Pleasantly surprised

so, i graduated from college last weekend. i personally am not exactly sure how i feel about this accomplishment just yet. i mean it is a great feat to achieve but when the question comes what is next, it kind of makes me want to cry. i have no idea. i think this is okay for now, i am sure i will find my way. this year has held a lot of loses for me, some good and healthy and others by default, graduation. the rest of these thoughts are for another day.

i was delightfully confused on Sunday while my boyfriend was in the midst of putting together, to the last detail, a surprise graduation a party for me. you see my parents didn't seem to make a big deal about my graduation i was a little saddened because everyone kept telling me what an accomplishment i have made and great job. and my family as wonderful as they are didn't say too much. their are so many other issues at hand here, it is probably not that they didn't notice or care they do have a lot going on. so, i didn't want to burden anyone with making them sit through a huge ceremony, i didn't really want to either. so, it was sunday i had been informed for about a week that i could come over to mark's after church but had to be gone from 5pm-7pm. i thought it highly weird as sunday is our day together.

5pm came around and michelle came to pick me up, so we could go and venture off together for 2 hours. i had some ideas in my head of why but i couldn't figure out what was going on. i thought mark was going to make me dinner but then when we went out to lunch at 3ish i thought it a little weird. that idea was tossed. i really didn't have too many thoughts. michelle and i were out and she was like what do you think is going on, so i told her some of my thoughts but all seemed a little odd. then she looks at me and says "do you think he is going to propose?" i began to freak out a little and was like michelle what do you know, did he talk to you? she didn't say to much else, i didn't think this was a good thought but could it really be?

we arrive back at mark's i had to take a bunch of bags up to his apartment and one of the handles broke, so i am struggling and michelle (who needs to get up to the party somehow) says "would you like me to help?" i said "no". i got the bag together enough so i could get upstairs. mark opened the door and i went in to find a group of my favorite people in the world.

it was a little overwhelming, as a surprise should be. it was really great i felt good about graduating for the first time. i felt special, l felt loved. not that those feelings aren't always there but when someone goes out of their way for you, when people drive an hour to be there for you after driving for 8 hours, i makes those feeling all the more enhanced.

he thought of every thing according to me, from aparagaus appetizer to the people he invited. i must say i have the most amazing boyfriend in the world!

some words

for 24 years i have been listening to christmas music. i mean it comes on non stop starting right after thanksgiving and continues. when you work in retail which i have for the last 10 years, your place of employment usually requires that chirstmas music is played continuously.

this year, i have tried harder to listen to the words, because i am like there has to be something here. and low and behold there are great jewels in the rough. as old as some songs are when you find these words in a song that suddenly mean so much i wait for songs to come on the radio now. the truth that is laced within so many songs is incredible. this season is so offensive to those who don't believe in Jesus Christ. The lyrics in most christmas songs are satans demise if people really listened.

a few that have hit me are...
the third verse of silent night

Silent night, holy night!
Son of God love's pure light.
Radiant beams from Thy holy face
With dawn of redeeming grace,
Jesus Lord, at Thy birth.
Jesus Lord, at Thy birth.

Jesus Lord at thy birth. WOW, i can't remember how many times i sang this song for christmas concerts in grade school or at church during advent. this line never had so much of an impact on me. that little babe wrapped in swaddling clothing was the Lord Jesus Christ who came into this world, for me and you! He was Lord at thy birth. makes you pause a moment.

the other song that has really stuck out this year is O, Holy night...

Till he appeared and the soul felt its worth.

