some more things that make me happy...
...soaking in the bathtub
...using the jets in the bathtub
... soaking 'till the water gets cool and your fingers and toes are raisin-esk
...writing blogs
...managing at outback so i don't have to worry about tips
...friends who come a visit
...a boyfriend who stops over for a moment to see how you are doing
...friends who can see things you need because you can't
...friends who pray for you
...knowing i have victory in Christ
...worship music
...itunes
...a clean room
...the house to myself
...my nephew
...two days off
...getting up early... yet still having slept in late
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
Saturday, January 28
Friday, January 27
emotional hypochondriac
well, lately my life has been a roller coaster. one day i am okay and another i am not. sometimes it doesn't even come and go from day to day, it is a moment by moment. i sit back and think this is not where i thought i would be. in some ways that is a good thing. i grade school when i answered the question where will you be in 10 years, i wasn't adding my faith into the equation. which i am very thankful for. but i thought i would be a teacher or do something with youth. i have but i am not doing it now.
people see me and tell me i don't look happy and others tell me they wish i could find something i can enjoy. or i read about something in a book and immediately i think that is me. i think i am unhappy because people tell me that. it may be valid but i feel as if i can't determine who i am. whatever people tell me, i am. i am trying to figure out what is wrong and where the roots lie but i can not. so, i feel like i grasp at everythign thinking this it is and i will try this to get rid of my bad feelings. like the person who reads about cancer and then they have that particular rare disease.
i know that things aren't great right now. i am really tired of feeling bad all the time and i want to change things. i am not sure how. except through prayer and humbling myself to get help whatever that means.
i talked to a friend today, she said she thought i was under a spiritual attack emotionally and mentally. i feel so out of control of my emotions. my thoughts get so crazy sometimes i can't snap out of it. we prayed for a while and i can't tell you the peace i felt. oh it was sweet. after i spend time in the word i feel so good as well. i can't get enough scripture lately. i want more and more. i need it.
i know that i will get better, i want to have joy again. i want to stop hurting the people i love. i want to be incontrol of my thoughts. i will be all of these things in time. it is a process and i need to be diligent in getting there.
oh i want to live in the joy of my salvation again.
people see me and tell me i don't look happy and others tell me they wish i could find something i can enjoy. or i read about something in a book and immediately i think that is me. i think i am unhappy because people tell me that. it may be valid but i feel as if i can't determine who i am. whatever people tell me, i am. i am trying to figure out what is wrong and where the roots lie but i can not. so, i feel like i grasp at everythign thinking this it is and i will try this to get rid of my bad feelings. like the person who reads about cancer and then they have that particular rare disease.
i know that things aren't great right now. i am really tired of feeling bad all the time and i want to change things. i am not sure how. except through prayer and humbling myself to get help whatever that means.
i talked to a friend today, she said she thought i was under a spiritual attack emotionally and mentally. i feel so out of control of my emotions. my thoughts get so crazy sometimes i can't snap out of it. we prayed for a while and i can't tell you the peace i felt. oh it was sweet. after i spend time in the word i feel so good as well. i can't get enough scripture lately. i want more and more. i need it.
i know that i will get better, i want to have joy again. i want to stop hurting the people i love. i want to be incontrol of my thoughts. i will be all of these things in time. it is a process and i need to be diligent in getting there.
oh i want to live in the joy of my salvation again.
Monday, January 23
enjoyment
there are something that bring great joy in my life...
today i am sitting at the kitchen table with my bible and the sun is streaming in... that is great joy...i really miss the sun when it is gone
the list goes on...
