This past weekend God sent us away as staff. We had planned a retreat about a month ago, we wanted to go away but we felt like doors kept shutting on our options. We had a few different cabins, one with no shower, one was a trailer, others were too far away... none of these things were that bad but we wanted to be able to really meet with each other and with God and not have distractions of one another stench or being on top of each other with no space at all.
Thursday afternoon we met together to decide what to do about the weekend. We concluded we knew God wanted us together and it didn't matter where. My apartment was an option as my roommates were gone for the weekend and we had a few others, in the middle of the weekend Mark came up with the idea to go to Grand Rapids, MI and stay with a friend of ours who owned her own home and had a gracious heart. He called she said yes, and we got a van and in less than 24 hours from the phone call we were in GR.
We had an amazing weekend of becoming a family of siblings focusing on God as our father. We got to know each other very well, we rub up against each other good and bad. We began to understand what makes each other tick. We view each other as staff as sibling with no hierarchy. Ron does take the lead but we each are able to lead when we feel the Lord nudging us. It was the prefect weekend, we needed to get away we each had things that would have been distractions to the weekend had we stayed here, people, events, schoolwork and life.
On Saturday we spent a period of time getting with God. It was a time for me in which God brought many things together. I have been doing a couple different things in getting with God lately, going through the book of Romans through my bible study, John 15 with my small group and reading the book Irresistible Revolution. In my time God began by showing me how many things were distracting me at the moment and how I make distractions in life to avoid going deeper with Him and with people. As I began to quiet myself and seek Him, He was quick to reveal Himself to me. He took me to Psalm 41:13 "I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, 'Do not fear I will help you.'" In John 15 Jesus is talking about how we are friends of Him if we remain in the vine and how He chose us, we did not choose Him. He chose me to serve Him in the inner city by being Christ to these people and He has taken hold of my right hand and He is the one helping me every step of the way when I remain in His vine. I have nothing to fear when I am in His presence being obedient to what He has called me to do.
This thought was so simple to me at that moment, it was a huge reassurance of being in His will right now. As people say things to me (or us as a staff) like, have you found a job yet, are you happy with your choice, is everything turning out like you had hoped, are you sure about this, etc. The list goes on and on, these are things said to all of us by people we love and care about, not simply people we randomly meet. In those conversations Satan steps in and makes you doubt sometimes what God, who has created the universe to every last detail, has called each of us to do. And other times we are just hurt because these people don't trust our choices. We understand as a staff and I personally that what we are doing seems crazy to some (well most people). But God has called us to do something for Him, is it always easy NO, but the joy and heavenly rewards are incredible. I hesitate to make my walk with the Lord sound like it is peaches and cream all the time, the things He asks me to do are tough but the life of disobedience is tougher and heartbreaking!
Monday, September 25
Thursday, September 21
learning
I have failed this week. I have been trying to post every Monday and well not so much this week. Finally 72 hours later I am getting around to it.
We had a great event this past Sunday. We did a wRap Kidz Sunday at a Church in Racine. We were church, we did church and God showed up. Steve (one of the other staff members) and I went out last Thursday afternoon to get permission slips, we signed up 33 kids to go and other people had some other kids they signed up I believe we ended up with about 50 kids in all. While we were out last Thursday we really saw the fruit of our ministry in the relationships we have built within this community over the last 4 months. Steve has been helping out with the ministry for a couple of years and came on staff last October. It was amazing to see the kids excitement when they come running out of the house or even across the street to greet us. The were so excited. Meeting some parents for the first time and some for the 20th was awesome also. We were able to tell the parents more about our ministry and how awesome their kids are.
On Sunday morning we went to pick up the kids and many of them showed up. We went out to the church and they sang some of the songs we taught them this summer and did the motions. There was more movement going on in that church than I have experienced in my whole Christian walk probably. We as staff shared about what God was doing through our ministry in the inner city. I was able to share some of my miracles that God has done in getting my bills paid. It was awesome there are a few other churches in Racine that would like us to come and do something like this in there church on a Sunday morning. We are excited about going.
Quick story in this whole process, I have gained a new appreciation for my friend Brandon. I was in charge of putting together the power point for the service with the songs and all. I spent hours putting 50+ slides together editing and aligning them with the music so the person would not have to go back and forth. The music we sang was is not 'normal' church music so the sound guy was not familiar with it. I got it to the church and got it on the computer there only to find out the font I used which I love, was not on that computer. I had to reformat all the slides so that the font fit on the slides. I had prayed earlier in the week as I was working on the slides that God would help me be okay if the slides didn't work out just perfect. He did. I have been witness to many a technical difficulty during a church service or youth group. Brandon usually did the power point for his talks and usually the worship for the evening or morning, I now know how much time it takes and the frusteration that could come from things not working.
We are going on a Staff Retreat this weekend. It should be good, I am looking forward to spending time with them. We are going to a friends house in Grand Rapids, Mark has connections.
This is Steve:
We had a great event this past Sunday. We did a wRap Kidz Sunday at a Church in Racine. We were church, we did church and God showed up. Steve (one of the other staff members) and I went out last Thursday afternoon to get permission slips, we signed up 33 kids to go and other people had some other kids they signed up I believe we ended up with about 50 kids in all. While we were out last Thursday we really saw the fruit of our ministry in the relationships we have built within this community over the last 4 months. Steve has been helping out with the ministry for a couple of years and came on staff last October. It was amazing to see the kids excitement when they come running out of the house or even across the street to greet us. The were so excited. Meeting some parents for the first time and some for the 20th was awesome also. We were able to tell the parents more about our ministry and how awesome their kids are.
On Sunday morning we went to pick up the kids and many of them showed up. We went out to the church and they sang some of the songs we taught them this summer and did the motions. There was more movement going on in that church than I have experienced in my whole Christian walk probably. We as staff shared about what God was doing through our ministry in the inner city. I was able to share some of my miracles that God has done in getting my bills paid. It was awesome there are a few other churches in Racine that would like us to come and do something like this in there church on a Sunday morning. We are excited about going.
Quick story in this whole process, I have gained a new appreciation for my friend Brandon. I was in charge of putting together the power point for the service with the songs and all. I spent hours putting 50+ slides together editing and aligning them with the music so the person would not have to go back and forth. The music we sang was is not 'normal' church music so the sound guy was not familiar with it. I got it to the church and got it on the computer there only to find out the font I used which I love, was not on that computer. I had to reformat all the slides so that the font fit on the slides. I had prayed earlier in the week as I was working on the slides that God would help me be okay if the slides didn't work out just perfect. He did. I have been witness to many a technical difficulty during a church service or youth group. Brandon usually did the power point for his talks and usually the worship for the evening or morning, I now know how much time it takes and the frusteration that could come from things not working.
We are going on a Staff Retreat this weekend. It should be good, I am looking forward to spending time with them. We are going to a friends house in Grand Rapids, Mark has connections.
