soaking

so lately i have enjoyed soaking in the warm water of a bath with lots of bubbles. i just find that completely relaxing, the water splashing lightly on my sudoku puzzle book. ahhh... sweet peace.

the peace i have found more relaxing and lasting than a warm bubble bath is soaking in the word of God. i have had some sweet time lately. i have felt close too my heavenly father. last week was really rough and this week is better but still hard. not that my relationship with Christ is based on how i feel but the tingle you get when you hear him speak after a long time of silence (which may or may not have been his choice). in my case so much was blocking him.

my thoughts run like a freight train changing in an instant, some are quick and other drag on and haunt me. in the midst of the deception i do not even realize what is happening, i know something is wrong but i can't snap out of it. i am getting better at taking every thought captive and making it obedient to Christ, thinking on things that are true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, and praiseworthy. often my thoughts are self destructive and contain a very twisted version of truth. oh, how i get deceived so quickly.

on sunday, we talked in church on healing physically, spiritually and emotionally. it was a morning i did not even feel like getting out of bed. my covers were comfortable and i emotionally did not not feel like facing the day. i got up and got ready for church and spent sweet time in the car with my savior. the teaching i felt was for me, i held in the tears until he finished, he dismissed us and said if there were people who needed physical healing to come up to the sides and for spiritually healing to come on stage and for emotional healing to come down center. my body was paralyzed i couldn't get up but oh i wanted to, instead with my head in my hands i cried out to God. i can't do this anymore. you are the only one who can help me get better, sleeping more doesn't help, crying does not help, mark and ec can't fix me...but lord you can.

i want to get out of this funk. it is not fun but looking at where i am i realize that it is natural for me to be here. this doesn't give me permission to stay here but it is understandable after the past 7 months. loss of a family who was so dear to me, a summer of serving on less than empty, and graduating from college with nothing lined up. there is much in the air. my heart is healing and curious as to the next step.

when i come to the presence of the Lord i come into holiness, it can be nothing else. my faith can make me whole again. in these moments of weakness i am realizing i am not as strong as i think but Christ is strong. through grace alone can i fight my past and thoughts. when i hid in fear and stay where i am not called to be i dishonor God.

i know he is calling me to be whole again and i must make steps to get there in his grace.