Praise God

I realize that what I am doing is different. This is not the first time I am making this statement. As I share my lifestyle, job and faith with people I always hope that the response will be different, that people will understand. I know that my lifestyle goes against the culture we are brought up as apart of in America. Mostly from Christians I hope that they will understand what I am doing and embrace it. I know I can’t expect that though. Don’t get me wrong there are people in my life that embrace what I am doing other than the people I work with. This has come up because just in the last few days as I have shared I have had more people try to fix my life. Try telling me what I should do to fix my financial situation and how I could be living ‘better’. Better always equals having a steadier, more consistent financial situation. I realize that I am part of this conversation also and I have a reasonability to share the ways God has provided and has been so faithful. Sometimes this doesn’t even work but I know I must be sharing in the miracles that God is doing. So let me share lest you think that my life is not as it should be…

About two months ago I received in the mail this flier for Curves for Women. It was a promotion to come in for 9 workouts over 3 weeks for 30 minuets each. Back about 8 months ago God told me that I needed to workout. I had tried a few things and nothing was working. I don’t think that I need to lose a lot of weight but more just be healthier. So, I signed up for this promotion, I really enjoyed it. Because I participated in promo my joining fee went from $159 to $29. Felt that God was opening the door for this because I went in the first place. I don’t normally do promo things. I lost about 4 lbs. over the three weeks. I was able to out on some pants that I hadn’t worn in awhile. One of my friends noticed and we began talking about Curves and she asked about the monthly rate and joining fee and how I was liking it. The following day was a hard day with family and she called to leave a message telling me she and another friend wanted to take me out to dinner and also that she wanted to pay for the year membership at Curves for me! Praise God. So I have been working out, I still really enjoy it and I feel better about myself. It is wonderful.

Another friend of mine also wanted to pay for my year membership, I shared with her that someone else already did it. She said well I know I am supposed to do something. A few days later she came back and told me she was going to pay for December rent.

This past Friday we were at our Directors house having dinner after shoveling and snow blowing the Lazarus House and their house. A funny noise was coming from the basement. Ron went down stairs and there was water all over, the water heater blew. They simply said, “God knew and has it covered.” Sunday evening friends were over and Ron joked about the water heater. As they were leaving the man asked what the deal was with the water heater. Ron shared and without hesitation the man said, “Go to Sears tomorrow and get the best they have and have them install it, bill me.” On Tuesday a brand new state of the art water heater was reinstalled into their house.

The ministry has been tight money wise, to the point of not being able to pay bills. Our board was starting to get worried. Yesterday we received $2800 for bills and current needs. Earlier in the week we received $240 also for bills and ministry needs. In a few days God provided for all the bills and then some!
This week someone also wrote me and shared they would be supporting me on a monthly basis. It was a letter out of the blue and ever so encouraging.

God doesn’t only provide financially!

God has provided about 100 people to adopt kids to buy them Christmas presents. Almost all the families were home to share this news with them. It was so encouraging to the families. We will have a Christmas party this Saturday to collect the lists and share the Christmas story with these kids and hopefully parents.

We are receiving Christmas dinners for some of our families.

Aside form the Wish Lists for kids we are also getting about 100 shoe boxes full of personal need items and a few presents.

One family we delivered a turkey to them at Thanksgiving. Over the summer a member of the family had a heart attack and then was recently laid off from work. As a family they made a decision to not celebrate Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner. They purchased a few presents and that was it. So, when we brought the turkey, it was a big deal they were so grateful. She shared the story and we found out that they weren’t going to have a Christmas tree either. We know someone who collects older artificial trees, ornaments, and lights. We called her and shared the need, on Tuesday she came and together some staff and she delivered it to this family. It was an amazing moment with the family! We plan to take one of the Christmas dinners to this family also.

God has been is so good.

Yet he (Abraham) did not waiver in unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith being fully persuaded that God will do what He had promised!
Rom 4:20-21

learning

I have been neglecting this blog space. I am sorry for those of you who look here regularly to see how to pray and know what is doing in my life. I mist admit that life has been hard lately and I have not been living as if God is as big as He is. There have been many many blessings despite my unbelief. It is not that I have walked away from God or anything. It is just that I am allowing my circumstances to affect me too much. When it seems like a never ending sea of hurt around me and things happen not as I want them too, I get down and I lose my joy. I want to be gracious in the midst of tough circumstances and not let m emotions get so out of control. I know that it is okay to have emotions but the emotion that comes out most is anger or frustration that things are not going as planned or God is not coming through like I want him too. I know that all these things are in my life to make me more like Christ in the end. I am trying to be more like Paul in Philippians. I know it is an over used scripture.

“I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength.” Phil 4:11-13

I have used this scripture much and I have been annoyed when it is taken out of context but it is the cry of my heart these days when so much is going on in life and it seems overwhelming and we want to fix things or see people not hurt anymore or truly rest in the knowledge of who God is and how big He is. I want also be like Abraham who had so much faith in God and His promises that His life showed it.

“Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised.” Rom 4:20-21

I want to be the type of person who in the midst of trials and hard moment’s people to see joy and faith in my life, not anger and sadness because things aren’t going my way. I want my faith in the promises of God to be the circumstance of life that my emotions follow.

PSALM 145
I will exalt you, my God the King;
I will praise your name for ever and ever.

Every day I will praise you
and extol your name for ever and ever.

Great is the LORD and most worthy of praise;
his greatness no one can fathom

One generation will commend your works to another;
they will tell of your mighty acts.

They will speak of the glorious splendor of your majesty,
and I will meditate on your wonderful works.

They will tell of the power of your awesome works,
and I will proclaim your great deeds.

They will celebrate your abundant goodness
and joyfully sing of your righteousness.

The LORD is gracious and compassionate;
slow to anger and rich in love.

The LORD is good to all;
he has compassion on all he has made.

All you have made will praise you, O LORD;
your saints will extol you.

They will tell of the glory of your kingdom
and speak of your might, so that all men may know
of your mighty acts and the glorious splendor of your kingdom.

Your kingdom is an everlasting kingdom,
and your dominion endures through all generations.

The LORD is faithful to all his promises
and loving toward all he has made.

The LORD upholds all those who fall
and lifts up all who are bowed down.

The eyes of all look to you,
and you give them their food at the proper time.

You open your hand and satisfy the desires of every living thing.

The LORD is righteous in all his ways
and loving toward all he has made.

The LORD is near to all who call on him,
to all who call on him in truth.

He fulfills the desires of those who fear him;
he hears their cry and saves them.

The LORD watches over all who love him,
but all the wicked he will destroy.