This is Steve:
Tuesday, September 12
Mixing it up
God has been teaching me a lot lately. It has been a wild ride with ups and downs. It has been hard some days. I have been blessed to be able to make up my own job as I go along and really more so as God reveals His plan for me and my ministry in the inner city. This is incredible but it is a HUGE responsibility to be listening for God and then moving on what He wants. I have struggled the last couple of weeks with what it should look like. You think about Family Ministries or Women's Ministries and it means parenting classes, scrap booking, bible studies, fitness classes you name it. While some of that will work at some point in the inner city that is not where God wants it to go right now, that would fill no need in the 'hood. I have battled with this all summer trying to figure out what my ministry should look like. And thinking about what other people think my ministry should look. Oh man that is a bad place to be when you are trying to follow what God wants. The conflict that comes it not good, I should have never let Satan take me to those thoughts. There where many other things going on as well, I watch my roommates work hard, one has two jobs and school and another is a first year teacher. Needless to say they are never home and work while they are here. I sit an compare myself to them, NOT good either. I am striking out all over. When I don't have to go to work until 9 or 10 and they have been up and out for 3 hours at that point. But then I fail to remember my working at nights or on the weekend. The feelings of 'I am not doing enough' and then God says to me, "Compared to who are you no doing enough. You are fine."
I have many past experiences that God wants to use within this ministry from camping ministry to Junior High Ministry to being on a Ministry Team. In times I feel as if I am stepping on toes with what God wants me to do because it falls in someone elses area or it doesn't really fit into Family Ministries. Last week after a night of uncertainty and brokenness I spent some good time with the Lord. He simply said to me, "It is not going to look like anything you can imagine or put together," and at another point He said, "Stop trying to live the life I have called you to and just live the truth you know." Two powerful things. I was broken realizing what what i was doing. Then the clarity came and He showed me more areas where He was stretching me and where I needed to let go.
I love my planner, I mean LOVE it. I live by it. I opened at a recent staff meeting and the month of September had about 3 events written on it. My thought was, "I am a bum, I don't have any thing going on." I am so bad with my planner that I would go in and write events that have already happened on dates so that at the end of the month I feel as if I have been productive and I am popular with social events. Because my month is packed. Oh it is disgusting. In my new job nothing is planned very much in advance and some social events are also staff meetings or time together. I am still working through these thoughts of a full schedule means success. I am learning and God is teaching me in it how to live within His planner because it is more balanced.
I have met with Ron and Donna and we talked about the direction of my ministry in particular and I am so excited now and before I know it I will need to use a planner to make sure I have enough downtime because I will be busy before I know it. Part of family ministries is working with volunteers who want to come in and serve. My ministry is the bridge that equips people to connect to inner city families. We don't want or have work for all people who come in to serve on our building we want them to go into the home of a family and truly be Christ to them. My ministry will be the connection for this as I know the families in the 'hood. This is just one aspect of my job.
One area I really feel God calling me to is to write a curriculum for our wRap Kidz program. I felt like I was stepping on toes with our wRap Kidz director. But with the experiences God has blessed me with I know I am supposed to be working on it. I want to work with Katy and we will work together but we need to create an outline of a program so we are more free with work with in on a daily basis next summer. I am so excited for this. I have many ideas and can't wait to get the ball rolling. This is what I will be spending the majority of my time on for the next couple weeks. Then as things begin to pick-up it will already be in the works.
God has really been mixing it up lately. But I like it, sometimes the beaters hurt but the faster you learn the quick you can become more of what He is creating me to be.
Monday, September 4
Affirmation
Most days I wake up and I can't believe that I am so blessed to get to do what I do. Most people have to take off work or rearrange schedules to get to serve in the inner city, yet God has called me to this place for what the world sees as a 'job', how I make my living. But this gets to be my lifestyle. I just can't fathom it. Why me? I look at some stupid things I do, my sin and I compare myself to other people and think my faith is not even close to where it should be. But where exactly is that? I am comparing it to a friend, co-worker, or maybe some one I admire, these people are not the ones I should be comparing myself to. I can only ask one person one question, God. He always smiles down and says, "Sweet Daughter, you are right where I want you," or "Beloved, you are on the right track." These are things he has shared with me in my moments of question and disbelief.
Some of these moments of doubts comes with the close of the summer. My job falls more on my shoulders, I begin to really direct its steps with the guidance of the Lord. I have been scared. It requires so much more vulnerability on my part. Putting myself out there trying to connect with women in the community, by doing home visits. These make me nervous because I will go door to door with some of the women whom I have made relationships with this past summer. God will provided all that I need but in preparation I think of conversation starters and planning the conversation. I worry and am distracted over the little things. I know that it will be as rewarding as the summer.
God has been encouraging my heart in other ways as well. Our last event for the summer and in some ways first big event for the community was a huge success because God showed up. He brought the people he wanted there. We held an event in conjunction with the Starving Jesus tour. In the afternoon we had a picnic lunch and games for the wRap Kidz. This was awesome. The kids had not seen many of us in about two weeks, so let's say they were pumped! It was incredible to see them come running in looking for their favorite intern or staff member. The hugs were tight and long last Tuesday. The kids had a blast. We had a break and a transition time to get ready for a coffee house in the evening for young adults. Craig Gross and J.R. Mahon came for the evening part and spoke about not being chained to a pew and getting out into the community. God used this message to convict some and for us as staff He strongly encouraged our hearts by showing us we weren't alone. These guys are doing a 40 city tour sharing this message. We had a coffee house then were people could meander around to 3 different rooms for prayer, worship or fellowship. People stayed and hung out and really fellowshiped. It was awesome to see. We had about 60 - 70 young adults there. The building was being used for what God wanted to do that night. It was great people have commented on how strong the spirit was in that building. When you work in a place everyday or you get used to that feeling you forget. I have prayed that I would still notice that feeling.
In preparation for the event Mark had been planning for months and I joined him full force about a week prior to the event. We worked hard, it was crazy how many details kept coming up. Both of us have worked in a church before. I volunteered in a position and I didn't need much help because I didn't have many kids but I still know what it is like to put events on alone. Mark on the other hand has done many many events set-up and tear down alone. He has done some big events that way. He hates it. Last Monday that day before the event we had gotten 90% of the things we needed to decorate and such to the Lazarus House. I and another staff member had called our staff from the summer and they came with a few others on Monday for 4 hours and in the morning on Tuesday to set-up. It was amazing Mark was so blessed and blown away because he could actually run last minuet errands while we were setting up and he didn't have to do it all alone. We transformed the Lazarus House, it was awesome. The Lazarus House is a 1851 mansion with a 1912 addition and we are restoring it to the original time period. So, needless to say that process is timely and expensive. But the Lord is providing in that and is making it into a building that is beautiful in a neighbor that needs it. It is not near finished but it is functional and God helped us make it into a wonderful space for Tuesday.
It was a day of encouragement in from the planning to the clean-up.
(I know this blog is sort of all over the place, sorry)
Some of these moments of doubts comes with the close of the summer. My job falls more on my shoulders, I begin to really direct its steps with the guidance of the Lord. I have been scared. It requires so much more vulnerability on my part. Putting myself out there trying to connect with women in the community, by doing home visits. These make me nervous because I will go door to door with some of the women whom I have made relationships with this past summer. God will provided all that I need but in preparation I think of conversation starters and planning the conversation. I worry and am distracted over the little things. I know that it will be as rewarding as the summer.
