i just listened to rob bell's message about lent. as a church they are celebrating lent as they look forward to the resurrection of Christ at Easter.
the first talk was about the temptation of Christ. when satan comes to Christ he attacks his identity. he says if you really are the Son of God then do this or do that. he puts the question of doubt in the face of Christ. satan does the same with us, are you really a child of God, i saw what you did. are you really adopted by Christ, you are not worhty to be called his. these are the lies i have lived with for my whole life, satan will continue to use them to tempt me. when we know who we are in Christ we can confidently refute his lies. i am working dilegently on being condifent in my identity in him alone.
in our humaness we set up a plans for God, Lord if you do this and this i will give you this and that or do this for you. we say God if you fix this mess and heal these people i will stay or serve you the rest of my life. when God doesn't comply with our requirements we conclude he is not a good God.
sometimes he does comply with our list and we can't accept his blessing. our list was something we thought would never happen and in it not happening we would have freedom to leave, yet in his answers we can't deny the fact he is working and we are called to a place we would rather not be. other times he doesn't answer and we suffer loss, pain, heartache and we equate the suffering again with a God who is not providing and not good. we are wrong. he is providing and he is good he is just working in a way that is far beyond our wildest dreams.
Friday, March 24
Tuesday, March 21
sifting
the majority of my time in the past year has been captured by sadness loss and longing. putting it into technical terms a little bit of depression and grieving over the loss of something i thought i would never get over.
i have been working through these thoughts and feelings over the past month or two, knowing that i would be coming face to face with people and a building that at one point meant so much to me. last week i had to go and sit in the parking lot of the building and work on a list i had made. the list was of things i had lost, people i am angry with and good things. as i sat there and did my homework i thought, it isn't hard to be here, because it is not about the building really, it is about the people. it made me sad to sit and look at the parking lot thinking of football games in the grass, time outside before the gathering, playing games with high school kids outside.
as i drove off it wasn't so sad anymore, i was okay. i knew that i would be back in a few days say good bye again. i cried the following day friday thinking of coming back and my thought was this is really it, the only reason i would have gone back is now leaving also. deep down there was a little hope that things would go back to 'normal' and i could go back. but i know that is not the case things were normal for a while before i knew better.
i went to camp this weekend for a young adult retreat. it was an incredible time. our speaker was very good and touched on a lot of points i needed to hear again and others also. he talked about going through hard times and not relying on your emotions but on the truths of scripture, something i know but have been struggling with a lot. it was convicting. saturday night i talked with a dear friend we chatted about how things were going as i worked through these thoughts and emotions and about the up coming event. i began to better understand why i was were i was. i know the moment my hope was striped and the next day i had to tell my jr. high students what was going on a little, i had to be 'strong/ together for them'. I am not saying i was fake but i had to hold it together then for the rest of the semester (a couple months). i proceeded to go right to camp for the summer where there is no time for grieving and sadness. while i was gone many people left and there were moving 'parties' and more farewells that could have been good for me to be a part of. upon coming home i went right to school and finished my degree. it was a little difficult but i filled my time with school work, two jobs and a relationship. no time again for grieving.
january came i had masked things over for so long that the numbness was so strong it disgusted me. emotions what are those, the only ones i felt were anger, sadness, and bitterness. it was repulsive, feelings of love, joy, and gratitude were no where in my life to be found, if they surfaced it was only for a moment. in talking to my friend on saturday night, she said it is like the death happened a long time ago and this week you will finally see the body in the casket. i knew this weekend would bring closure as it did. she also said, "over time it will not even be about the people that were there."
on sunday morning our the talk was on our identity in Christ out of Eph. 1:3-23. this has been a passage that has been nagging at my heart for the past couple of months. there have been moments when i long to memorize it, the yearning is even great now. as i sat and listened to chuck i began to realize that so much of who i was for so long was rooted in the building and the people. this is not to say that i was not rooted in God but not as much as i should have been. as i went to the final event on sunday night, there was a part of me that didn't want to go. but being there helped me to see that my ideal of church was not what it was and that even some of the people i missed where not who i had thought they were. this is not to say anything about these people really but all the relationships i was longing for so badly to have back, weren't really were it was at. i had placed people and events on a place in a place where they did not belong. you hear so often that people will fail you and that we shouldn't get to caught up in the event of church because that is not what God wants.
people are good God uses them and events are good God uses them but when they are on a higher pedestal than that of the Creator and savior of the world, it is sin.
i am not longer grieving the loss of a building and of people but of the sin that held me there for so long.
i have been working through these thoughts and feelings over the past month or two, knowing that i would be coming face to face with people and a building that at one point meant so much to me. last week i had to go and sit in the parking lot of the building and work on a list i had made. the list was of things i had lost, people i am angry with and good things. as i sat there and did my homework i thought, it isn't hard to be here, because it is not about the building really, it is about the people. it made me sad to sit and look at the parking lot thinking of football games in the grass, time outside before the gathering, playing games with high school kids outside.
as i drove off it wasn't so sad anymore, i was okay. i knew that i would be back in a few days say good bye again. i cried the following day friday thinking of coming back and my thought was this is really it, the only reason i would have gone back is now leaving also. deep down there was a little hope that things would go back to 'normal' and i could go back. but i know that is not the case things were normal for a while before i knew better.
