What about the weather?

Lately, I have been super motivated to go for a walk; I have gone for about 5 now. They have been great. I have been feeling very good about myself physically and it is helping me process some things.

Today, the scenery was breath taking. I wasn’t walking along a beach on the ocean or in an incredible forest but along the beach walk in Racine. The sky was the deepest hue of blue and the water was never ending or so it seemed. As I was looking out on to the water the horizon seemed to bend up into the air. Normally on a clear day the horizon seems to drop of at the ‘end’. But as I studied it for a moment, I realized that it was the icky weather from yesterday, the drizzle and fog, drifting off to MI. As, I thought about that picture which sticks so clear in my mind, the water going on and the dark clouds so far in the distance, I began to think about my ‘storms’ as we so often refer to them in the Christian world. I wonder if my life looks like that with the most recent storms off in the distance, they are not over us but we can remember the feelings they brought up and the hurt they may have ensued, we, people can see them in the distance when they look at us. I had gone for a walk yesterday, by the end my eyes were watering from the wind, my ears hurt from the cold, my nose was running but I was sweating because of the workout I had just been through. As, I saw the clouds in the distance I remembered how horrible my walk yesterday was, it was less enjoyable even difficult at times fighting against the wind. The earth yesterday drab in color and weak in feeling because this heavy fog lay upon it, the distance was so close because the fog made it so. Today, my walk was uplifting and enjoyable. The earth seemed bright and strong; at moments my eyes seemed to capture breath taking views, so crisp and clear. The distance was unattainable because it went on forever it seemed.

The contrast to these pictures seems so different yet so familiar, because as I walked I thought about myself. My life is like the earth moving in and out of ‘storms.’ There are some people who are going through storms and can be like the picture today in the midst of there storms. There is a part of me that desires to be like them able to hold there head high and let there emotions be ones of joy in the midst of sorrow. The other side wonders if that can truly be. I have had my fair share of storms, some people are amazed at the amount, I have tried so hard to keep my head held high and walk through them. There are moments when I can do nothing but crawl my way along feeling for the side for some guidance. During these times I struggle desperately to have joy in the midst of pain. No matter what I have done I can not seem to be like the other people whom I long to be like, but I wonder if that is really what I am striving for. I am not judging but when really crappy things happen and you are all alone with God in your closet you don’t run around skipping so why do that when others are around. I am not saying that you should mop around like the fog (although I will admit I have done that) but there is a moments to be realistic and find the balance. In the moments of crawling and being alone in the closet there is freshness in being real with God about not understanding and hurting. It is in that honesty that you can feel the precious words of our Father touching those hurts and bringing clarity. I know there is a balance between the two; I am trying to find that more and more. People tell me and I know, I wear my heart on my sleeve, ‘When Katee isn’t happy ain’t nobody happy.’ It is like the song when you’re up you’re up and when you’re down you’re down, this is true, this is how I feel. I am either up or down there is not much middle ground, today I think I have found some middle ground.

I know that God has brought each one of these storms to my life and He has brought me through them making me stronger on the other side. I am not saying I want to change who I am but I am striving to hold on to the hope better in the midst of storms.