My mouth will speak in praise of the LORD.
Let every creature praise his holy name
for ever and ever.

breaking point

I am not sure how to start this post. I am coming to a breaking point. Life has been up and down lately. God has been teaching me so many things. Most of all He has been breaking me of the pride within myself. I grew up thinking that I could take care of myself, I could provide for myself, I could take care of myself and it’s all about me. I am so wrong in so many ways in this thinking. Growing up in a bigger family you fend for yourself some times because there are multiple people who need attention and care.

God has been working on me and the notion that I can do it by myself. He has brought me to a place where He has called me to fully rely on Him for all my needs, financial, emotional, and spiritually; to walk by faith. He calls us all to do that in different ways. I am sure some of you could point out other areas of pride in me but God is specifically working on this area right now.

I have been given many gifts in the past 5 months from many different people. I am so grateful for all the gifts given to me. It is nice to get gifts but when they come all the time and when they are your means of life it gets to be overwhelming, you being to feel like charity. This lilifestyles not easy but it is helping me learn to fully accept God’s grace. I remember reading in Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller about Grace: The Beggar’s Kingdom.

“It seemed wrong for me not to have to pay for my sin, not to feel guilty about it or kick myself around. More than that, grace did not seem like the thing I was looking for. It was too easy. I wanted to feel as though I earned my forgiveness, as though God and I were buddies doing favors for each other.” He continues on to tell a story about encountering a woman in a store using food stamps to pay for her food. He had thoughts of how she was feeling and how he viewed people in ‘need’. He came to the conclusion that, “I love giving to charity, but I don’t want to be charity. This is why I have so much trouble with grace.”

As I walk by faith it is not that I expect people to come along side me and give gifts or money to me. Asking for help is very hard, and humbling to say the least. God has been showing me his grace in more ways then by simply forgiving my sins but by bringing me to a point where I can’t do anything apart from his love, grace and provision. I have always been able to work for my wages and in my relationship with God I can not work to earn His love and grace because I already have it. I know that Miller was talking about sin but I think many of us can relate to these thoughts of being forgiven of your sins, but what if God’s grace seeped into other parts of your life besides your sin? God's grace is already there but what if we began to live like His grace wasn't just covering our sin but covering US.

I feel like these truths are natural for the normal Christian and I feel odd writing about it but I know that I am being broken and experiencing His grace and love on a new level today.

amazed

Last weekend, Thursday 'till Saturday we had 2 different youth groups in. The time we shared was amazing. We had more kids than we could have hoped for. It was a really good two days of wRap Kidz. We had 65ish on Thursday in the rain showers and 50ish on Friday in the cold. Friday morning we gave 20 different enough hats and gloves for everyone and a bundle of books. It was fun to see the kids wearing their new gear to play in the afternoon. We also did our first movie night on Thursday and it was a huge success. The weather was not on our side all day Thursday but we had about 30 kids come out in the rain to walk to the Lazarus House on Thursday night to watch Over the Hedge with us.

It was a really good couple of days I am so grateful these two youth leaders wanted to come for those couple of days. I believe it really encouraged the community after the events of the week before. It helped them see we are here for the long haul and a shooting isn't going to send us packing. God is so good!

all work and no play

A while back my friend Tory posted an email about getting to jump rope at work. I to have had that experience. All the girls laughed at my because I couldn't do it. But yesterday we showed up at work to help dig/move some dirt out in the front lawn. We took out part of our parking lot to make for more lawn play area. Some people are coming back to finish the project this weekend but we needed to clean up a little. We were marking tools to be used this weekend and we went in the basement of the Lazarus House (which is now being affectionately called 'The Department Store' because we have so much stored... many old old bikes, a variety of old broken or out dated unhook up able appliances... some were collected by Ron and are worth money and other things donated). I must rant for a moment totally off subject. Why do people feel they can donate broken and very out dated items to ministries. We are supposed to be giving out first fruit to God not our beat up worthless broken crap. This has been bothering me lately. I am not saying don't donate or only donate new things but please don't donate clearly crap things please take them to the dump yourself.

Just as I got distracted by my thoughts yesterday we got distracted by some scooters we found. There were 4 of them and there were 4 of us at work yesterday. Who gets scooter around their place of business and around the block. I do, I do! Here are some pictures for your enjoyment...
Don't be jealous because I have the coolest job ever!
The Boss and his wife (Ron and Donna)


Ron Scootering

culture shock

Every once and awhile I am struck again with culture shock. I have not traveled 1000 miles away but I have been sucked into the christian world and when I come too I have culture shock. This may seem odd as I work in the inner city and one would think that I am cultured enough. The temptation to live in a bubble is so attractive to me and be naive to this world is so comfortable.

I will share with you a couple of instances in this past week that have caused me much shock...

The first was last Wednesday evening. I was at Outback doing my one shift a week and a guy about my age made a horribly crass sexual joke to his girlfriend (both employees). He then proceeded to follow it by a hand motion he laughed and walked away as if it was nothing. She did too in a sense. The male wants to be a manager he has gone through some training for it. Throughout the course of the night he sat around and watched others working as if he was too good to do a particular job. Both of us managers who were on duty wrote comments in the book. But I was caught off guard that this is the world I live in were crude and crass joking is simply okay, where laziness is a part of life and entitlement is a given (I don't have to do x or y because I am above that).

The following day Thursday last week there was a shooting about 3 blocks from where I work and about a 1/2 mile form my house. Not only was there this murder at 6:45pm on a Thursday in late Oct. But there were about 6 or 7 other reports prior to the murder of gun shots both on the north and south side of Racine and a fire. There was so much activity we had to call in surrounding communities to help with police enforcement, even the state patrol. The fact that the shooting was so early in the evening on a Thursday night means that the fighting is not over and causes red flags. Most crimes like this happen later and on the weekends and summer is a hot time because it is warmer. This shooting has affected the community we work with because we all got comfortable because things were starting to get better and now we must be on guard again. We do not even know the ramifications of this murder yet. We are doing wRap Kidz this week because of teachers convention and people don't feel safe so kids may not be allowed to come.

Then yesterday I was watching Oprah, as I do once and awhile, she had amazing moms on the show the contrast between the women was jaw dropping. They were women form all over the world, one was from Alaska were the milk she buys is $7.49 a gallon because it has to be flown in daily. The cost of living is so high because of there location. Another women in Norway gets a year off for maturity leave and can be spilt between husband and wife, free health care for the child for the first 7 years, and 10 days each (husband and wife) paid to use if there child is sick a year. And spanking is illegal. Norway is rated the best place to live to raise a family. Then we moved to Africa on woman had 10 children and worked as a transporter she carried things for people she carried 2 item the day they followed her and she made 65 cents. And she carried 100 pounds of beans a couple miles and a mattress piece about 2 miles. She fed 10 children on her makings for the day. She has also managed to put her 4 oldest children through primary school about 25 cents a day! The contrast is more than I can comprehend.