God has been encouraging my heart in other ways as well. Our last event for the summer and in some ways first big event for the community was a huge success because God showed up. He brought the people he wanted there. We held an event in conjunction with the Starving Jesus tour. In the afternoon we had a picnic lunch and games for the wRap Kidz. This was awesome. The kids had not seen many of us in about two weeks, so let's say they were pumped! It was incredible to see them come running in looking for their favorite intern or staff member. The hugs were tight and long last Tuesday. The kids had a blast. We had a break and a transition time to get ready for a coffee house in the evening for young adults. Craig Gross and J.R. Mahon came for the evening part and spoke about not being chained to a pew and getting out into the community. God used this message to convict some and for us as staff He strongly encouraged our hearts by showing us we weren't alone. These guys are doing a 40 city tour sharing this message. We had a coffee house then were people could meander around to 3 different rooms for prayer, worship or fellowship. People stayed and hung out and really fellowshiped. It was awesome to see. We had about 60 - 70 young adults there. The building was being used for what God wanted to do that night. It was great people have commented on how strong the spirit was in that building. When you work in a place everyday or you get used to that feeling you forget. I have prayed that I would still notice that feeling.
In preparation for the event Mark had been planning for months and I joined him full force about a week prior to the event. We worked hard, it was crazy how many details kept coming up. Both of us have worked in a church before. I volunteered in a position and I didn't need much help because I didn't have many kids but I still know what it is like to put events on alone. Mark on the other hand has done many many events set-up and tear down alone. He has done some big events that way. He hates it. Last Monday that day before the event we had gotten 90% of the things we needed to decorate and such to the Lazarus House. I and another staff member had called our staff from the summer and they came with a few others on Monday for 4 hours and in the morning on Tuesday to set-up. It was amazing Mark was so blessed and blown away because he could actually run last minuet errands while we were setting up and he didn't have to do it all alone. We transformed the Lazarus House, it was awesome. The Lazarus House is a 1851 mansion with a 1912 addition and we are restoring it to the original time period. So, needless to say that process is timely and expensive. But the Lord is providing in that and is making it into a building that is beautiful in a neighbor that needs it. It is not near finished but it is functional and God helped us make it into a wonderful space for Tuesday.
It was a day of encouragement in from the planning to the clean-up.
(I know this blog is sort of all over the place, sorry)
Monday, August 28
Update
Sorry for the delay in updates I am not making excuses simply explaining: I went on vacation and my laptop went to the shop because my backlight kept going out.
But I am back and so is my laptop which is amazing. Oh, how I love my computer. I know I can live without it but I use it so much. I am jst getting my monies worth.
During the last week of wRap Kidz Mark had his fifth and sixth graders on their mission trip to the 'hood'. They work with this ministry and focus on one street and clean it up and play with the kids. I helped clean yards. One house we worked on is right next to Ron and Donna's (my boss'). I has been vacant for about 6 years not up for sale or rent. We are praying for it as a minstry. We hope to use it for staff housing in some fashion. Here are some pictures from before
and after on the house I worked on.
I worked on this house with a group of 5 fifth and sixth graders who worked hard. We had a lot of work to do as you can see!
I am also going to post a picture of Jamel and I and some other kids so you can see the ones who have stole my heart!
But I am back and so is my laptop which is amazing. Oh, how I love my computer. I know I can live without it but I use it so much. I am jst getting my monies worth.
During the last week of wRap Kidz Mark had his fifth and sixth graders on their mission trip to the 'hood'. They work with this ministry and focus on one street and clean it up and play with the kids. I helped clean yards. One house we worked on is right next to Ron and Donna's (my boss'). I has been vacant for about 6 years not up for sale or rent. We are praying for it as a minstry. We hope to use it for staff housing in some fashion. Here are some pictures from before
and after on the house I worked on.
I worked on this house with a group of 5 fifth and sixth graders who worked hard. We had a lot of work to do as you can see!
I am also going to post a picture of Jamel and I and some other kids so you can see the ones who have stole my heart!
Saturday, August 5
why must i be a turd
I just got home from grocery shopping. I have grown to hate grocery shopping, let alone any kind of spending money because it requires more faith and trust in God on my part. Each time is another surrender saying, "thank you for the provision, I am trusting you to do it again as you see fit." This week I received money from a church that had said they would support me. I was grateful but I was disappointed because it was not going to be my security as I thought. It was for not very much money, it helps greatly but it fully leaves in complete reliance on the Lord, which is what he wants. I am not sure how He is going to work through this money and I am trying not to assign it to bills that are off in the distance.
Back to getting home from grocery shopping, I didn't even want to shopping because it is so hard and frankly makes me a little grumpy. I wanted to stop to get coffee but I felt like it wouldn't be a wise use because it is seems frivolous. I realize that God wants me to enjoy things like coffee and going out to eat once and while, but I struggle with giving these things to myself when there are bigger things to take care of. I am learning to find the balance in it all. I cried on the way home from the grocery store because I had just spent money and I want a savings account that provides some security for random expenses and for buying a house, getting married, having kids, and traveling a bit. Some days it is this bad and others it is not an issue. I really just have to go and not think about the future. I called Mark on the way home; I was crying and feeling bad for myself. Being the girl that I am I was pissed I was upset which made me cry even more. Oh being a woman. It is more about trusting the Lord to know the desires of my heart and trusting in his timing than I am really upset about not having money. It is such a security blanket.
All of these thoughts are swirling in my head as I get home from the grocery store I just want to sleep it away but I know I must pray it away. I put away the groceries and chat with one of my roommates a little and then I went to check the mail. None of us usually get any mail but I just felt I should. About a week ago I received a random email from an old dear friend asking for my address because she wished to send me something. I didn't think much of it because my birthday was coming up soon and whatever. In the mail on Saturday were two pieces of mail both addressed to me and no junk mail. I came went into the apartment and began to open them. One was a birthday card with a check for $50, the other was a letter. I began to read the letter my heart began to swell with knowledge of my sinfulness as I finished the letter I was showered with grace and mercy by my father. The letter was from this old friend and it was a story of how God was working in her life this summer and how he was providing for her and in this speaking to her about providing for me as well. Enclosed was a check for $250. God is so faithful.
This act of obedience to the Lord encourages my heart so much because this is part of our vision for the inner city is young adults supporting young adults. We recognize the Lord will use anyone but this generation of young adults wants nothing more than to be a part of something great for the Lord not for their glory but because they love God so much differently than other generations. Her act of obedience also brings glory to God because it shows the depth of her commitment to him but also her trust because she doesn't have millions to give away or even thousands to be comfortable with but she does what he asks of her!
There is one children’s song that frequents my head it goes like this:
My God is so big, so strong and so mighty there is nothing my God can not do!
