to connect with my savior again and i feel a flicker of light for the first time in a long time that has been growing into a flame slowly over the last three weeks. that makes me feel better. god is good and in control with my best interests in mind.
the last thought that has been plaguing my mind lately is this... as a christian does anyone else find themselves laughing at things that aren't funny or rather shouldn't be funny? i mean things that are horribly inappropriate but not completely pure. these things for me are usually jokes of the sexual manner. they are funny sometimes hilarious in the worlds eyes, but christ calls us to have not even a hint of sexual immorality. i know what the right answer is we should watch it or part take in them... but a part of me seems that is too legalistic, not because i want to keep laughing at these things or want to devalue sex or people, but i feel like we need to keep a light heart without being in it. being in the world but not of it has a fine line that may be different for all. i am not saying this because i want to partake because i know my self and i know what not evena hint means for me and believe me i don't take it lightly but where is the line...?
okay enough rambling.
this is completely random. i could write forever, there is a lot on my mind but i think it is geeky to write 4+ blogs in one night.
i know he is making to into someone cool but the process right now is not jiving with me. i have been able to control my emotions a bit better lately, i am getting back to feeling happy. the winter really does things to me. i think i have that sadd thing, seasonal a------ disorder. but it is where you get down when the weather is bad.
i have been getting a lot out of the bible lately. i have been trying really hard to connect with my savior again and i feel a flicker of light for the first time in a long time that has been growing into a flame slowly over the last three weeks. that makes me feel better. god is good and in control with my best interests in mind.
the last thought that has been plaguing my mind lately is this... as a christian does anyone else find themselves laughing at things that aren't funny or rather shouldn't be funny? i mean things that are horribly inappropriate but not completely pure. these things for me are usually jokes of the sexual manner. they are funny sometimes hilarious in the worlds eyes, but christ calls us to have not even a hint of sexual immorality. i know what the right answer is we should watch it or part take in them... but a part of me seems that is too legalistic, not because i want to keep laughing at these things or want to devalue sex or people, but i feel like we need to keep a light heart without being in it. being in the world but not of it has a fine line that may be different for all. i am not saying this because i want to partake because i know my self and i know what not evena hint means for me and believe me i don't take it lightly but where is the line...?
okay enough rambling.
this is completely random. i could write forever, there is a lot on my mind but i think it is geeky to write 4+ blogs in one night.
Wednesday, January 11
kraut update
well, i have a sauerkraut update. if anyone wants some we got it. i am assuming it took longer than the 3-5 weeks from when i posted last. my dad canned it all right before i left for passion and now we are giving it out like it is our business.
krajcik kraut has a nice ring to it. i should talk to my dad about a family business.
i am looking forward to eating it. i am sad that i will be gone on the most popular day to eat sauerkraut st. patrick's day, but i am sure by march i will be krauted out.
p.s. when spell check see krajcik it thinks it should be graces... figure that one out! the spelling are so close.
krajcik kraut has a nice ring to it. i should talk to my dad about a family business.
i am looking forward to eating it. i am sad that i will be gone on the most popular day to eat sauerkraut st. patrick's day, but i am sure by march i will be krauted out.
p.s. when spell check see krajcik it thinks it should be graces... figure that one out! the spelling are so close.
Saturday, January 7
passion
well, i am home after travels for about two weeks. the first part was good and relaxing and the last part was healing and encouraging. from jan. 2nd through the 5th i was at passion '06 in nashville. mark and i went down with 13 other young adults from grace and came back with 14 (this was planned we had to pick one up at the airport). it was an incredible time of healing for me.
as i think upon the last year of my life, i can sum it into a few words: hurt, stretching, and questions. i have spent the majority of this past year questioning god. i began the year with indescribable feelings for a dear friend and i kind of am ending with indescribable feelings towards that same person, but wondering how i am so blessed in midst of the pain of the last year. in the midst of this relationship that happened to me i went through some difficult changes this past year which left me question Gods character, which by the way in unchanging. who am i to question.