I feel like there was another story or incident that had grabbed my attention over the last week but I can not think of it. It is not that I think these issues don't exist or am naive to what is going on. When there are so many different circumstances happening in such a short time, my heart began to feel so heavy. I just want to fly away some days...take me know Lord. But I know that He has sent us into this world to be a light in the darkness and a voice for the injustice for His glory alone.

I have given them your word and the world has hated them, for they are not of the world any more than I am of the world. My prayer is not that you take them out of the world but that you protect them from the evil one. They are not of the world, even as I am not of it. Sanctify them by the truth; your word is truth. As you sent me into the world, I have sent them into the world. For them I sanctify myself, that they too may be truly sanctified. "My prayer is not for them alone. I pray also for those who will believe in me through their message, that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you. May they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have sent me. I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be one as we are one: I in them and you in me. May they be brought to complete unity to let the world know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me. John 17:14-23

(good)Will's

I went to Wills this weekend. I found 2 pair of pants and 2 tops. Over all it was a good experience. I am still getting over the feeling of grossness about the clothing but I am getting there. Thanks for all who were an encouragement to me about going.

I really have not much else to say. On the ministry front, we have 2 groups coming in that is keeping me quite busy. I am coordinating them and the schedules and getting ready for what kind of training we need to do with them. I am also making much progress on the curriculum front, it is a lot of fun. Who knew writing curriculum would be fun, I feel like God is bringing together many experiences in 2 different camps and doing Jr. high. Some times in those places you are like what am I doing here and now I am like, "ah, I didn't realize I learned this at camp, but it is so useful now."

P.s. Sorry to those of you who had a heartattack from my last blog, as I was writing I couldn't help myself it was prefect.

found it!

Well I have found it, the place I am getting married. The place is a glass house in Plane, IL. Probably only in my dreams but that is where I am going to live for a moment.

So the story goes like this...
For my birthday a couple months ago Marks parents gave me $50. This money was to do something nice for Mark and I. I kind of forgot about it and a couple weeks later Mark says to me "where is that money from my parents?" "In the bank about to be spent on bills." I replied. We then got in the car and withdrew the money because he was like that money is for us. Then he told me he had a plan for the cash. I was like okay, I kind of wanted to get my hair done or something to be honest. But I was kind of excited about a surprise from my boyfriend.

He told me it had to do with fall leaves changing and it was 2.5 hours away, so it would be a day trip. Alright, we began to try to fit it into our schedules (this month is CRAZY), it was not working so we were going to let it go and if it worked it worked and if not, we have a lifetime to do this thing. Thursday Mark had a very bad day, He said I need a break maybe we could spend our $50 tomorrow. It was about 1:30pm in the afternoon and you needed to pre-register for tickets. He took care of all the details and it was a go.

He told he wanted 10 guess of where we were going. I had not clue, I couldn't even guess. In the morning he called and told me that we would be outside a little and inside a little and that my shoes would be on and off and he still wanted guess'. My only guess with the shoe clue was a special kind of Chuckie Cheese (because you take you shoes off to play). This is how clueless I was. I am okay with surprises Mark doesn't think so, but I like them they make me feel wonderful, special, and warm and fuzzy inside.

So we are off it is 8:50am Friday morning. Mark got directions and we still had to turn around a couple of times because when there are corn fields as far as you can see in all four directions, my internal compass is broken. We made it on time for our 12 noon tour. We pulled into a visitor center that looks like a white barnesk building, I still had no clue. I knew the name now but it didn't ring a bell, The Farnsworth House. We looked at books in the gift shop and I now knew the building we were going to tour and I was excited and Mark was ecstatic.

We walked along a path in the woods for about 6 minuets and then came to a clearing and there stood the most beautiful house ever!


A glass house! Oh my word it was so amazing. It stand 5'3'' off the ground because it is on a flood plane. There is a river right behind where this picture is taken. The grounds are beautiful as well. I had seen a picture of this house and thought it looked cool, but in person it is breath taking. Our tour guide was really good as well. We like to tour homes, most tour guides (docents) are kind of arrogant and stuffy. This guy was very casual and real and he acknowledged us, which is a first because we are usually the youngest by about 20+ years so no one talks to us. The house was designed by Mies van der Rohe for a single women. It was a weekend home very minimalistic. It is floor to ceiling glass walls, 22 panes in all. They are connected by white steal beams. As we are on the tour he is telling us about the house and different things and then he says and people can rent it out for weddings! My heart sank and I was like yup that's me, this is the place. And then Mark got down on... Just kidding!

It was a great day. We had a good time together. The house is breath taking. And the fall leaves make it even more remarkable.

This is a view from the back. It was a wonderful day.

One more detail, on the way home we still had $10 left from the day and we had a pumpkin carving bonfire to go to last night. So we stopped along the side of the road at this little pumpkin place and picked our own pumpkins. They were really nice ones too. We each got 2 pumpkins for $10. I will get more pictures up when we get them developed. Mark took a bunch of pictures of the house too. For more pictures of the house or information about it you can go to: http://www.farnsworthhouse.org/


pictures are from flickr.com

warfare

Today there were reports of N. Korea testing nuclear warfare. This weekend we as a staff experienced spiritual warfare. This is not the first time for this experience and it was not the worst but it made us take a look at it again. It was a good reminder that what we are doing is so much bigger than we are and that we are up against a spiritual battle.

We had a wRap Kidz buddiez event this weekend, our first of this season. We had a handful of buddiez there and the kids that came had a blast and had a ton of one on one attention which is amazing. We will not call this event a failure because of the warfare we experienced. We communicated to our buddiez the importance of their commitment and the details for this event. We were faced on Saturday hours before the event with questions of where we were meeting and some buddiez failed to bring lunch for their kids which was asked of them.

As we talked on Saturday and have had Sunday to cool down and think about our frustrations I know that some of what we experienced is because of the age of some buddiez, the result of volunteers, and some spiritual warfare. We realize that some of our buddiez are too young and the responsibility and the drama of high school can get in the way. We do also see the spiritual aspect of this being much greater. In this mentor program we see some troubled kids blossom and calm down and other kids become really serious about Christ. This is the way lives will be changed, we know that wRap Kidz is effective in reaching kids and turning the soil and planting seeds but it is in the one on one relationships that can only come from relationships like these that will truly cause the lives of these kids and eventually the community to change. This is the same with church activities and youth leaders pouring into kids or small groups.

Satan attacked in so many ways, we felt defeated as a staff (which we soon realized and were victorious in Christ), our buddiez were defeated through failed commitments, life distractions and circumstances, and the kids lost out big time. We again came back and concluded that we need to pray more. We communicated clearly and did as much as we could without holding hands, but we failed to pray enough for our volunteers and the kids.