I am challenged as I even write it, do I really believe that all that time? Do I live it? I know I fail and am a turd some days but I am trying to be open and receptive to a God who loves me and who is so big, so strong and so mighty.
Sunday, July 30
my provision
i am not sure how to start this blog there is much i want to say and i want to be funny for some reason at 7:39am. i will refrain.
i was in this bible study this summer learning about jewish roots. it is a rich study, very rich! there is so much i have gained from the teaching. i believe it was our first night way back when. about 3 people showed up other than mark and i. i was a bit annoyed because of it and i was only there because i 'had' to be. i didn't have to go but i did. the lesson was on standing stones. the israelites used to erect these massive stones to mark a spot. they were not your normal stone they were almost rectangular in shape the would stand them on end so everyone could see them. they were stones that were not to be moved. each stone in each different location was a sign post of what God had done in that place. then each time someone would pass by it they could ask, "what is that for?" and the people could tell them what God had done.
i know that our lives should be standing stones so that when people encounter us they ask, "what is that ... (attitude, joy, hope, peace) for?" and we can share the relationship we have with Christ. i went home feeling like i would like to build my own little land and begin to put standing stones in it for each time God does something for me. i realize this is somewhat silly because God is constantly providing for my every need. but in some ways the things happening to me seem abnormal to the rest of the world. i know that this is how my life should be and 80% of the time (i will be honest here) i do not wish it were any other way. there are moments of selfishness, if there weren't i might be worried because that is not normal.
some of my recent standing stones are...
-back in april or may i received word that the church i attended would support me financially, God is still working on this one.
-God has provided the most amazing apartment and things to make it function and look like a really apartment and not a dorm room or sorts. i love where i live!
-God has spoke to people to pray for me
-God has provided all my needs according to his riches and glory.
he has provide my needs differently than i had expected. there is a group of people who have given me all of what i have right now. my small groups leaders gave me a check for $100 which was what i needed to finish paying my bills for July. the next week, about a month ago, I got up in the morning and there was an envelop for me. i thought this was odd because i had not given out my new address, only to my small group and the letter was from church. i began to open the envelop and out fell a bunch of gift cards. over $400. oh the tears came. last week i was at for membership classes which is a miracle in itself. and the person teaching it told me to bring my bills to them and they would pay them for the month of Aug. knowing i had a meeting the next night to find out how Grace would be supporting me financially. i still do not know about that.
then again just recently God spoke to them again, and they sent to me by special delivery another set of gift cards about$300.
God is so faithful. people get on me for not being really excited when these things happen. it is not that i am not excited, oh i am grateful. but it is one of the most humbling experiences thus far in my life. i look at who i am and my sin and i wonder why do you chose me God. i know the answer is that he loves me and Zeph. 3:17 says, "the Lord your God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves. He will take great delight in you; in his love he will no longer rebuke you, but will rejoice over you with singing." I know this is true because of these people. God takes delight in providing my needs, he loves it! each time his provision comes i am reminded that i can do nothing apart from him, he is my all. my job is to remain in him.
this space could be my standing stones garden. there are so many ways God has shown me who he is.
Saturday, July 29
streets
the stories continue to be created everyday. i wish i could write them all down some are amazing and others break your heart. my friend jamel continues to steal my heart along with 4 other six year old boys. their hearts are so tender and hurt. jamel is on the far left with the light blue shirt on. isaiah is next to me in red and caleb is next to him.
caleb comes everyday, his big brother has been coming to wRap Kidz for years, and caleb is finally old enough to come. sometimes he makes it to bible story, sometimes snack and on a few days he makes it for the full two hours. we do send kids home if they are not participating because it affects all the kids. kids want to be here so they usually get sent home only once and then they are back for good. they do not want to go home.
isaiah is the youngest of 5 brothers and sisters. he is so cute, oh my word! the whole family is beautiful. i have made some really good connections with this family and the mom anesha. a church sent 3 of the older kids to VCBC for junior camp when mark spoke. it was a very stretching week for anesha having 3 of her babies in iowa for a week. but it was a good bonding time for her and i as i checked in on her. isaiah and caleb live across the street from each other they are best buds and worst enemies in the same day!
jamel, i have written a little about him before, but he is an amazing kid. jamel walks the streets almost all day long by himself, he is 6 years old. sometimes he has his bike and other times he is just walking in shoes we would have thrown out years ago. jamel often comes by the Lazarus House long before wRap Kidz just to see what is going on there. last week we had a mission team who was working on the fence in front of the property. jamel came by, he wanted to help. we do not let kids come early because it usually causes a problem, so ron sent jamel home. donna walked him home, she began to talk to him. she learned that he doesn't get breakfast unless he walks to the King center which is about 4 blocks away, on that particular day it was closed. she also learned that he just hangs out on the streets alone most of the time. in the house jamel lives there are 11 kids signed up to come to wRap Kidz, about 5 or 6 come on a regular basis. jamel doesn't really seem a part of this group of siblings and cousins. they don't talk to each other or look out for him the way they do the other young ones. ron went home to eat lunch after sending jamel home. he talk to God about sending jamel home and the Lord told him that we needed to be there for jamel. as he was sharing all of this with us durning our prayer time after lunch. he told us that if jamel comes around he can stay and 'work' with us and we'll give him breakfast and lunch on those days. about 3 minuets later jamel came back wondering if wRap kidz was starting, it was truly a God thing. we still had to pray and jamel stayed with us during that itme, we got him some lunch. ron talked to him and told him that he was wrong in sending him home and he can come and play with us anytime we are out but that it was special thing just for him. jamel comes around often now. it was either that day or the next we shared the gospel witht he kids and asked them if they wanted to be jesus' friend. jamel did and then he prayed and said, "i love you God, thanks for being my friend." so sweet precious prayers of a hurting nelegected child who longs to be loved. we were talking with the 1 st and 2nd grade small group and jamel began to ask how big God is. we shared ideas and i told them he was bigger than the sky and the lazarus house. then he looked at me and said, "God is so big that he gave us a heart to love him." jamel is beginning to get it and understand that God loves him and is always there for him when he is walking the streets alone day after day.
do i really get that? oh these kids challenge me to be grateful for what i have and to seek out the Lord because he is all they have. he is really all i have too but do i live like that?
Monday, July 3
been awhile
well, it has been a few weeks or rather almost maybe a month. life has been going well. it has it's moments but i am confident the adjustment is well under way and may be over soon. i started my job with the kids and cleaning up the neighborhoods, i love my job. when i am not there i just want to be there. it is amazing. i know part of that is the fascination of a new job but more than that i am where God wants me to be and that makes getting up in the morning a lot easier. i have already seen a change in the kids from day to day.
one little kid, jamel, is very cute. jamel is 6 and lives in a crack house. the first couple of days he was very tough and didn't want to play the 'kid' games. i tried to talk to him but the outer shell seemed rough. i had the chance to walk him home the next day he held my hand the whole way. when we got to his house he gave me a hug and asked, "you gonna be there tomorrow?" as i said "yes" a big smile spread across his face and he went in the house. jamel continues to come back everyday. somedays the attitude is worse than others and other days he is soft and tender. it makes me wonder what happens while he is at home to make him so mad. is he abused in some way on those nights or mornings. he always gives me a hug now, willingly i rarely have to ask for one anymore. the other day he came and he had the biggest belt buckle i have ever seen on a 6 year old it was as big as my fist, with some silver bling. that's my friend jamel.