Fall on your knees! Oh hear the angel voices!
Oh night divine! Oh night when Christ was born!
Oh night divine! Oh night! Oh night divine!

till he appeared and the soul felt it's worth, WOW that one makes you stop and think also. i often think of being on your knees as a humble state, i do no not find my self their as often as i should. People came and knelt at the crib to see Jesus Christ the babe, our Lord and savior. They recognized him as Christ the Lord, Emmanuel and we fail to do that with all that we have.

i hope that you have found some jewels in the rough this season within songs of the holiday or scripture that has been read and is so familiar take a moment to read it fresh. have a very merry Christmas!

done

i just completed my last paper of my undergraduate career. it has been a long one. i still have some proof reading to do but the meat is done and i am releaved.

thinking of happier times

I miss you guys so bad...one ot the best weekends of the year.
that was a great day... i can't wait 'till i see you again.
off to never never land wiht peter pan and the lost boys!
tomorrow has to be better...

sometimes my life makes me want to swear

every so often my life gets to that point where i just want to throw my hands in the air and ask how the **** did my life get like this.

i am in the midst of trying to finish my last semester of my undergrad and life is doing it's own thing. alanas keeps playing in my head, isn't it ironic don't you think. when you finally feel like you have made some progress and gotten over a few humps and healed from wounds that you received. and then you find your self 10 steps back and trying to regain your focus again.

i am convicted that these things come up for a reason but i ask god why right now. i was actually having a good day, can't there just be one, once and awhile. i was thinking one class down, paper turned in exam completed well, and two more 3-5 page papers due by next monday. i am in the clear. emotionally i am doing pretty well. definitely better than other days and then WHAM...

maybe it is just i am hit with the reality that is my life and the hurts that still exist, that i haven't fully recovered from. i am not sure. gosh the thoughts are flying. who am i to even question what god is doing? he is a good and sovereign god who loves me very much. sometimes it is really overwhelming.

this is a very depressing post i am sorry life has been hard lately. there are many things that are on my mind as i graduate and look for a job and think about moving out and trying to understand what has happened in my life in the past year the good and the bad. i think i should stop thinking. it is better to not worry, god tells me that i might go and give it a try. he is usually right.

life is definiately a roll coaster right now. i need to open my hands and enjoy the ride, going up and down makes my stomach a little queezy.

we have a winner

well yesterday was our annual cookie day. it was good. getting 6 girls in the kitchen is a good thing and a bad thing. we got a lot (i mean a LOT) of cookies made yesterday. i disappeared for moments at a time, because i felt simply in the way. it was overall really a good time. my grandma came over and i think we are finally getting some of her good old fashion cookies down pat. we copied her recipe's yesterday that felt funny, like she wasn't going to be around next year. she is a precious gem who has a lot of cooking knowledge that needs to get out.

after cookies we celebrated my mom's birthday so all the boys came over then. my brother nick and brother-in-law paul brought pizza and my nephew. mark came and john my other bro-in-law. and joe came home from snowboarding just in time. it was good. i was nervous about having mark there because the last couple of times has been awkward. this was the first time he was there just us, the other times it has been grandparents and friends or extended family. we are different around them. we ate with my sister anna (with whom i had a heart to heart about relationships a couple of weeks ago, we went out to coffee...a first) and her husband john. it was good for mark and i, i think. we found things to talk about which is a challenge for me with my siblings some times.

we sat around and opened my mom's presents. then we went wanted to take joe (my little bro.) to see narnia. but he was sore and decided to lay on his bed and play video games instead. so we went with anna and john instead, this was fun. i didn't think about how out there the movie is spiritually. i never got into the books as a youth. i am glad i didn't think about it because i probably would have shied away from taking them. we all really enjoyed the movie and john actually brought up the spiritual factor in the car on the way home we didn't get into it but it was cool to have him acknowledge it. it was a really good movie and an incredible telling of the gospel.

when i got home john was in the house laughing about all the similarities he saw between anna and i. mark did the same as i said good night to him. we laugh the same, we shiver the same, our noses get cold. it was really good and mark got to hear lots of stories about me growing up, i guess they had to come out at some point. better sooner rather than later. he still has a chance to run.

mark got to see a little different side to my family. it was good. and my family got to know him better too, a little! we have a winner. it was a good day.