We have groups coming in to serve in a few weeks we are so excited about them. One is a junior high group who has never been here before and are going to get there feet wet and the other is veteran senior high group who encourages us so much each time they come. We need to cover them in prayer for their hearts and the ways they will be serving. We can only be victorious in Christ and His power.

I guess as many of you ask how you can pray for me and us as a staff, this is how. We need prayer to not be defeated in the things God is asking us too and that the people God wants to serve and give to this ministry are not defeated in the things God is asking them to do.

You saved $9.20

These are my most favorite words to hear these days. Many adjustments have been made since living on my own. The best piece of mail I receive each week is the Pick n Save flyer. I love the 10 for $10 not that I ever would need 250 freezie pops but 25 are only a $1. Or 10 boxes of microwave popcorn, not that I wouldn’t love that. Mark has joked about getting the Sunday paper simply for the coupons. He has saved over the cost of the Sunday Journal Times when he has used coupons. Secretly I want it, too! And Wednesday are double coupons days at Pick n Save. $$$ Other deals at Pick n Save are pretty swell too, lots of BOGO’s on good things. My Shopping list for the most part is made up of BOGO’s or 10 for 10 deals.

I love this, lest you think I am suffering for having to work so diligently to save money. I don’t feel as if I am penny pinching, I am simply being practical and I feel wise with the money God blesses me with. I have made a commitment every time God blesses me with money I get something special for myself, something I wouldn’t normally buy. One time I got Claussen Pickles (these are my favorite) and this past week, after anonymously receiving $100 from someone, I purchased frozen single serve Cinnamon Rolls ready to eat in 60 seconds. I am excited about these.

My latest and greatest deal thus far was yesterday. In the weekly advertisement was 32oz. Tres`eme Shampoo for $1.89 each. What a steal! I got 2 shampoos and 2 conditioners for $7.95, I saved $9.20. Amazing. Earlier this summer in an attempt to save I went to Sam’s and got big bottles for $6 each, I thought I was saving. Yesterday I got twice as much for $4 cheaper. Jackpot!

I know these things seem silly and could maybe give me an ulcer, but I love it I feel so rich and privileged. I have said before that “I feel as if I live in a condo on the lake.” I don’t, but I love my apartment and truly feel it is a gift from God. I still sit in awe at how cheap it is for me and how beautiful and nice it is. You may not feel that way when you walk in my door, but I love it, love it, love it!

I have been praying lately that God would help me be okay with Goodwill and Rummage sales. Not that everything I wear or own should or will come from these places. It is not that I want to shop at Pottery Barn or Macy’s but I kind of think they are gross to be honest. I used to feel like it was like wearing someone else’s underwear. I have no idea what that is like but I can imagine it is GROSS. God is helping me be content with it being gross and He is helping me to be content with those means of getting clothing and ‘things’. I was always jealous of people who could say, “Goodwill $3.00” or “Rummage 50 cents”, and it was a nice leather jacket or cute pair of jeans. I know that God desires for me to treat myself once and a while, He is not into pity parties by any means. But being thrifty is being wise, too.

I asked my friend Michelle to go with me next time I have a little money and help me find the good things at Wills (aka Goodwill). I am getting excited about this adventure and I am still praying God would help me get over my grossness fetish.

A weekend

This past weekend God sent us away as staff. We had planned a retreat about a month ago, we wanted to go away but we felt like doors kept shutting on our options. We had a few different cabins, one with no shower, one was a trailer, others were too far away... none of these things were that bad but we wanted to be able to really meet with each other and with God and not have distractions of one another stench or being on top of each other with no space at all.

Thursday afternoon we met together to decide what to do about the weekend. We concluded we knew God wanted us together and it didn't matter where. My apartment was an option as my roommates were gone for the weekend and we had a few others, in the middle of the weekend Mark came up with the idea to go to Grand Rapids, MI and stay with a friend of ours who owned her own home and had a gracious heart. He called she said yes, and we got a van and in less than 24 hours from the phone call we were in GR.

We had an amazing weekend of becoming a family of siblings focusing on God as our father. We got to know each other very well, we rub up against each other good and bad. We began to understand what makes each other tick. We view each other as staff as sibling with no hierarchy. Ron does take the lead but we each are able to lead when we feel the Lord nudging us. It was the prefect weekend, we needed to get away we each had things that would have been distractions to the weekend had we stayed here, people, events, schoolwork and life.

On Saturday we spent a period of time getting with God. It was a time for me in which God brought many things together. I have been doing a couple different things in getting with God lately, going through the book of Romans through my bible study, John 15 with my small group and reading the book Irresistible Revolution. In my time God began by showing me how many things were distracting me at the moment and how I make distractions in life to avoid going deeper with Him and with people. As I began to quiet myself and seek Him, He was quick to reveal Himself to me. He took me to Psalm 41:13 "I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, 'Do not fear I will help you.'" In John 15 Jesus is talking about how we are friends of Him if we remain in the vine and how He chose us, we did not choose Him. He chose me to serve Him in the inner city by being Christ to these people and He has taken hold of my right hand and He is the one helping me every step of the way when I remain in His vine. I have nothing to fear when I am in His presence being obedient to what He has called me to do.

This thought was so simple to me at that moment, it was a huge reassurance of being in His will right now. As people say things to me (or us as a staff) like, have you found a job yet, are you happy with your choice, is everything turning out like you had hoped, are you sure about this, etc. The list goes on and on, these are things said to all of us by people we love and care about, not simply people we randomly meet. In those conversations Satan steps in and makes you doubt sometimes what God, who has created the universe to every last detail, has called each of us to do. And other times we are just hurt because these people don't trust our choices. We understand as a staff and I personally that what we are doing seems crazy to some (well most people). But God has called us to do something for Him, is it always easy NO, but the joy and heavenly rewards are incredible. I hesitate to make my walk with the Lord sound like it is peaches and cream all the time, the things He asks me to do are tough but the life of disobedience is tougher and heartbreaking!

learning

I have failed this week. I have been trying to post every Monday and well not so much this week. Finally 72 hours later I am getting around to it.
We had a great event this past Sunday. We did a wRap Kidz Sunday at a Church in Racine. We were church, we did church and God showed up. Steve (one of the other staff members) and I went out last Thursday afternoon to get permission slips, we signed up 33 kids to go and other people had some other kids they signed up I believe we ended up with about 50 kids in all. While we were out last Thursday we really saw the fruit of our ministry in the relationships we have built within this community over the last 4 months. Steve has been helping out with the ministry for a couple of years and came on staff last October. It was amazing to see the kids excitement when they come running out of the house or even across the street to greet us. The were so excited. Meeting some parents for the first time and some for the 20th was awesome also. We were able to tell the parents more about our ministry and how awesome their kids are.

