why must i be a turd

I just got home from grocery shopping. I have grown to hate grocery shopping, let alone any kind of spending money because it requires more faith and trust in God on my part. Each time is another surrender saying, "thank you for the provision, I am trusting you to do it again as you see fit." This week I received money from a church that had said they would support me. I was grateful but I was disappointed because it was not going to be my security as I thought. It was for not very much money, it helps greatly but it fully leaves in complete reliance on the Lord, which is what he wants. I am not sure how He is going to work through this money and I am trying not to assign it to bills that are off in the distance.

Back to getting home from grocery shopping, I didn't even want to shopping because it is so hard and frankly makes me a little grumpy. I wanted to stop to get coffee but I felt like it wouldn't be a wise use because it is seems frivolous. I realize that God wants me to enjoy things like coffee and going out to eat once and while, but I struggle with giving these things to myself when there are bigger things to take care of. I am learning to find the balance in it all. I cried on the way home from the grocery store because I had just spent money and I want a savings account that provides some security for random expenses and for buying a house, getting married, having kids, and traveling a bit. Some days it is this bad and others it is not an issue. I really just have to go and not think about the future. I called Mark on the way home; I was crying and feeling bad for myself. Being the girl that I am I was pissed I was upset which made me cry even more. Oh being a woman. It is more about trusting the Lord to know the desires of my heart and trusting in his timing than I am really upset about not having money. It is such a security blanket.

All of these thoughts are swirling in my head as I get home from the grocery store I just want to sleep it away but I know I must pray it away. I put away the groceries and chat with one of my roommates a little and then I went to check the mail. None of us usually get any mail but I just felt I should. About a week ago I received a random email from an old dear friend asking for my address because she wished to send me something. I didn't think much of it because my birthday was coming up soon and whatever. In the mail on Saturday were two pieces of mail both addressed to me and no junk mail. I came went into the apartment and began to open them. One was a birthday card with a check for $50, the other was a letter. I began to read the letter my heart began to swell with knowledge of my sinfulness as I finished the letter I was showered with grace and mercy by my father. The letter was from this old friend and it was a story of how God was working in her life this summer and how he was providing for her and in this speaking to her about providing for me as well. Enclosed was a check for $250. God is so faithful.

This act of obedience to the Lord encourages my heart so much because this is part of our vision for the inner city is young adults supporting young adults. We recognize the Lord will use anyone but this generation of young adults wants nothing more than to be a part of something great for the Lord not for their glory but because they love God so much differently than other generations. Her act of obedience also brings glory to God because it shows the depth of her commitment to him but also her trust because she doesn't have millions to give away or even thousands to be comfortable with but she does what he asks of her!


There is one children’s song that frequents my head it goes like this:
My God is so big, so strong and so mighty there is nothing my God can not do!
I am challenged as I even write it, do I really believe that all that time? Do I live it? I know I fail and am a turd some days but I am trying to be open and receptive to a God who loves me and who is so big, so strong and so mighty.