God has continued to be so faithful in providing financially for me. grace will be providing some funds, but not covering all. i was a little bummed when i heard it but i also knew that would be too easy, if i am walking by faith. the same day i found this out God spoke to friends of mine and i got a check for $100 and then a week later in my mail was over $400 in gift cards for gas, food, and fun. God is very good. he takes care of my every need.
one little kid, jamel, is very cute. jamel is 6 and lives in a crack house. the first couple of days he was very tough and didn't want to play the 'kid' games. i tried to talk to him but the outer shell seemed rough. i had the chance to walk him home the next day he held my hand the whole way. when we got to his house he gave me a hug and asked, "you gonna be there tomorrow?" as i said "yes" a big smile spread across his face and he went in the house. jamel continues to come back everyday. somedays the attitude is worse than others and other days he is soft and tender. it makes me wonder what happens while he is at home to make him so mad. is he abused in some way on those nights or mornings. he always gives me a hug now, willingly i rarely have to ask for one anymore. the other day he came and he had the biggest belt buckle i have ever seen on a 6 year old it was as big as my fist, with some silver bling. that's my friend jamel.
God has continued to be so faithful in providing financially for me. grace will be providing some funds, but not covering all. i was a little bummed when i heard it but i also knew that would be too easy, if i am walking by faith. the same day i found this out God spoke to friends of mine and i got a check for $100 and then a week later in my mail was over $400 in gift cards for gas, food, and fun. God is very good. he takes care of my every need.
Wednesday, June 7
changes
well life is good. i am all moved and still getting settled. the apartment is bigger than we remembered so that is amazing. granted we have sparce amount of big furniture in the apartment but it is still pretty big.
i started my job yesterday and that went well, things will get better once the summer gets in full swing then my roll will really pick up. i am going to be heading up the ministry for single moms. i was unsure of how that was going to look but when ron asked me to begin sharing about my passions that was that first thing that came out and then things about a youth center and such. i feel like this passion might be temporary to get things going and once we get the youth centers i will work with them.
in conjunction with the wRap Kidz program they run, similar to a vbs/ day camp, they have youth mission teams come in and do work projects in the morning. i will be heading up the beautification of the neighborhood with the youth teams. i will be coordinating the projects and directing them. while they are working my job will be to hang out with the women of the house during that time getting to know who she is. this will get me in the door to begin the process of getting to know the women. in the afternoon i will hang out with the kids at wRap Kidz so they get to know me as well. loving kids helps parents love you.
i am excited that God is putting the details together in his timing.
support for grace seems like it is a done deal, we are praying over the amount that it would be enough for my needs. i will know a amount in late july but they are willing to start a little now which will help.
things are overall going well, the adjustment time is getting better.
i started my job yesterday and that went well, things will get better once the summer gets in full swing then my roll will really pick up. i am going to be heading up the ministry for single moms. i was unsure of how that was going to look but when ron asked me to begin sharing about my passions that was that first thing that came out and then things about a youth center and such. i feel like this passion might be temporary to get things going and once we get the youth centers i will work with them.
in conjunction with the wRap Kidz program they run, similar to a vbs/ day camp, they have youth mission teams come in and do work projects in the morning. i will be heading up the beautification of the neighborhood with the youth teams. i will be coordinating the projects and directing them. while they are working my job will be to hang out with the women of the house during that time getting to know who she is. this will get me in the door to begin the process of getting to know the women. in the afternoon i will hang out with the kids at wRap Kidz so they get to know me as well. loving kids helps parents love you.
i am excited that God is putting the details together in his timing.
support for grace seems like it is a done deal, we are praying over the amount that it would be enough for my needs. i will know a amount in late july but they are willing to start a little now which will help.
things are overall going well, the adjustment time is getting better.
Monday, May 22
finger condom
well, last friday at caribou i had a run in with the thermometer and i sliced my thumb open. don't ask how. it bled pretty bad, it was gross it is right on the pad of my thumb. i have not noticed how much i use that appendage until now and it hurting all the time. it bleed through a bandage and i changed it and put a new one on and in the first aid kit were a bunch of finger cots, their proper name. they were turquoise blue, very noticeable. i put one on so i could continue to work, it put press on my thumb and held the bandage in place, too. who knew finger condoms were so practical.
this story is a whole lot more funny because at c. harbor my first summer we were looking through the free stuff we had ordered from a company and there were a couple thousand finger cots, and they were not blue but just creamy in color. i believe the idea was to use them as water balloons for a game. hmm... it was more than humorous as we filled one with water and realized what it look liked and then to throw it around... even funnier. the best part was is that finger cots are made of a very durable plastic one that doesn't break easily.
i called my boss' from c. harbor on saturday to tell them i used a finger cot in the right way... good laughs for all.
this story is a whole lot more funny because at c. harbor my first summer we were looking through the free stuff we had ordered from a company and there were a couple thousand finger cots, and they were not blue but just creamy in color. i believe the idea was to use them as water balloons for a game. hmm... it was more than humorous as we filled one with water and realized what it look liked and then to throw it around... even funnier. the best part was is that finger cots are made of a very durable plastic one that doesn't break easily.
i called my boss' from c. harbor on saturday to tell them i used a finger cot in the right way... good laughs for all.
Thursday, May 4
moving
moving on...
well things continue to change on a regular basis for me.
God continues to be good and provides things...
1st he has provided a passion some of it new nad most of it has been revived from the past
2nd he provided a job that is beyond my wildest dreams, a place for me to be free to live out the passion God has given me
3rd he has finally provided an apartment, we signed the lease yesterday and it is near mark which is simply a bonus
4th i know he will provide the finacial means he sees fit to carry me through this part of the journey
i realize i am still being vague, there really is no reason for it, it is just fun. so i will explain. i will be working with a non-profit faith based organization in racine. the organization it called lighthouse recovery ministries, i will be working with the Lazarus House specifically. this is an actual house which is being renovated to be used for ministry. they function on a relational level with all the members of the community doing few events and more building relationships. my job title doesn't exsist and i am not taking over a vacant position, yet i am filling a place on staff that God has prepared for me. i can't tell you the details of my job, for they are unknown even to me. crazy this sounds, i know. they run a day camp/ vbs program throughout the summer for the kids in the community, i will begin by getting my feet wet in all aspects of this program. i will have no direct responsiblity except to be where God wants me on a given day. once i begin to get a bigger picture of everything and God begins to visually show me where he wants me to serve things will become more concrete.
p.s. i have signed a year lease without having 'reliable' income. i know my income is reliable because it is from the Lord, just as your is. i just don't know who will be writing the check(s) on a regular basis
God has called me and placed me, he has taken care of many details thus far why should i question him now.
am i scared you wonder... well yes, that is only human, do i have a hope and peace, well yes, that is only the Lord
well things continue to change on a regular basis for me.