On Sunday morning we went to pick up the kids and many of them showed up. We went out to the church and they sang some of the songs we taught them this summer and did the motions. There was more movement going on in that church than I have experienced in my whole Christian walk probably. We as staff shared about what God was doing through our ministry in the inner city. I was able to share some of my miracles that God has done in getting my bills paid. It was awesome there are a few other churches in Racine that would like us to come and do something like this in there church on a Sunday morning. We are excited about going.

Quick story in this whole process, I have gained a new appreciation for my friend Brandon. I was in charge of putting together the power point for the service with the songs and all. I spent hours putting 50+ slides together editing and aligning them with the music so the person would not have to go back and forth. The music we sang was is not 'normal' church music so the sound guy was not familiar with it. I got it to the church and got it on the computer there only to find out the font I used which I love, was not on that computer. I had to reformat all the slides so that the font fit on the slides. I had prayed earlier in the week as I was working on the slides that God would help me be okay if the slides didn't work out just perfect. He did. I have been witness to many a technical difficulty during a church service or youth group. Brandon usually did the power point for his talks and usually the worship for the evening or morning, I now know how much time it takes and the frusteration that could come from things not working.

We are going on a Staff Retreat this weekend. It should be good, I am looking forward to spending time with them. We are going to a friends house in Grand Rapids, Mark has connections.

This is Steve:

Mixing it up

God has been teaching me a lot lately. It has been a wild ride with ups and downs. It has been hard some days. I have been blessed to be able to make up my own job as I go along and really more so as God reveals His plan for me and my ministry in the inner city. This is incredible but it is a HUGE responsibility to be listening for God and then moving on what He wants. I have struggled the last couple of weeks with what it should look like. You think about Family Ministries or Women's Ministries and it means parenting classes, scrap booking, bible studies, fitness classes you name it. While some of that will work at some point in the inner city that is not where God wants it to go right now, that would fill no need in the 'hood.

I have battled with this all summer trying to figure out what my ministry should look like. And thinking about what other people think my ministry should look. Oh man that is a bad place to be when you are trying to follow what God wants. The conflict that comes it not good, I should have never let Satan take me to those thoughts. There where many other things going on as well, I watch my roommates work hard, one has two jobs and school and another is a first year teacher. Needless to say they are never home and work while they are here. I sit an compare myself to them, NOT good either. I am striking out all over. When I don't have to go to work until 9 or 10 and they have been up and out for 3 hours at that point. But then I fail to remember my working at nights or on the weekend. The feelings of 'I am not doing enough' and then God says to me, "Compared to who are you no doing enough. You are fine."

I have many past experiences that God wants to use within this ministry from camping ministry to Junior High Ministry to being on a Ministry Team. In times I feel as if I am stepping on toes with what God wants me to do because it falls in someone elses area or it doesn't really fit into Family Ministries. Last week after a night of uncertainty and brokenness I spent some good time with the Lord. He simply said to me, "It is not going to look like anything you can imagine or put together," and at another point He said, "Stop trying to live the life I have called you to and just live the truth you know." Two powerful things. I was broken realizing what what i was doing. Then the clarity came and He showed me more areas where He was stretching me and where I needed to let go.

I love my planner, I mean LOVE it. I live by it. I opened at a recent staff meeting and the month of September had about 3 events written on it. My thought was, "I am a bum, I don't have any thing going on." I am so bad with my planner that I would go in and write events that have already happened on dates so that at the end of the month I feel as if I have been productive and I am popular with social events. Because my month is packed. Oh it is disgusting. In my new job nothing is planned very much in advance and some social events are also staff meetings or time together. I am still working through these thoughts of a full schedule means success. I am learning and God is teaching me in it how to live within His planner because it is more balanced.

I have met with Ron and Donna and we talked about the direction of my ministry in particular and I am so excited now and before I know it I will need to use a planner to make sure I have enough downtime because I will be busy before I know it. Part of family ministries is working with volunteers who want to come in and serve. My ministry is the bridge that equips people to connect to inner city families. We don't want or have work for all people who come in to serve on our building we want them to go into the home of a family and truly be Christ to them. My ministry will be the connection for this as I know the families in the 'hood. This is just one aspect of my job.

One area I really feel God calling me to is to write a curriculum for our wRap Kidz program. I felt like I was stepping on toes with our wRap Kidz director. But with the experiences God has blessed me with I know I am supposed to be working on it. I want to work with Katy and we will work together but we need to create an outline of a program so we are more free with work with in on a daily basis next summer. I am so excited for this. I have many ideas and can't wait to get the ball rolling. This is what I will be spending the majority of my time on for the next couple weeks. Then as things begin to pick-up it will already be in the works.

God has really been mixing it up lately. But I like it, sometimes the beaters hurt but the faster you learn the quick you can become more of what He is creating me to be.

Affirmation

Most days I wake up and I can't believe that I am so blessed to get to do what I do. Most people have to take off work or rearrange schedules to get to serve in the inner city, yet God has called me to this place for what the world sees as a 'job', how I make my living. But this gets to be my lifestyle. I just can't fathom it. Why me? I look at some stupid things I do, my sin and I compare myself to other people and think my faith is not even close to where it should be. But where exactly is that? I am comparing it to a friend, co-worker, or maybe some one I admire, these people are not the ones I should be comparing myself to. I can only ask one person one question, God. He always smiles down and says, "Sweet Daughter, you are right where I want you," or "Beloved, you are on the right track." These are things he has shared with me in my moments of question and disbelief.

Some of these moments of doubts comes with the close of the summer. My job falls more on my shoulders, I begin to really direct its steps with the guidance of the Lord. I have been scared. It requires so much more vulnerability on my part. Putting myself out there trying to connect with women in the community, by doing home visits. These make me nervous because I will go door to door with some of the women whom I have made relationships with this past summer. God will provided all that I need but in preparation I think of conversation starters and planning the conversation. I worry and am distracted over the little things. I know that it will be as rewarding as the summer.