encounter with kris

so the other day while i was working at the coffee shop i waited on the gentleman with a white bread and a belly that shook like a bowl full of jelly. i had a momentary thought that i was getting a large hot cocoa for kris kringle. maybe it was the fact that he got the trivia question or the day correct which was: in what holiday movie was the real santa on trial? you'd be surprised that people don't know what movie it is. but he did. and he had a soft gentle voice like santa should have and nice rosy cheeks that glowed when he smiled.

i know it is rediculous, because kris kringle isn't real but it was a thought. i seriously thought to myself i should be extra nice to him so he brings me more presents. oh dear me. i am sure i could go some where spiritual and deep with this but i am tired and my brain is not functioning. or as i told mark the other day, i have no thoughts in my head.

where have you run into kris kringle?

ho ho ho

off the hook or understanding

roses are red
violets are blue

earlier this week a dear friend had a horrible day at work. this bad day wasn't anything new, she is doing the best she can with the training she has received (which hasn't been much). she has taught herself many new tasks and is getting ojt (on the job training) everyday. things just continue to not work or go wrong i am positive it is not her fault. so many other people and issues effect this bad monday that happened.

i left her after work and felt horrible because their was nothing i could do. every girls loves flowers so i thought it would be nice to get her some. not just bring them into work the next day but delivery. i wanted her to feel special and appreciated. flowers are a no fail when it comes to girls.

they were delivered and beautiful as ever. she smiled in delight. i think it brightened her day.

as i left work the following day i was thinking about the event of getting the flowers and the dent they put in my wallet. a friend and i split the $$ but still they were not cheap. i thought to myself they are pretty now but in 5 days when they begin to wilt will they still be beautiful. to some they may still be beautiful and they will for any women be a symbol of care and remembrance.

i thought to myself, maybe the cost is what drives most men away from buying flowers for their loved one. i know a few men who do it often and their women love it. i know other men like my father who i have only witnessed it a few times. i have seen my mother buy flowers for herself more than he has bought them for her. it is not a big thing to them. i began to think what is so special about flowers? they die. why not get a gift that lasts, jewelry or handmade. but then i stopped my thoughts and said to myself, "katee how many times have you longed to get flowers." i can't tell you the number it is far too high. i have received them a few times and they add to the day. i remembered how special i felt on those occasions. i felt special. i felt cared about, adored, loved.

so maybe it is that guys think they are too expensive and they are. or maybe it is that they know they will die in a short time and not last like another gift they will give.

i am not saying guys are off the hook for giving flowers but i understand why they don't, i guess. there is a little more understanding from my end.

i am not going to fool you and tell you i don't want them because they are too expensive or because they will die. the way they make a girl feel is priceless and says you are loved, adored, appreciated, special, and one of my favorite people! every girl wants to be fought for and pursued ... some girls like flowers and most girls will take it anyway it comes!

being in charge

so, i have been front of the house managing for a couple of weeks now at outback. i have been with the company for almost years, i have been in every role thus far minus bartender which i don't want to do to. tonight was really bad, or should i say hard. our sunday customers are pretty bad the majority of them complain about their steaks even when to our chart and standard they are cooked properly. i understand everyone likes their medium a different way, but for what we say our medium is going to be (a bright pink center) that is exactly how it comes out. but on sundays people complain about it. so i had to cook up a bunch of steaks and recook a couple so as the foh manager i get to talk to each table about their food when i return it to their table after being fixed. most people are understanding.

so cook ups are one thing and then people complaining about their steaks is another. i had one woman who didn't want anything new but didn't want her steak and it was her birthday. she cried. her husband said it wouldn't keep them away it was just an off day for them and us. another of our regulars wanted new sirloins. can i just say that if you get a sirloin it is not the best quality cut of meat you can eat and their will be grissle in it. it is sirloin not filet. don't get a sirloin and expect it to be filet quality even at outback. we do have very good sirloins but don't complain about the grade of steak if you order the cheap one.