i went to passion knowing that i was about to be kicked in the butt. monday night i cried throughout worship. being in a place so saturated by the presence of God atfer months of draught, i felt as if a wildfire was about to begin. i am glad for that. there were 18,000 total about 3,300 leaders and about 14,700 students from all over the world gather in one place from one purpose. with very gifted and passionate worship leaders and speakers who would have thought that college students could be so passionate about the one who created them.
over the days it got easier to worship my savior. it felt funny at first after being numb for so long, letting go of all of that was difficult. i discovered there is still hurt and i can't simply say i am better and that means i am, but i am getting there. i also sadly realized that i forgot the our God is a good God who loves me dearly and that he ordained the events of the last year to happen in order to mature and complete me into the woman he wants me to be. suffering is part of my life in Christ. i am happy to suffer because he suffered for me. my suffering is meant only to show his glory to other people.
i have to say i am sorry if i did not display his glory in the midst of my suffering. i forgot. that is no excuse to the creator of all but it is a start. i found answers to questions i had about why things happened. nothing that tells me how my pain will be used in the life of others but i know that he loves me and delights in me and that my suffering is not in vain it is to display his glory, because he is a big God and i am a small love of his life.
scripture tells us that our suffering is for his glory...
Rom 8:17
Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory.
Phil3:10-11
I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead.
In James 1:2-4 it says...
Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
as much as events of last year stunk i want more than anything to be the woman God created me to be and is making me into. on the end of my old email address there were two quotes, i never changed them becauseevery time i went to do it, they once again struck a cord with me.
God has the right to interrupt my life. He is Lord. When I accepted Him as Lord, I gave Him the right to help Himself to my life anytime He wants.
as i think upon the last year of my life, i can sum it into a few words: hurt, stretching, and questions. i have spent the majority of this past year questioning god. i began the year with indescribable feelings for a dear friend and i kind of am ending with indescribable feelings towards that same person, but wondering how i am so blessed in midst of the pain of the last year. in the midst of this relationship that happened to me i went through some difficult changes this past year which left me question Gods character, which by the way in unchanging. who am i to question.
i went to passion knowing that i was about to be kicked in the butt. monday night i cried throughout worship. being in a place so saturated by the presence of God atfer months of draught, i felt as if a wildfire was about to begin. i am glad for that. there were 18,000 total about 3,300 leaders and about 14,700 students from all over the world gather in one place from one purpose. with very gifted and passionate worship leaders and speakers who would have thought that college students could be so passionate about the one who created them.
over the days it got easier to worship my savior. it felt funny at first after being numb for so long, letting go of all of that was difficult. i discovered there is still hurt and i can't simply say i am better and that means i am, but i am getting there. i also sadly realized that i forgot the our God is a good God who loves me dearly and that he ordained the events of the last year to happen in order to mature and complete me into the woman he wants me to be. suffering is part of my life in Christ. i am happy to suffer because he suffered for me. my suffering is meant only to show his glory to other people.
i have to say i am sorry if i did not display his glory in the midst of my suffering. i forgot. that is no excuse to the creator of all but it is a start. i found answers to questions i had about why things happened. nothing that tells me how my pain will be used in the life of others but i know that he loves me and delights in me and that my suffering is not in vain it is to display his glory, because he is a big God and i am a small love of his life.
scripture tells us that our suffering is for his glory...
Rom 8:17
Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory.
Phil3:10-11
I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead.
In James 1:2-4 it says...
Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
as much as events of last year stunk i want more than anything to be the woman God created me to be and is making me into. on the end of my old email address there were two quotes, i never changed them becauseevery time i went to do it, they once again struck a cord with me.
God knows what He is doing with my life and yours, TRUST HIM. He is busy making you and I into people no one else has ever been before.
-Beth Moore
-Beth Moore
God has the right to interrupt my life. He is Lord. When I accepted Him as Lord, I gave Him the right to help Himself to my life anytime He wants.
-henry blackaby
this is my heart beat once again.
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