God has been encouraging my heart in other ways as well. Our last event for the summer and in some ways first big event for the community was a huge success because God showed up. He brought the people he wanted there. We held an event in conjunction with the Starving Jesus tour. In the afternoon we had a picnic lunch and games for the wRap Kidz. This was awesome. The kids had not seen many of us in about two weeks, so let's say they were pumped! It was incredible to see them come running in looking for their favorite intern or staff member. The hugs were tight and long last Tuesday. The kids had a blast. We had a break and a transition time to get ready for a coffee house in the evening for young adults. Craig Gross and J.R. Mahon came for the evening part and spoke about not being chained to a pew and getting out into the community. God used this message to convict some and for us as staff He strongly encouraged our hearts by showing us we weren't alone. These guys are doing a 40 city tour sharing this message. We had a coffee house then were people could meander around to 3 different rooms for prayer, worship or fellowship. People stayed and hung out and really fellowshiped. It was awesome to see. We had about 60 - 70 young adults there. The building was being used for what God wanted to do that night. It was great people have commented on how strong the spirit was in that building. When you work in a place everyday or you get used to that feeling you forget. I have prayed that I would still notice that feeling.

In preparation for the event Mark had been planning for months and I joined him full force about a week prior to the event. We worked hard, it was crazy how many details kept coming up. Both of us have worked in a church before. I volunteered in a position and I didn't need much help because I didn't have many kids but I still know what it is like to put events on alone. Mark on the other hand has done many many events set-up and tear down alone. He has done some big events that way. He hates it. Last Monday that day before the event we had gotten 90% of the things we needed to decorate and such to the Lazarus House. I and another staff member had called our staff from the summer and they came with a few others on Monday for 4 hours and in the morning on Tuesday to set-up. It was amazing Mark was so blessed and blown away because he could actually run last minuet errands while we were setting up and he didn't have to do it all alone. We transformed the Lazarus House, it was awesome. The Lazarus House is a 1851 mansion with a 1912 addition and we are restoring it to the original time period. So, needless to say that process is timely and expensive. But the Lord is providing in that and is making it into a building that is beautiful in a neighbor that needs it. It is not near finished but it is functional and God helped us make it into a wonderful space for Tuesday.

It was a day of encouragement in from the planning to the clean-up.

(I know this blog is sort of all over the place, sorry)

Update

Sorry for the delay in updates I am not making excuses simply explaining: I went on vacation and my laptop went to the shop because my backlight kept going out.

But I am back and so is my laptop which is amazing. Oh, how I love my computer. I know I can live without it but I use it so much. I am jst getting my monies worth.

During the last week of wRap Kidz Mark had his fifth and sixth graders on their mission trip to the 'hood'. They work with this ministry and focus on one street and clean it up and play with the kids. I helped clean yards. One house we worked on is right next to Ron and Donna's (my boss'). I has been vacant for about 6 years not up for sale or rent. We are praying for it as a minstry. We hope to use it for staff housing in some fashion. Here are some pictures from before and after on the house I worked on.















I worked on this house with a group of 5 fifth and sixth graders who worked hard. We had a lot of work to do as you can see!

I am also going to post a picture of Jamel and I and some other kids so you can see the ones who have stole my heart!

why must i be a turd

I just got home from grocery shopping. I have grown to hate grocery shopping, let alone any kind of spending money because it requires more faith and trust in God on my part. Each time is another surrender saying, "thank you for the provision, I am trusting you to do it again as you see fit." This week I received money from a church that had said they would support me. I was grateful but I was disappointed because it was not going to be my security as I thought. It was for not very much money, it helps greatly but it fully leaves in complete reliance on the Lord, which is what he wants. I am not sure how He is going to work through this money and I am trying not to assign it to bills that are off in the distance.

Back to getting home from grocery shopping, I didn't even want to shopping because it is so hard and frankly makes me a little grumpy. I wanted to stop to get coffee but I felt like it wouldn't be a wise use because it is seems frivolous. I realize that God wants me to enjoy things like coffee and going out to eat once and while, but I struggle with giving these things to myself when there are bigger things to take care of. I am learning to find the balance in it all. I cried on the way home from the grocery store because I had just spent money and I want a savings account that provides some security for random expenses and for buying a house, getting married, having kids, and traveling a bit. Some days it is this bad and others it is not an issue. I really just have to go and not think about the future. I called Mark on the way home; I was crying and feeling bad for myself. Being the girl that I am I was pissed I was upset which made me cry even more. Oh being a woman. It is more about trusting the Lord to know the desires of my heart and trusting in his timing than I am really upset about not having money. It is such a security blanket.

All of these thoughts are swirling in my head as I get home from the grocery store I just want to sleep it away but I know I must pray it away. I put away the groceries and chat with one of my roommates a little and then I went to check the mail. None of us usually get any mail but I just felt I should. About a week ago I received a random email from an old dear friend asking for my address because she wished to send me something. I didn't think much of it because my birthday was coming up soon and whatever. In the mail on Saturday were two pieces of mail both addressed to me and no junk mail. I came went into the apartment and began to open them. One was a birthday card with a check for $50, the other was a letter. I began to read the letter my heart began to swell with knowledge of my sinfulness as I finished the letter I was showered with grace and mercy by my father. The letter was from this old friend and it was a story of how God was working in her life this summer and how he was providing for her and in this speaking to her about providing for me as well. Enclosed was a check for $250. God is so faithful.

This act of obedience to the Lord encourages my heart so much because this is part of our vision for the inner city is young adults supporting young adults. We recognize the Lord will use anyone but this generation of young adults wants nothing more than to be a part of something great for the Lord not for their glory but because they love God so much differently than other generations. Her act of obedience also brings glory to God because it shows the depth of her commitment to him but also her trust because she doesn't have millions to give away or even thousands to be comfortable with but she does what he asks of her!


There is one children’s song that frequents my head it goes like this:
My God is so big, so strong and so mighty there is nothing my God can not do!
I am challenged as I even write it, do I really believe that all that time? Do I live it? I know I fail and am a turd some days but I am trying to be open and receptive to a God who loves me and who is so big, so strong and so mighty.

my provision

i am not sure how to start this blog there is much i want to say and i want to be funny for some reason at 7:39am. i will refrain.

i was in this bible study this summer learning about jewish roots. it is a rich study, very rich! there is so much i have gained from the teaching. i believe it was our first night way back when. about 3 people showed up other than mark and i. i was a bit annoyed because of it and i was only there because i 'had' to be. i didn't have to go but i did. the lesson was on standing stones. the israelites used to erect these massive stones to mark a spot. they were not your normal stone they were almost rectangular in shape the would stand them on end so everyone could see them. they were stones that were not to be moved. each stone in each different location was a sign post of what God had done in that place. then each time someone would pass by it they could ask, "what is that for?" and the people could tell them what God had done.

i know that our lives should be standing stones so that when people encounter us they ask, "what is that ... (attitude, joy, hope, peace) for?" and we can share the relationship we have with Christ. i went home feeling like i would like to build my own little land and begin to put standing stones in it for each time God does something for me. i realize this is somewhat silly because God is constantly providing for my every need. but in some ways the things happening to me seem abnormal to the rest of the world. i know that this is how my life should be and 80% of the time (i will be honest here) i do not wish it were any other way. there are moments of selfishness, if there weren't i might be worried because that is not normal.