to top off all of these issues, i had a hostess who talked back. not many of you have ever seen me get talked back to or fight with a sibling, as you might imagine i can get a little fiesta. i didn't' t go off on her but i had to walk away about 6 or 7 times because she would contradict every thing i said. when i made a decision about where a party should be seated she told why it shouldn't or couldn't go there and do the opposite of what i said. she cut down her fellow hostess, who are new but are doing a great job, in front of them. i know i am called to love her in christ but she is a little e.r.g (extra grace required). at one point, after walking away to gain composure, i told her, "i hosted for 9 months i know how to do this job well, and i was trained as a manager i know what i am doing. i need you to listen to me and do what i say." she never smiles ever, and is only nice to customers when she wants to be. after i said this to her a customer walked in and she dismissed me and smiled 'happily' at the customer. i simply walked away again. and went to tend to other issues i had going on. she continued to do things her way and screw things up on top of the customer issues.

i did end up writing her up after talking to the manager above me. she is on her way out. their is something in my heart that makes it break for her. she is so unhappy with her life. i did part of her training and really liked her, she is about 6 months pregnant. living with her boyfriend who she doesn't work and she supports. i can't imagine she has any support from her family and i see the terror in her eyes about what her life has become. i am trying to be nice to her, i want to do something nice for her. i am pretty set that if she still works with us in a month of two that i will throw her a baby shower. i just wish she didn't make me so mad. if she wasn't pregnant i am pretty sure she would have been fired a month ago. i wish she would see that people care and are trying to help her.

oh how she needs to feel loved. i wish i could show her in a better way. it is hard to show love when you have to discipline. oh, my heart breaks tonight. may she see the light of christ in me, despite how she treats me.

holidays...my family

so, every holiday i get excited for the event. i some how think it is going to be different and we will have fun and make this great memory. most years/ events i am let down. i am not sure of the hype of these special days anymore.

this thanksgiving i woke at 7:59am in grand rapids, mi. i didn't set an alarm my body thankfully just woke up. i turned behind me to look out the window to see, snow, lots of snow. i got ready and got my things together to leave. i was nervous to drive home in the snow. by the time i was ready the snow had stopped falling for the most part or so i thought. i got my car loaded and mark got up and helped me clean off my car and explained the directions. i got in the car wishing with all my heart i didn't have to go home and i could go to detriot with him for the weekend.

i began driving found the gas station and the freeway just fine and the roads weren't really that bad. i hit some bad pockets of snow falling and blowing at the same time, leaving little to no visibility. i talked myself through them, literally. harry potter and his friends keep me company the whole way home.

i arrived at my sisters with time to spare. i relaxed a little and then the rest of my family began arriving. we ate at about 3:30pm. there were 16 people downstairs and 12 upstairs at her brother and sister-in-laws house. i helped get the table sat and food out. then i sat very quite at the table and ate. none of my siblings really talk to me much.

i think it is wierd these days. it has gotten better with my family as we are older now with the 16 years age gap between oldest and youngest. but since i became a christian life with my family has simply been wired. no one really knows what to talk to me about for fear that i will bible thump i think, but i have never been like that. i will talk about church and my faith a little, i'll bring it up randomly and i see people get uncomfortable so i stop. i am not one to get on the table and preach to them. it is not like that with my faith. they all walk on egg shells around me. i don't like it but i am not sure how to change it. they brought up mark and wondered where he is and why i drove to grand rapids for such a shor time, it is rediculous they tell me. i don't think the time was wasted at all. i tell them he is at home with his family. i really don't think my family likes him all that much. it bothers me a lot. i can't understand what they don't like. it is probably less dislike and more of the fact that they really don't know him. and also the fact that none of them have ever dated anyone who lives at any distance or that his/her family lives in another state or even a couple hours away. i am different in that way too.

my one sister and brother are both kind of into art, not that it draws people together but there is a common thread. i think more than anything it is the fact that he works at a church. they don't know what they can or can't say around him or if they'll offend simply by their lifestyles. it amazes me that how much the way i live simply is different and offensive to my family. i realize also that it is not really me but more so the holy spirit working in their lives and convicting them without me having to do much, except live a life affected by the cross. the choices i make are different and the way i live is different. i am still a part of the family and long to belong adn be friends with them.

i guess in the end it is not such a bad thing that i don't fit in just the way i want to.