...tulips given out of love that are blossoming as there is 2 inches of snow outside my window
...being touched by the king's word
...spending a weekend at vcbc
...having a morning to sleep in until 10:30am
...getting to see dear people and hugging them after a long time of distance
...serving God
...learning about God's justice and righteousness
...coffee and cinnamon raisin toast
...new (pink) sweatpants
...seeing mark after a week
...sleeping in my own bed
...the sunlight
...tulips
...my jobs
...a shower
...new trident gum
...beginning to feel again
...being in control of my emotions for a whole weekend
...talking with old friends
...knowing i can trust in God's plan
...seeing mark smile
...bonsai trees (even though they are hard to grow :( )
...knowing that despite my lack of faith God is still working
...my future
...music
...so many things the list goes on and on
...can i say tulips and sunlight again
oh so much to be thankful for...enjoyment!
today i am sitting at the kitchen table with my bible and the sun is streaming in... that is great joy...i really miss the sun when it is gone
the list goes on...
...tulips given out of love that are blossoming as there is 2 inches of snow outside my window
...being touched by the king's word
...spending a weekend at vcbc
...having a morning to sleep in until 10:30am
...getting to see dear people and hugging them after a long time of distance
...serving God
...learning about God's justice and righteousness
...coffee and cinnamon raisin toast
...new (pink) sweatpants
...seeing mark after a week
...sleeping in my own bed
...the sunlight
...tulips
...my jobs
...a shower
...new trident gum
...beginning to feel again
...being in control of my emotions for a whole weekend
...talking with old friends
...knowing i can trust in God's plan
...seeing mark smile
...bonsai trees (even though they are hard to grow :( )
...knowing that despite my lack of faith God is still working
...my future
...music
...so many things the list goes on and on
...can i say tulips and sunlight again
oh so much to be thankful for...enjoyment!
Sunday, January 22
not even a hint.
wow so many things are going on and yet not all that much. i really didn't expect to feel this let down after college graduation. everyone asks the million dollar question, "now what?" and my answer is well i have two jobs and i am looking at things. there is a sense of loss which has been a theme in my life for the last 7 months. the lord gives and the lord takes away, blessed be the name of the lord.
i know he is making to into someone cool but the process right now is not jiving with me. i have been able to control my emotions a bit better lately, i am getting back to feeling happy. the winter really does things to me. i think i have that sadd thing, seasonal a------ disorder. but it is where you get down when the weather is bad.
i have been getting a lot out of the bible lately. i have been trying really hard to connect with my savior again and i feel a flicker of light for the first time in a long time that has been growing into a flame slowly over the last three weeks. that makes me feel better. god is good and in control with my best interests in mind.
the last thought that has been plaguing my mind lately is this... as a christian does anyone else find themselves laughing at things that aren't funny or rather shouldn't be funny? i mean things that are horribly inappropriate but not completely pure. these things for me are usually jokes of the sexual manner. they are funny sometimes hilarious in the worlds eyes, but christ calls us to have not even a hint of sexual immorality. i know what the right answer is we should watch it or part take in them... but a part of me seems that is too legalistic, not because i want to keep laughing at these things or want to devalue sex or people, but i feel like we need to keep a light heart without being in it. being in the world but not of it has a fine line that may be different for all. i am not saying this because i want to partake because i know my self and i know what not evena hint means for me and believe me i don't take it lightly but where is the line...?
okay enough rambling.
this is completely random. i could write forever, there is a lot on my mind but i think it is geeky to write 4+ blogs in one night.
i know he is making to into someone cool but the process right now is not jiving with me. i have been able to control my emotions a bit better lately, i am getting back to feeling happy. the winter really does things to me. i think i have that sadd thing, seasonal a------ disorder. but it is where you get down when the weather is bad.
i have been getting a lot out of the bible lately. i have been trying really hard to connect with my savior again and i feel a flicker of light for the first time in a long time that has been growing into a flame slowly over the last three weeks. that makes me feel better. god is good and in control with my best interests in mind.
the last thought that has been plaguing my mind lately is this... as a christian does anyone else find themselves laughing at things that aren't funny or rather shouldn't be funny? i mean things that are horribly inappropriate but not completely pure. these things for me are usually jokes of the sexual manner. they are funny sometimes hilarious in the worlds eyes, but christ calls us to have not even a hint of sexual immorality. i know what the right answer is we should watch it or part take in them... but a part of me seems that is too legalistic, not because i want to keep laughing at these things or want to devalue sex or people, but i feel like we need to keep a light heart without being in it. being in the world but not of it has a fine line that may be different for all. i am not saying this because i want to partake because i know my self and i know what not evena hint means for me and believe me i don't take it lightly but where is the line...?
okay enough rambling.
this is completely random. i could write forever, there is a lot on my mind but i think it is geeky to write 4+ blogs in one night.