some of my recent standing stones are...
-back in april or may i received word that the church i attended would support me financially, God is still working on this one.
-God has provided the most amazing apartment and things to make it function and look like a really apartment and not a dorm room or sorts. i love where i live!
-God has spoke to people to pray for me
-God has provided all my needs according to his riches and glory.

he has provide my needs differently than i had expected. there is a group of people who have given me all of what i have right now. my small groups leaders gave me a check for $100 which was what i needed to finish paying my bills for July. the next week, about a month ago, I got up in the morning and there was an envelop for me. i thought this was odd because i had not given out my new address, only to my small group and the letter was from church. i began to open the envelop and out fell a bunch of gift cards. over $400. oh the tears came. last week i was at for membership classes which is a miracle in itself. and the person teaching it told me to bring my bills to them and they would pay them for the month of Aug. knowing i had a meeting the next night to find out how Grace would be supporting me financially. i still do not know about that.
then again just recently God spoke to them again, and they sent to me by special delivery another set of gift cards about$300.

God is so faithful. people get on me for not being really excited when these things happen. it is not that i am not excited, oh i am grateful. but it is one of the most humbling experiences thus far in my life. i look at who i am and my sin and i wonder why do you chose me God. i know the answer is that he loves me and Zeph. 3:17 says, "the Lord your God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves. He will take great delight in you; in his love he will no longer rebuke you, but will rejoice over you with singing." I know this is true because of these people. God takes delight in providing my needs, he loves it! each time his provision comes i am reminded that i can do nothing apart from him, he is my all. my job is to remain in him.

this space could be my standing stones garden. there are so many ways God has shown me who he is.

streets

the stories continue to be created everyday. i wish i could write them all down some are amazing and others break your heart. my friend jamel continues to steal my heart along with 4 other six year old boys. their hearts are so tender and hurt. jamel is on the far left with the light blue shirt on. isaiah is next to me in red and caleb is next to him.

caleb comes everyday, his big brother has been coming to wRap Kidz for years, and caleb is finally old enough to come. sometimes he makes it to bible story, sometimes snack and on a few days he makes it for the full two hours. we do send kids home if they are not participating because it affects all the kids. kids want to be here so they usually get sent home only once and then they are back for good. they do not want to go home.

isaiah is the youngest of 5 brothers and sisters. he is so cute, oh my word! the whole family is beautiful. i have made some really good connections with this family and the mom anesha. a church sent 3 of the older kids to VCBC for junior camp when mark spoke. it was a very stretching week for anesha having 3 of her babies in iowa for a week. but it was a good bonding time for her and i as i checked in on her. isaiah and caleb live across the street from each other they are best buds and worst enemies in the same day!

jamel, i have written a little about him before, but he is an amazing kid. jamel walks the streets almost all day long by himself, he is 6 years old. sometimes he has his bike and other times he is just walking in shoes we would have thrown out years ago. jamel often comes by the Lazarus House long before wRap Kidz just to see what is going on there. last week we had a mission team who was working on the fence in front of the property. jamel came by, he wanted to help. we do not let kids come early because it usually causes a problem, so ron sent jamel home. donna walked him home, she began to talk to him. she learned that he doesn't get breakfast unless he walks to the King center which is about 4 blocks away, on that particular day it was closed. she also learned that he just hangs out on the streets alone most of the time. in the house jamel lives there are 11 kids signed up to come to wRap Kidz, about 5 or 6 come on a regular basis. jamel doesn't really seem a part of this group of siblings and cousins. they don't talk to each other or look out for him the way they do the other young ones. ron went home to eat lunch after sending jamel home. he talk to God about sending jamel home and the Lord told him that we needed to be there for jamel. as he was sharing all of this with us durning our prayer time after lunch. he told us that if jamel comes around he can stay and 'work' with us and we'll give him breakfast and lunch on those days. about 3 minuets later jamel came back wondering if wRap kidz was starting, it was truly a God thing. we still had to pray and jamel stayed with us during that itme, we got him some lunch. ron talked to him and told him that he was wrong in sending him home and he can come and play with us anytime we are out but that it was special thing just for him. jamel comes around often now. it was either that day or the next we shared the gospel witht he kids and asked them if they wanted to be jesus' friend. jamel did and then he prayed and said, "i love you God, thanks for being my friend." so sweet precious prayers of a hurting nelegected child who longs to be loved. we were talking with the 1 st and 2nd grade small group and jamel began to ask how big God is. we shared ideas and i told them he was bigger than the sky and the lazarus house. then he looked at me and said, "God is so big that he gave us a heart to love him." jamel is beginning to get it and understand that God loves him and is always there for him when he is walking the streets alone day after day.

do i really get that? oh these kids challenge me to be grateful for what i have and to seek out the Lord because he is all they have. he is really all i have too but do i live like that?

been awhile

well, it has been a few weeks or rather almost maybe a month. life has been going well. it has it's moments but i am confident the adjustment is well under way and may be over soon. i started my job with the kids and cleaning up the neighborhoods, i love my job. when i am not there i just want to be there. it is amazing. i know part of that is the fascination of a new job but more than that i am where God wants me to be and that makes getting up in the morning a lot easier. i have already seen a change in the kids from day to day.

one little kid, jamel, is very cute. jamel is 6 and lives in a crack house. the first couple of days he was very tough and didn't want to play the 'kid' games. i tried to talk to him but the outer shell seemed rough. i had the chance to walk him home the next day he held my hand the whole way. when we got to his house he gave me a hug and asked, "you gonna be there tomorrow?" as i said "yes" a big smile spread across his face and he went in the house. jamel continues to come back everyday. somedays the attitude is worse than others and other days he is soft and tender. it makes me wonder what happens while he is at home to make him so mad. is he abused in some way on those nights or mornings. he always gives me a hug now, willingly i rarely have to ask for one anymore. the other day he came and he had the biggest belt buckle i have ever seen on a 6 year old it was as big as my fist, with some silver bling. that's my friend jamel.