11 gallons

11 gallons of free gasoline would be nice
11 gallons of water would be good for you over time
11 gallons of resling wine would be fabulous (of course no in one sitting)
11 gallons is a lot of any thing

11 gallons full of sauerkraut ...
... is healthy, tasty, and convenient according too the sauerkraut.com site
... is a cancer inhibitor, apparently if you eat enough on a regular basis it helps prevent cancer and is a good source of vitamins
... is helpful in preventing canker sores
... is used to treat chickens with the bird flu in seoul
... is in my basement!

yes, that is correct my father (a wonderful man) decided today to cut the 8 20lb. head of cabbage, he bought up north, to make sauerkraut. it is currently fermenting about 15 ft. from my bed. there is a wall dividing the sauerkraut and i as i sleep. the odor wafts about the house and i am surprised it is seeping out of the bricks of my house.

the good news is it will be done in just 4-5 weeks depending on the weather. if it stays between 70-75 degrees it will be finished fermenting in just 3-4 weeks and if it is between 65-55 degrees it will be 4-5 weeks.

i can tell you a few things, no one in our family or any of our friends are fearful of the bird flu any longer... sauerkraut will save us and secondly i am praying for warmer weather not just because i hate being cold but because the sauerkraut will be done faster.

learned something new today

bonsai trees...my new passion

so i went to the holiday folk fair today and who would have thought they would have bonsai trees there, but they did. it was actually a contest of sorts these trees were on display about 20 in total they ranged from 2 years to 40 years old and were the coolest plants i have ever seen. i want to grow them... he he he... christmas present hints... bonsai trees for katee.

i wanted to know how to grow them and what they are all about. so i visited some websites and found some information. they are mini trees i realzie with my lack of knowledge i am probably not labeling them correctly. i thought they were the coolest things i have seen in a long time i could have stood and looked at them all day seriously. some of the their leaves were chaning colors or falling off. one was a little forest with like 8 trees in the pot. one had roots that went over the top of a rock. incredible. some are 25 cm. tall and others grow to be as tall as one meter (3.33ft). you can plant them from seeds or from another tree, and then you prune and train the tree to grow in the desired shape. you can pinch off new growth and repot to keep it in the desired size and shape.

as i was searching for bonsai tree information i stumbled upon one site that sells bonsai trees so i checked them out, the cheapest was about $2,500 and the most expensive one was $10,000. the seed are only $4.95. what a lucrative buisness takes a long time to develop becasue these trees were older in years, but a good way to spend retirement if i start now. who cares about a 401k i got bonsai trees to sell!

check out http://www.bonsaisite.com/index.html

how does it happen ...

