emotional hypochondriac

well, lately my life has been a roller coaster. one day i am okay and another i am not. sometimes it doesn't even come and go from day to day, it is a moment by moment. i sit back and think this is not where i thought i would be. in some ways that is a good thing. i grade school when i answered the question where will you be in 10 years, i wasn't adding my faith into the equation. which i am very thankful for. but i thought i would be a teacher or do something with youth. i have but i am not doing it now.

people see me and tell me i don't look happy and others tell me they wish i could find something i can enjoy. or i read about something in a book and immediately i think that is me. i think i am unhappy because people tell me that. it may be valid but i feel as if i can't determine who i am. whatever people tell me, i am. i am trying to figure out what is wrong and where the roots lie but i can not. so, i feel like i grasp at everythign thinking this it is and i will try this to get rid of my bad feelings. like the person who reads about cancer and then they have that particular rare disease.

i know that things aren't great right now. i am really tired of feeling bad all the time and i want to change things. i am not sure how. except through prayer and humbling myself to get help whatever that means.

i talked to a friend today, she said she thought i was under a spiritual attack emotionally and mentally. i feel so out of control of my emotions. my thoughts get so crazy sometimes i can't snap out of it. we prayed for a while and i can't tell you the peace i felt. oh it was sweet. after i spend time in the word i feel so good as well. i can't get enough scripture lately. i want more and more. i need it.

i know that i will get better, i want to have joy again. i want to stop hurting the people i love. i want to be incontrol of my thoughts. i will be all of these things in time. it is a process and i need to be diligent in getting there.

oh i want to live in the joy of my salvation again.