i went to camp this weekend for a young adult retreat. it was an incredible time. our speaker was very good and touched on a lot of points i needed to hear again and others also. he talked about going through hard times and not relying on your emotions but on the truths of scripture, something i know but have been struggling with a lot. it was convicting. saturday night i talked with a dear friend we chatted about how things were going as i worked through these thoughts and emotions and about the up coming event. i began to better understand why i was were i was. i know the moment my hope was striped and the next day i had to tell my jr. high students what was going on a little, i had to be 'strong/ together for them'. I am not saying i was fake but i had to hold it together then for the rest of the semester (a couple months). i proceeded to go right to camp for the summer where there is no time for grieving and sadness. while i was gone many people left and there were moving 'parties' and more farewells that could have been good for me to be a part of. upon coming home i went right to school and finished my degree. it was a little difficult but i filled my time with school work, two jobs and a relationship. no time again for grieving.
january came i had masked things over for so long that the numbness was so strong it disgusted me. emotions what are those, the only ones i felt were anger, sadness, and bitterness. it was repulsive, feelings of love, joy, and gratitude were no where in my life to be found, if they surfaced it was only for a moment. in talking to my friend on saturday night, she said it is like the death happened a long time ago and this week you will finally see the body in the casket. i knew this weekend would bring closure as it did. she also said, "over time it will not even be about the people that were there."
on sunday morning our the talk was on our identity in Christ out of Eph. 1:3-23. this has been a passage that has been nagging at my heart for the past couple of months. there have been moments when i long to memorize it, the yearning is even great now. as i sat and listened to chuck i began to realize that so much of who i was for so long was rooted in the building and the people. this is not to say that i was not rooted in God but not as much as i should have been. as i went to the final event on sunday night, there was a part of me that didn't want to go. but being there helped me to see that my ideal of church was not what it was and that even some of the people i missed where not who i had thought they were. this is not to say anything about these people really but all the relationships i was longing for so badly to have back, weren't really were it was at. i had placed people and events on a place in a place where they did not belong. you hear so often that people will fail you and that we shouldn't get to caught up in the event of church because that is not what God wants.
people are good God uses them and events are good God uses them but when they are on a higher pedestal than that of the Creator and savior of the world, it is sin.
i am not longer grieving the loss of a building and of people but of the sin that held me there for so long.
Wednesday, March 8
wiseness from bm
so i picked up a book i purchased a couple months back and began reading it, believing god by beth moore. i know some of you out there have your own opinions of beth moore and her teaching style. well, her words have always struck deep in my heart.
i am not that far into the book but already a few things have hit me...
-faith is the only thing that will ever close the gap between our theology and our reality
-"consecrate yourselves, for tomorrow the Lord will do amazing things among you" (josh 3:5)
- the Lord said to moses, "speak to the israelites and say to them: "throughout the generations to come you are to make tassels on the corner of your garment with a blue cord on each tassel. you will have these tassels to look at and so you will remember all the commands of the Lord, that you may obey them and not prostitute yourselves by going after the lusts of your own hearts and eyes. then you will remember to obey all my commands and will be consecrates to your God. i am the LORD your God, who brought you out of egypt to be your God. i am the LORD your God." (num 15:37-41)
in this section she was talking about specifically wearing a blue ribbon to symbolize their commitment to the study, i thought this was interesting especially being lent and all. we are anxiously waiting for the coming of our king and the celebration of his death and resurrection which is remembered at easter. i am entertaining the idea of wearing a ribbon to remind me of this season and the celebration which allows me to live in God's grace for all eternity.
-she focuses on 5 truths throughout this study
i am not that far into the book but already a few things have hit me...
-faith is the only thing that will ever close the gap between our theology and our reality
-"consecrate yourselves, for tomorrow the Lord will do amazing things among you" (josh 3:5)
- the Lord said to moses, "speak to the israelites and say to them: "throughout the generations to come you are to make tassels on the corner of your garment with a blue cord on each tassel. you will have these tassels to look at and so you will remember all the commands of the Lord, that you may obey them and not prostitute yourselves by going after the lusts of your own hearts and eyes. then you will remember to obey all my commands and will be consecrates to your God. i am the LORD your God, who brought you out of egypt to be your God. i am the LORD your God." (num 15:37-41)
in this section she was talking about specifically wearing a blue ribbon to symbolize their commitment to the study, i thought this was interesting especially being lent and all. we are anxiously waiting for the coming of our king and the celebration of his death and resurrection which is remembered at easter. i am entertaining the idea of wearing a ribbon to remind me of this season and the celebration which allows me to live in God's grace for all eternity.
-she focuses on 5 truths throughout this study
God is who He says he is
God can do what he says he can do
I am who God says I am
I can do all things through Christ
God's word is alive and active in me
(i hate when the 4th one is taken out of context, but out of the context of phil. we really can do all things by the power of the holy spirit in us)
things is am crewing on lately
Wednesday, March 1
challenged
well, it has been a few days... more like a week.
i have been challenged to journal and that has taken up some of the time i used to spend blogging. it is a good thing, my journaling.
i have not had much to post on lately. it hasn't snowed again so the snow pants remain sad and lonely of my legs. but hopefully they will get a visit in a few weeks when we venture out to vcbc mid march. i just want a little snow their to go sledding or boom balling. i know some of you are hating right now but my snow pants are lonely.
life is going. progressing forward with glimpses of an end of some of the things i have been battling with in the past year.
i have been challenged to journal and that has taken up some of the time i used to spend blogging. it is a good thing, my journaling.
i have not had much to post on lately. it hasn't snowed again so the snow pants remain sad and lonely of my legs. but hopefully they will get a visit in a few weeks when we venture out to vcbc mid march. i just want a little snow their to go sledding or boom balling. i know some of you are hating right now but my snow pants are lonely.
life is going. progressing forward with glimpses of an end of some of the things i have been battling with in the past year.
p.s. it boggels my mind that the spell checked does not know the word blog or blogging.... yet that is what i am doing... hmmmm!
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