how does it happen that you can sit with 12-14 women for about an hour every week and feel like you don't know any thing about them. i have been struck lately by the thoughts of community and connectedness simply because i feel my life lacks it. it is not necessarily my fault it lacks connection but through some changes that were made in a place i belonged. i made the choice to leave so i do take responsibility but i also feel as if i stayed in this place it would not have been the same. so i chose to utilize another place to find some sort of connection, this group has a ridged schedule begin at 9:10am and end at 11:10am, in between these two hours is more scheduled time markers to begin other parts. at 10:17 the piano stops and the speaker begins. i am all for structure, but in a bible study this seems a bit odd to me. there is no room for the spirit to lead or connection to be made because the time spent together is driven by time dead lines.
i sat an wondered last week, as i sat alone in a pew waiting between the discussion time and the speaker, how many of the other 350 women attending feel the same way or do they like going here because they don't need to be open and get into the lives of others. i must stop for a moment a mention that i do know some people from the past that attend this study but have not made any new connections. it seems this way with all the women talking, they new each other before. there is no attempt to make new connections or get out of your comfort zone. i also realize as i write and rag on this organization that i have some responsibility to meet new people. i need to work on that.
jesus constantly went to different towns and places i am sure he had to meet people he didn't know. this may be a little different because he was god and knows us all already. but what if jesus in the flesh had a little anxiety about going up to the woman at the well and talking to her when he was not supposed to or telling her something she may not have wanted to hear. jesus constantly went out of his box of comfort to confront, love, and connect with all people. jesus was and is god, but he was also fully man and he can relate to all of our feelings and stresses because he has been their before. what if he wasn't obedient because he was scared? or he was restricted by someone keeping a ridged immovable schedule.
before i end i must point out that i understand why a few of these rules are in place within the organization, women like to talk and if you don't cut them off they might not stop, i know this first hand, also i do realize that there are over 100 different churches and faiths represented by the 350 women within this organization, they do not want us to get caught up in debating issues that make us stray from learning directly from scripture. i understand these rules based of these issues, it doesn't help me feel connected to the women i sit with and share things god is teaching me. it is great that we are bound by the blood of chirst despite our particular beliefs that might not be matters of first importance.
overall this bible study is good, i enjoy the teaching it helps me learn more right from scripture. i just wish it allowed for more personal connection with others. and i wish i could be as obedient as jesus in talking to others i don't know and might be risky to me!

a few days

okay so i have discovered that i am not that good at this. i can't find things too write about. there doesn't seem to be much floating around in my head these days to post about. i worked this morning at 5am it was okay then i came home and slept from 1:30 - 4:15pm which was way too long i didn't end up getting anything done and as i say that i sit here and write nothing on my blog. the irony of it all. i guess i am trying to get used to it maybe this will never be for me but i would never know that if i didn't give it a try right?

i have to go to class now...that is good i am sure i will have something to rant about after class this class always seems to set a fire under me about some issue because people in the class feel that there is so much injustice in the world and we are all out to make life so hard for the minorities. which i think is complete crap, i am not going to stand here and say that minorities have it easy or anything like that but not everyone is out to get you or cheat you. making change in a community and society is very difficult to do and when you stand and say poor me poor me nothing is going to change in that sense.

my prof. for this class is horrendous. i am glad for class evaluations this semester. he canceled class three weeks ago and didn't email or any thing so we all showed up to find out we didn't have to be there and we had a major paper due. i won't complain about the paper because it gave us an extra week to revise it (which i barely did). the following week in class he doesn't say anything about missing class the week prior not apology or anything. i don't need to know specifics but give me a break.

look at the i am heated up already and i haven't even been to class... 34 days 'till graduation and only 4 monre weeks of class! oh i can't wait ... oh i am so nervous about finding a job and life after structure for 20 odd years of my life!

playing around...

so i am jsut playng around trying ot upload pic's but this one is fun anyway. this is from when my friend jeffe' came to town and we took him to the harley plant on his birthday and then took a tour of miller... it was a great day.

Joining the club

i can't believe i have joined the club. this is very unlike me and yet i feel this natural call to write down my feelings and thoughts and let people read them. i can't say why i feel so compelled to join the club of bloggers. maybe it is the sense of community and connectedness i felt as i stumbled upon a distant friends blog and was immediately connected to other distant friends blogs.
i am curious at this sense of connectedness over an electronic impersonal machine. it seems wierd to me that something so impersonal can bring about a feel of connectedness. i know we all long for connection with others but who would have ever thought it would come over machine and not through being intimately connected with others through social tangible interaction.

i just spell check my entry and it did not recognize the words blogger or blog how interesting something so intelligent and able to give people a sense of connectedness can not even recognize it's own name. makes me wonder again why i am doing this...