God has continued to be so faithful in providing financially for me. grace will be providing some funds, but not covering all. i was a little bummed when i heard it but i also knew that would be too easy, if i am walking by faith. the same day i found this out God spoke to friends of mine and i got a check for $100 and then a week later in my mail was over $400 in gift cards for gas, food, and fun. God is very good. he takes care of my every need.

changes

well life is good. i am all moved and still getting settled. the apartment is bigger than we remembered so that is amazing. granted we have sparce amount of big furniture in the apartment but it is still pretty big.

i started my job yesterday and that went well, things will get better once the summer gets in full swing then my roll will really pick up. i am going to be heading up the ministry for single moms. i was unsure of how that was going to look but when ron asked me to begin sharing about my passions that was that first thing that came out and then things about a youth center and such. i feel like this passion might be temporary to get things going and once we get the youth centers i will work with them.

in conjunction with the wRap Kidz program they run, similar to a vbs/ day camp, they have youth mission teams come in and do work projects in the morning. i will be heading up the beautification of the neighborhood with the youth teams. i will be coordinating the projects and directing them. while they are working my job will be to hang out with the women of the house during that time getting to know who she is. this will get me in the door to begin the process of getting to know the women. in the afternoon i will hang out with the kids at wRap Kidz so they get to know me as well. loving kids helps parents love you.

i am excited that God is putting the details together in his timing.

support for grace seems like it is a done deal, we are praying over the amount that it would be enough for my needs. i will know a amount in late july but they are willing to start a little now which will help.

things are overall going well, the adjustment time is getting better.

finger condom

well, last friday at caribou i had a run in with the thermometer and i sliced my thumb open. don't ask how. it bled pretty bad, it was gross it is right on the pad of my thumb. i have not noticed how much i use that appendage until now and it hurting all the time. it bleed through a bandage and i changed it and put a new one on and in the first aid kit were a bunch of finger cots, their proper name. they were turquoise blue, very noticeable. i put one on so i could continue to work, it put press on my thumb and held the bandage in place, too. who knew finger condoms were so practical.

this story is a whole lot more funny because at c. harbor my first summer we were looking through the free stuff we had ordered from a company and there were a couple thousand finger cots, and they were not blue but just creamy in color. i believe the idea was to use them as water balloons for a game. hmm... it was more than humorous as we filled one with water and realized what it look liked and then to throw it around... even funnier. the best part was is that finger cots are made of a very durable plastic one that doesn't break easily.

i called my boss' from c. harbor on saturday to tell them i used a finger cot in the right way... good laughs for all.

moving

moving on...
well things continue to change on a regular basis for me.

God continues to be good and provides things...
1st he has provided a passion some of it new nad most of it has been revived from the past
2nd he provided a job that is beyond my wildest dreams, a place for me to be free to live out the passion God has given me
3rd he has finally provided an apartment, we signed the lease yesterday and it is near mark which is simply a bonus
4th i know he will provide the finacial means he sees fit to carry me through this part of the journey

i realize i am still being vague, there really is no reason for it, it is just fun. so i will explain. i will be working with a non-profit faith based organization in racine. the organization it called lighthouse recovery ministries, i will be working with the Lazarus House specifically. this is an actual house which is being renovated to be used for ministry. they function on a relational level with all the members of the community doing few events and more building relationships. my job title doesn't exsist and i am not taking over a vacant position, yet i am filling a place on staff that God has prepared for me. i can't tell you the details of my job, for they are unknown even to me. crazy this sounds, i know. they run a day camp/ vbs program throughout the summer for the kids in the community, i will begin by getting my feet wet in all aspects of this program. i will have no direct responsiblity except to be where God wants me on a given day. once i begin to get a bigger picture of everything and God begins to visually show me where he wants me to serve things will become more concrete.

p.s. i have signed a year lease without having 'reliable' income. i know my income is reliable because it is from the Lord, just as your is. i just don't know who will be writing the check(s) on a regular basis

God has called me and placed me, he has taken care of many details thus far why should i question him now.

am i scared you wonder... well yes, that is only human, do i have a hope and peace, well yes, that is only the Lord

Gratitude

lately there has been much thought swirling through my head. in the past couple of weeks i have become grateful for the suffering and hard time in the past. i am able to look back and see so many lessons God has taught me through those times. granted they were not always easy or fun but i wouldn't trade them for anything.

i couldn't be where i am today without the past. do i wish it would have been easier or different? no, because the process of it all has made who i am today. as i sat and shared with a friend yesterday things came out of my mouth i didn't know where in my heart. not bad things but things i have learned through the past. if things were still the same i would have the same friends, be in the same routine of church, being doing jr. high (which was easier for me), and be no closer to the Lord. i would be stuck. i would being doing church as a means to follow Christ. we are not called to sit in a pew and absorb (although that is a part of it). as i had stated in an earlier blog, i was content to go to church, serve and have my 'family'(again that is a part of being a christian but there is so much more) it thought i got it. i had heard before that we need to go outside the walls of this building and reach the lost. i thought i was doing that, and in part i was but i didn't get it. i probably don't fully get it now.

following Christ is so much more than being a part of a church body. we think that being in the church and serving in the church is what it is about and if we are honest we would probably say we know there is more but it is risky out 'there'. i realize there is a need for us to be fed at some level church ministries are good. i am not saying all the ministry is outside the church but 25% should be within the walls and 75% should be outside the wall's to the lost, poor, and oppressed that is where Gods heart is.

i am falling more in love with a God who is risky and not safe, but still incredibly good, loving and detailed. this life i am living, the christian life as we like to call it, is not about being safe and secure, it is about listening and seeking God and being obedient.

i have stepped out on an endeavor that to many seems crazy, risky and maybe unwise. i understand that you may not understand yet but i pray that you too will fall head over heels in love with my God who does not call us to safety and security but to being Christ to people.

Entitlement

i have become fascinated lately with the idea of entitlement, especially in regards to youth. (don't get me wrong i am a fan of youth) lately i have come across more people in the 14-20 age group who feel they are entitled to something.

i waited on a group of 5 young men and a young girl on wednesday night. upon arriving at their table they began to yell drinks at me and then told me lat time they were here they received cold bread so they deserve more than normal this time. okay, i understand and will compensate you for the less than perfect service you received but there is a way to tell someone that. i was told they got more bread, it was not part of a discussion or offer i made to them. this interaction struck me right away. the words 'we deserve' resonate in my head still.

the other way i have encountered this has been at work also with fellow young employees, they feel their boss owes them something for the time put in. i was at this place at one time or another maybe not too long ago. we feel that because we come in a work we deserve something above and beyond our wages, that isn't good enough. i am not sure what they expect or even what i expected but we feel we are entitled to more because of various things in our heads. i am not saying that we shouldn't be treated fairly but what we expect is different.

when push comes to shove we deserve nothing. we were created to worship a perfect, holy, loving, forgiving, gracious and glorious GOD who loves us no matter what we do. we should be working to glorify his name and for his glory alone, not for all we think is entitled to us. this GOd who created and loves us also forgave us to allow us to come into his presence once agian. our hearts should be full of joy and gratitude. i understand that this concept goes far beyond simply working and is much harder to put into action than to write about it. i am at fault myself. i have just seen this concept put into play by young people in the work force. i think it is more prevelant in teens but i know we all think we deserve something even me.