God continues to be good and provides things...
1st he has provided a passion some of it new nad most of it has been revived from the past
2nd he provided a job that is beyond my wildest dreams, a place for me to be free to live out the passion God has given me
3rd he has finally provided an apartment, we signed the lease yesterday and it is near mark which is simply a bonus
4th i know he will provide the finacial means he sees fit to carry me through this part of the journey
i realize i am still being vague, there really is no reason for it, it is just fun. so i will explain. i will be working with a non-profit faith based organization in racine. the organization it called lighthouse recovery ministries, i will be working with the Lazarus House specifically. this is an actual house which is being renovated to be used for ministry. they function on a relational level with all the members of the community doing few events and more building relationships. my job title doesn't exsist and i am not taking over a vacant position, yet i am filling a place on staff that God has prepared for me. i can't tell you the details of my job, for they are unknown even to me. crazy this sounds, i know. they run a day camp/ vbs program throughout the summer for the kids in the community, i will begin by getting my feet wet in all aspects of this program. i will have no direct responsiblity except to be where God wants me on a given day. once i begin to get a bigger picture of everything and God begins to visually show me where he wants me to serve things will become more concrete.
p.s. i have signed a year lease without having 'reliable' income. i know my income is reliable because it is from the Lord, just as your is. i just don't know who will be writing the check(s) on a regular basis
God has called me and placed me, he has taken care of many details thus far why should i question him now.
am i scared you wonder... well yes, that is only human, do i have a hope and peace, well yes, that is only the Lord
Wednesday, April 26
Gratitude
lately there has been much thought swirling through my head. in the past couple of weeks i have become grateful for the suffering and hard time in the past. i am able to look back and see so many lessons God has taught me through those times. granted they were not always easy or fun but i wouldn't trade them for anything.
i couldn't be where i am today without the past. do i wish it would have been easier or different? no, because the process of it all has made who i am today. as i sat and shared with a friend yesterday things came out of my mouth i didn't know where in my heart. not bad things but things i have learned through the past. if things were still the same i would have the same friends, be in the same routine of church, being doing jr. high (which was easier for me), and be no closer to the Lord. i would be stuck. i would being doing church as a means to follow Christ. we are not called to sit in a pew and absorb (although that is a part of it). as i had stated in an earlier blog, i was content to go to church, serve and have my 'family'(again that is a part of being a christian but there is so much more) it thought i got it. i had heard before that we need to go outside the walls of this building and reach the lost. i thought i was doing that, and in part i was but i didn't get it. i probably don't fully get it now.
following Christ is so much more than being a part of a church body. we think that being in the church and serving in the church is what it is about and if we are honest we would probably say we know there is more but it is risky out 'there'. i realize there is a need for us to be fed at some level church ministries are good. i am not saying all the ministry is outside the church but 25% should be within the walls and 75% should be outside the wall's to the lost, poor, and oppressed that is where Gods heart is.
i am falling more in love with a God who is risky and not safe, but still incredibly good, loving and detailed. this life i am living, the christian life as we like to call it, is not about being safe and secure, it is about listening and seeking God and being obedient.
i have stepped out on an endeavor that to many seems crazy, risky and maybe unwise. i understand that you may not understand yet but i pray that you too will fall head over heels in love with my God who does not call us to safety and security but to being Christ to people.
i couldn't be where i am today without the past. do i wish it would have been easier or different? no, because the process of it all has made who i am today. as i sat and shared with a friend yesterday things came out of my mouth i didn't know where in my heart. not bad things but things i have learned through the past. if things were still the same i would have the same friends, be in the same routine of church, being doing jr. high (which was easier for me), and be no closer to the Lord. i would be stuck. i would being doing church as a means to follow Christ. we are not called to sit in a pew and absorb (although that is a part of it). as i had stated in an earlier blog, i was content to go to church, serve and have my 'family'(again that is a part of being a christian but there is so much more) it thought i got it. i had heard before that we need to go outside the walls of this building and reach the lost. i thought i was doing that, and in part i was but i didn't get it. i probably don't fully get it now.
following Christ is so much more than being a part of a church body. we think that being in the church and serving in the church is what it is about and if we are honest we would probably say we know there is more but it is risky out 'there'. i realize there is a need for us to be fed at some level church ministries are good. i am not saying all the ministry is outside the church but 25% should be within the walls and 75% should be outside the wall's to the lost, poor, and oppressed that is where Gods heart is.
i am falling more in love with a God who is risky and not safe, but still incredibly good, loving and detailed. this life i am living, the christian life as we like to call it, is not about being safe and secure, it is about listening and seeking God and being obedient.
i have stepped out on an endeavor that to many seems crazy, risky and maybe unwise. i understand that you may not understand yet but i pray that you too will fall head over heels in love with my God who does not call us to safety and security but to being Christ to people.
Friday, April 21
Entitlement
i have become fascinated lately with the idea of entitlement, especially in regards to youth. (don't get me wrong i am a fan of youth) lately i have come across more people in the 14-20 age group who feel they are entitled to something.
i waited on a group of 5 young men and a young girl on wednesday night. upon arriving at their table they began to yell drinks at me and then told me lat time they were here they received cold bread so they deserve more than normal this time. okay, i understand and will compensate you for the less than perfect service you received but there is a way to tell someone that. i was told they got more bread, it was not part of a discussion or offer i made to them. this interaction struck me right away. the words 'we deserve' resonate in my head still.
the other way i have encountered this has been at work also with fellow young employees, they feel their boss owes them something for the time put in. i was at this place at one time or another maybe not too long ago. we feel that because we come in a work we deserve something above and beyond our wages, that isn't good enough. i am not sure what they expect or even what i expected but we feel we are entitled to more because of various things in our heads. i am not saying that we shouldn't be treated fairly but what we expect is different.
when push comes to shove we deserve nothing. we were created to worship a perfect, holy, loving, forgiving, gracious and glorious GOD who loves us no matter what we do. we should be working to glorify his name and for his glory alone, not for all we think is entitled to us. this GOd who created and loves us also forgave us to allow us to come into his presence once agian. our hearts should be full of joy and gratitude. i understand that this concept goes far beyond simply working and is much harder to put into action than to write about it. i am at fault myself. i have just seen this concept put into play by young people in the work force. i think it is more prevelant in teens but i know we all think we deserve something even me.
i waited on a group of 5 young men and a young girl on wednesday night. upon arriving at their table they began to yell drinks at me and then told me lat time they were here they received cold bread so they deserve more than normal this time. okay, i understand and will compensate you for the less than perfect service you received but there is a way to tell someone that. i was told they got more bread, it was not part of a discussion or offer i made to them. this interaction struck me right away. the words 'we deserve' resonate in my head still.
the other way i have encountered this has been at work also with fellow young employees, they feel their boss owes them something for the time put in. i was at this place at one time or another maybe not too long ago. we feel that because we come in a work we deserve something above and beyond our wages, that isn't good enough. i am not sure what they expect or even what i expected but we feel we are entitled to more because of various things in our heads. i am not saying that we shouldn't be treated fairly but what we expect is different.
when push comes to shove we deserve nothing. we were created to worship a perfect, holy, loving, forgiving, gracious and glorious GOD who loves us no matter what we do. we should be working to glorify his name and for his glory alone, not for all we think is entitled to us. this GOd who created and loves us also forgave us to allow us to come into his presence once agian. our hearts should be full of joy and gratitude. i understand that this concept goes far beyond simply working and is much harder to put into action than to write about it. i am at fault myself. i have just seen this concept put into play by young people in the work force. i think it is more prevelant in teens but i know we all think we deserve something even me.