Wednesday, January 11
kraut update
well, i have a sauerkraut update. if anyone wants some we got it. i am assuming it took longer than the 3-5 weeks from when i posted last. my dad canned it all right before i left for passion and now we are giving it out like it is our business.
krajcik kraut has a nice ring to it. i should talk to my dad about a family business.
i am looking forward to eating it. i am sad that i will be gone on the most popular day to eat sauerkraut st. patrick's day, but i am sure by march i will be krauted out.
p.s. when spell check see krajcik it thinks it should be graces... figure that one out! the spelling are so close.
krajcik kraut has a nice ring to it. i should talk to my dad about a family business.
i am looking forward to eating it. i am sad that i will be gone on the most popular day to eat sauerkraut st. patrick's day, but i am sure by march i will be krauted out.
p.s. when spell check see krajcik it thinks it should be graces... figure that one out! the spelling are so close.
Saturday, January 7
passion
well, i am home after travels for about two weeks. the first part was good and relaxing and the last part was healing and encouraging. from jan. 2nd through the 5th i was at passion '06 in nashville. mark and i went down with 13 other young adults from grace and came back with 14 (this was planned we had to pick one up at the airport). it was an incredible time of healing for me.
as i think upon the last year of my life, i can sum it into a few words: hurt, stretching, and questions. i have spent the majority of this past year questioning god. i began the year with indescribable feelings for a dear friend and i kind of am ending with indescribable feelings towards that same person, but wondering how i am so blessed in midst of the pain of the last year. in the midst of this relationship that happened to me i went through some difficult changes this past year which left me question Gods character, which by the way in unchanging. who am i to question.
i went to passion knowing that i was about to be kicked in the butt. monday night i cried throughout worship. being in a place so saturated by the presence of God atfer months of draught, i felt as if a wildfire was about to begin. i am glad for that. there were 18,000 total about 3,300 leaders and about 14,700 students from all over the world gather in one place from one purpose. with very gifted and passionate worship leaders and speakers who would have thought that college students could be so passionate about the one who created them.
over the days it got easier to worship my savior. it felt funny at first after being numb for so long, letting go of all of that was difficult. i discovered there is still hurt and i can't simply say i am better and that means i am, but i am getting there. i also sadly realized that i forgot the our God is a good God who loves me dearly and that he ordained the events of the last year to happen in order to mature and complete me into the woman he wants me to be. suffering is part of my life in Christ. i am happy to suffer because he suffered for me. my suffering is meant only to show his glory to other people.
i have to say i am sorry if i did not display his glory in the midst of my suffering. i forgot. that is no excuse to the creator of all but it is a start. i found answers to questions i had about why things happened. nothing that tells me how my pain will be used in the life of others but i know that he loves me and delights in me and that my suffering is not in vain it is to display his glory, because he is a big God and i am a small love of his life.
scripture tells us that our suffering is for his glory...
Rom 8:17
Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory.
Phil3:10-11
I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead.
In James 1:2-4 it says...
Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
as much as events of last year stunk i want more than anything to be the woman God created me to be and is making me into. on the end of my old email address there were two quotes, i never changed them becauseevery time i went to do it, they once again struck a cord with me.