Friday, April 7
snow pant shorts
so, this post came to me about a week ago. i went to the hockey game with my small group and there was the most fascinating discovery.
SNOW PANT SHORTS!
i know believe my calling is to be a hockey player or ref. the players where knee length snow pant shorts and the refs where snow pants to ref in.
could a job be more glorious!! where snow pants all the time.
p.s. this is not the amazing thing God is doing in my life, but more a personal obsession!
SNOW PANT SHORTS!
i know believe my calling is to be a hockey player or ref. the players where knee length snow pant shorts and the refs where snow pants to ref in.
could a job be more glorious!! where snow pants all the time.
p.s. this is not the amazing thing God is doing in my life, but more a personal obsession!
Thursday, April 6
amazing
amazing things are happening in my life. i can't wait to post about them.
God is doing amazing things.
i am currently listening to the new passion 06 cd it came out on tuesday. if any one loves worship music it is an amazing cd.
God is doing amazing things.
i am currently listening to the new passion 06 cd it came out on tuesday. if any one loves worship music it is an amazing cd.
Friday, March 24
lent
i just listened to rob bell's message about lent. as a church they are celebrating lent as they look forward to the resurrection of Christ at Easter.
the first talk was about the temptation of Christ. when satan comes to Christ he attacks his identity. he says if you really are the Son of God then do this or do that. he puts the question of doubt in the face of Christ. satan does the same with us, are you really a child of God, i saw what you did. are you really adopted by Christ, you are not worhty to be called his. these are the lies i have lived with for my whole life, satan will continue to use them to tempt me. when we know who we are in Christ we can confidently refute his lies. i am working dilegently on being condifent in my identity in him alone.
in our humaness we set up a plans for God, Lord if you do this and this i will give you this and that or do this for you. we say God if you fix this mess and heal these people i will stay or serve you the rest of my life. when God doesn't comply with our requirements we conclude he is not a good God.
sometimes he does comply with our list and we can't accept his blessing. our list was something we thought would never happen and in it not happening we would have freedom to leave, yet in his answers we can't deny the fact he is working and we are called to a place we would rather not be. other times he doesn't answer and we suffer loss, pain, heartache and we equate the suffering again with a God who is not providing and not good. we are wrong. he is providing and he is good he is just working in a way that is far beyond our wildest dreams.
the first talk was about the temptation of Christ. when satan comes to Christ he attacks his identity. he says if you really are the Son of God then do this or do that. he puts the question of doubt in the face of Christ. satan does the same with us, are you really a child of God, i saw what you did. are you really adopted by Christ, you are not worhty to be called his. these are the lies i have lived with for my whole life, satan will continue to use them to tempt me. when we know who we are in Christ we can confidently refute his lies. i am working dilegently on being condifent in my identity in him alone.
in our humaness we set up a plans for God, Lord if you do this and this i will give you this and that or do this for you. we say God if you fix this mess and heal these people i will stay or serve you the rest of my life. when God doesn't comply with our requirements we conclude he is not a good God.
sometimes he does comply with our list and we can't accept his blessing. our list was something we thought would never happen and in it not happening we would have freedom to leave, yet in his answers we can't deny the fact he is working and we are called to a place we would rather not be. other times he doesn't answer and we suffer loss, pain, heartache and we equate the suffering again with a God who is not providing and not good. we are wrong. he is providing and he is good he is just working in a way that is far beyond our wildest dreams.
Tuesday, March 21
sifting
the majority of my time in the past year has been captured by sadness loss and longing. putting it into technical terms a little bit of depression and grieving over the loss of something i thought i would never get over.
i have been working through these thoughts and feelings over the past month or two, knowing that i would be coming face to face with people and a building that at one point meant so much to me. last week i had to go and sit in the parking lot of the building and work on a list i had made. the list was of things i had lost, people i am angry with and good things. as i sat there and did my homework i thought, it isn't hard to be here, because it is not about the building really, it is about the people. it made me sad to sit and look at the parking lot thinking of football games in the grass, time outside before the gathering, playing games with high school kids outside.
as i drove off it wasn't so sad anymore, i was okay. i knew that i would be back in a few days say good bye again. i cried the following day friday thinking of coming back and my thought was this is really it, the only reason i would have gone back is now leaving also. deep down there was a little hope that things would go back to 'normal' and i could go back. but i know that is not the case things were normal for a while before i knew better.
i went to camp this weekend for a young adult retreat. it was an incredible time. our speaker was very good and touched on a lot of points i needed to hear again and others also. he talked about going through hard times and not relying on your emotions but on the truths of scripture, something i know but have been struggling with a lot. it was convicting. saturday night i talked with a dear friend we chatted about how things were going as i worked through these thoughts and emotions and about the up coming event. i began to better understand why i was were i was. i know the moment my hope was striped and the next day i had to tell my jr. high students what was going on a little, i had to be 'strong/ together for them'. I am not saying i was fake but i had to hold it together then for the rest of the semester (a couple months). i proceeded to go right to camp for the summer where there is no time for grieving and sadness. while i was gone many people left and there were moving 'parties' and more farewells that could have been good for me to be a part of. upon coming home i went right to school and finished my degree. it was a little difficult but i filled my time with school work, two jobs and a relationship. no time again for grieving.
january came i had masked things over for so long that the numbness was so strong it disgusted me. emotions what are those, the only ones i felt were anger, sadness, and bitterness. it was repulsive, feelings of love, joy, and gratitude were no where in my life to be found, if they surfaced it was only for a moment. in talking to my friend on saturday night, she said it is like the death happened a long time ago and this week you will finally see the body in the casket. i knew this weekend would bring closure as it did. she also said, "over time it will not even be about the people that were there."
on sunday morning our the talk was on our identity in Christ out of Eph. 1:3-23. this has been a passage that has been nagging at my heart for the past couple of months. there have been moments when i long to memorize it, the yearning is even great now. as i sat and listened to chuck i began to realize that so much of who i was for so long was rooted in the building and the people. this is not to say that i was not rooted in God but not as much as i should have been. as i went to the final event on sunday night, there was a part of me that didn't want to go. but being there helped me to see that my ideal of church was not what it was and that even some of the people i missed where not who i had thought they were. this is not to say anything about these people really but all the relationships i was longing for so badly to have back, weren't really were it was at. i had placed people and events on a place in a place where they did not belong. you hear so often that people will fail you and that we shouldn't get to caught up in the event of church because that is not what God wants.