God has the right to interrupt my life. He is Lord. When I accepted Him as Lord, I gave Him the right to help Himself to my life anytime He wants.
as i think upon the last year of my life, i can sum it into a few words: hurt, stretching, and questions. i have spent the majority of this past year questioning god. i began the year with indescribable feelings for a dear friend and i kind of am ending with indescribable feelings towards that same person, but wondering how i am so blessed in midst of the pain of the last year. in the midst of this relationship that happened to me i went through some difficult changes this past year which left me question Gods character, which by the way in unchanging. who am i to question.
i went to passion knowing that i was about to be kicked in the butt. monday night i cried throughout worship. being in a place so saturated by the presence of God atfer months of draught, i felt as if a wildfire was about to begin. i am glad for that. there were 18,000 total about 3,300 leaders and about 14,700 students from all over the world gather in one place from one purpose. with very gifted and passionate worship leaders and speakers who would have thought that college students could be so passionate about the one who created them.
over the days it got easier to worship my savior. it felt funny at first after being numb for so long, letting go of all of that was difficult. i discovered there is still hurt and i can't simply say i am better and that means i am, but i am getting there. i also sadly realized that i forgot the our God is a good God who loves me dearly and that he ordained the events of the last year to happen in order to mature and complete me into the woman he wants me to be. suffering is part of my life in Christ. i am happy to suffer because he suffered for me. my suffering is meant only to show his glory to other people.
i have to say i am sorry if i did not display his glory in the midst of my suffering. i forgot. that is no excuse to the creator of all but it is a start. i found answers to questions i had about why things happened. nothing that tells me how my pain will be used in the life of others but i know that he loves me and delights in me and that my suffering is not in vain it is to display his glory, because he is a big God and i am a small love of his life.
scripture tells us that our suffering is for his glory...
Rom 8:17
Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory.
Phil3:10-11
I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead.
In James 1:2-4 it says...
Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
as much as events of last year stunk i want more than anything to be the woman God created me to be and is making me into. on the end of my old email address there were two quotes, i never changed them becauseevery time i went to do it, they once again struck a cord with me.
God knows what He is doing with my life and yours, TRUST HIM. He is busy making you and I into people no one else has ever been before.
-Beth Moore
-Beth Moore
God has the right to interrupt my life. He is Lord. When I accepted Him as Lord, I gave Him the right to help Himself to my life anytime He wants.
-henry blackaby
this is my heart beat once again.
updates
wow, it has been a great couple of weeks. i will try to be brief but so much has happened. no there is no ring, but other more amazing things are happening. i am entering this blog from my new laptop. which exciting. it is no apple, because my parents were purchasing it for me but it is a very nice hp special edition, with a remote control for watching dvd's. i haven't seen any apples with that feature yet.
i was able to spent a wonderful couple of days outside of detroit with mark and his family. it was a great time to enjoy one another and relax after a hectic couple of months. upon returning home mark had a small new year's eve gathering and then we were off again with 14 other young adults for an incredible time at passion '06 in nashville. an amazing time of worship, teaching and fellowship with 18,000 other college students. i will blog more about that in a moment it warrants it's own entry.
i am home and life continues on, i am gradually looking for a job but am also currently content at my 2 jobs. if something happens to catch my eye i will pursue it but am happy for now catching up on some $$ and saving. i enjoy both jobs so this should not be bad.
i am amazed at the way god works and gives us rest when we need it but shows us that life continues and he is good.
i was able to spent a wonderful couple of days outside of detroit with mark and his family. it was a great time to enjoy one another and relax after a hectic couple of months. upon returning home mark had a small new year's eve gathering and then we were off again with 14 other young adults for an incredible time at passion '06 in nashville. an amazing time of worship, teaching and fellowship with 18,000 other college students. i will blog more about that in a moment it warrants it's own entry.
i am home and life continues on, i am gradually looking for a job but am also currently content at my 2 jobs. if something happens to catch my eye i will pursue it but am happy for now catching up on some $$ and saving. i enjoy both jobs so this should not be bad.
i am amazed at the way god works and gives us rest when we need it but shows us that life continues and he is good.
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