people are good God uses them and events are good God uses them but when they are on a higher pedestal than that of the Creator and savior of the world, it is sin.
i am not longer grieving the loss of a building and of people but of the sin that held me there for so long.
i have been working through these thoughts and feelings over the past month or two, knowing that i would be coming face to face with people and a building that at one point meant so much to me. last week i had to go and sit in the parking lot of the building and work on a list i had made. the list was of things i had lost, people i am angry with and good things. as i sat there and did my homework i thought, it isn't hard to be here, because it is not about the building really, it is about the people. it made me sad to sit and look at the parking lot thinking of football games in the grass, time outside before the gathering, playing games with high school kids outside.
as i drove off it wasn't so sad anymore, i was okay. i knew that i would be back in a few days say good bye again. i cried the following day friday thinking of coming back and my thought was this is really it, the only reason i would have gone back is now leaving also. deep down there was a little hope that things would go back to 'normal' and i could go back. but i know that is not the case things were normal for a while before i knew better.
i went to camp this weekend for a young adult retreat. it was an incredible time. our speaker was very good and touched on a lot of points i needed to hear again and others also. he talked about going through hard times and not relying on your emotions but on the truths of scripture, something i know but have been struggling with a lot. it was convicting. saturday night i talked with a dear friend we chatted about how things were going as i worked through these thoughts and emotions and about the up coming event. i began to better understand why i was were i was. i know the moment my hope was striped and the next day i had to tell my jr. high students what was going on a little, i had to be 'strong/ together for them'. I am not saying i was fake but i had to hold it together then for the rest of the semester (a couple months). i proceeded to go right to camp for the summer where there is no time for grieving and sadness. while i was gone many people left and there were moving 'parties' and more farewells that could have been good for me to be a part of. upon coming home i went right to school and finished my degree. it was a little difficult but i filled my time with school work, two jobs and a relationship. no time again for grieving.
january came i had masked things over for so long that the numbness was so strong it disgusted me. emotions what are those, the only ones i felt were anger, sadness, and bitterness. it was repulsive, feelings of love, joy, and gratitude were no where in my life to be found, if they surfaced it was only for a moment. in talking to my friend on saturday night, she said it is like the death happened a long time ago and this week you will finally see the body in the casket. i knew this weekend would bring closure as it did. she also said, "over time it will not even be about the people that were there."
on sunday morning our the talk was on our identity in Christ out of Eph. 1:3-23. this has been a passage that has been nagging at my heart for the past couple of months. there have been moments when i long to memorize it, the yearning is even great now. as i sat and listened to chuck i began to realize that so much of who i was for so long was rooted in the building and the people. this is not to say that i was not rooted in God but not as much as i should have been. as i went to the final event on sunday night, there was a part of me that didn't want to go. but being there helped me to see that my ideal of church was not what it was and that even some of the people i missed where not who i had thought they were. this is not to say anything about these people really but all the relationships i was longing for so badly to have back, weren't really were it was at. i had placed people and events on a place in a place where they did not belong. you hear so often that people will fail you and that we shouldn't get to caught up in the event of church because that is not what God wants.
people are good God uses them and events are good God uses them but when they are on a higher pedestal than that of the Creator and savior of the world, it is sin.
i am not longer grieving the loss of a building and of people but of the sin that held me there for so long.
Wednesday, March 8
wiseness from bm
so i picked up a book i purchased a couple months back and began reading it, believing god by beth moore. i know some of you out there have your own opinions of beth moore and her teaching style. well, her words have always struck deep in my heart.
i am not that far into the book but already a few things have hit me...
-faith is the only thing that will ever close the gap between our theology and our reality
-"consecrate yourselves, for tomorrow the Lord will do amazing things among you" (josh 3:5)
- the Lord said to moses, "speak to the israelites and say to them: "throughout the generations to come you are to make tassels on the corner of your garment with a blue cord on each tassel. you will have these tassels to look at and so you will remember all the commands of the Lord, that you may obey them and not prostitute yourselves by going after the lusts of your own hearts and eyes. then you will remember to obey all my commands and will be consecrates to your God. i am the LORD your God, who brought you out of egypt to be your God. i am the LORD your God." (num 15:37-41)
in this section she was talking about specifically wearing a blue ribbon to symbolize their commitment to the study, i thought this was interesting especially being lent and all. we are anxiously waiting for the coming of our king and the celebration of his death and resurrection which is remembered at easter. i am entertaining the idea of wearing a ribbon to remind me of this season and the celebration which allows me to live in God's grace for all eternity.
-she focuses on 5 truths throughout this study
i am not that far into the book but already a few things have hit me...
-faith is the only thing that will ever close the gap between our theology and our reality
-"consecrate yourselves, for tomorrow the Lord will do amazing things among you" (josh 3:5)
- the Lord said to moses, "speak to the israelites and say to them: "throughout the generations to come you are to make tassels on the corner of your garment with a blue cord on each tassel. you will have these tassels to look at and so you will remember all the commands of the Lord, that you may obey them and not prostitute yourselves by going after the lusts of your own hearts and eyes. then you will remember to obey all my commands and will be consecrates to your God. i am the LORD your God, who brought you out of egypt to be your God. i am the LORD your God." (num 15:37-41)
in this section she was talking about specifically wearing a blue ribbon to symbolize their commitment to the study, i thought this was interesting especially being lent and all. we are anxiously waiting for the coming of our king and the celebration of his death and resurrection which is remembered at easter. i am entertaining the idea of wearing a ribbon to remind me of this season and the celebration which allows me to live in God's grace for all eternity.
-she focuses on 5 truths throughout this study
God is who He says he is
God can do what he says he can do
I am who God says I am
I can do all things through Christ
God's word is alive and active in me
(i hate when the 4th one is taken out of context, but out of the context of phil. we really can do all things by the power of the holy spirit in us)
things is am crewing on lately
Wednesday, March 1
challenged
well, it has been a few days... more like a week.
i have been challenged to journal and that has taken up some of the time i used to spend blogging. it is a good thing, my journaling.
i have not had much to post on lately. it hasn't snowed again so the snow pants remain sad and lonely of my legs. but hopefully they will get a visit in a few weeks when we venture out to vcbc mid march. i just want a little snow their to go sledding or boom balling. i know some of you are hating right now but my snow pants are lonely.
life is going. progressing forward with glimpses of an end of some of the things i have been battling with in the past year.
i have been challenged to journal and that has taken up some of the time i used to spend blogging. it is a good thing, my journaling.
i have not had much to post on lately. it hasn't snowed again so the snow pants remain sad and lonely of my legs. but hopefully they will get a visit in a few weeks when we venture out to vcbc mid march. i just want a little snow their to go sledding or boom balling. i know some of you are hating right now but my snow pants are lonely.
life is going. progressing forward with glimpses of an end of some of the things i have been battling with in the past year.
p.s. it boggels my mind that the spell checked does not know the word blog or blogging.... yet that is what i am doing... hmmmm!
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